UnNews:Good grief! No valentines for me

This editorial is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-moron misinformation. You can bloody well piss off if you don't like it! THE MANAGEMENT

14 February 2010

Me, depressed over my destiny to live a life without love.

AUGGH! - My class had a Valentine's Day party the other day and no one gave me a single valentine. Just like last year. And the year before that. And probably next year, too. And for the rest of my life.

Why do I keep getting my hopes up? I should get a clue already: Nobody likes me. Why would they? I'm bald and boring. I totally suck at sports. And my dog is so human-like that it creeps the bejesus out of everyone. Even my so-called friends treat me like dirt. I'm such an incredible loser. No one even watched my tv special last Wednesday.

I hate Valentine's Day. I hate it so much. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. It's the most depressing day of the year. Oh, Christmas and my birthday are absolutely horrible, but at least I always get presents on those days. Valentine gifts are a purely voluntary exchange meant to show love for someone. The fact I get nothing only emphasizes that no one really loves me. Sometimes I wish I could kill myself. Too bad I'm an immortal comic strip character, doomed to live in repeats for the rest of eternity. You'd think being the most popular comic strip would be evidence that people love me, but no. They're all laughing at my misery, and I hate them for it.

What a whore. God, I love her.

I wish that little red-haired girl would notice me. I'd do anything to get her attention. I wonder why she didn't give me a valentine. She gave almost everyone one. Linus got one. Franklin got one. Even Peppermint Patty got one. She'll give everyone else one, but not me? Why not me? Better question: Why me? I hate myself.

Maybe I should've made her a valentine? She would've loved it! She would've smiled at me and said, "Thanks," and I'd feel warm inside. Yeah, that would've been great! Too bad I didn't think of this before. It's too late now. Valentine's Day is almost over. It's true what everyone says. I am a blockhead.

*sigh*

I'm just gonna take a Prozac and go to bed. -- Charles Brown