Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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The city's official logo
The city flag of Detroit
Motto: "You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave"
"Not quite as bad as Kentucky"
"Hey! We aren't Cleveland"
Civic anthem: "Ice, Ice Baby"
State Pennsylvania
Official nickname City of Blights
Official language(s) Yiddish, Russian
Mayor Bill "The Thrill" Peduto
Established 1892
Re-Established 1902
Re-Re-Established 2012
Currency Primanti Sandwiches
Opening hours 12:00-2:00 on every other Tuesday

“Pittsburgh girls are desperate and they always say "yes" - that's good for a guy like me.”

~ Ben Roethlisberger

Pittsburgh, affectionately known The Pits and Jarvis Rivers Cocker City, is a city located in Pennsylvania[1] but where exactly, no one is sure. It is best-known for the maze called Downtown, where only two people have gotten out alive.[2]

Some parts of "The Burgh" are populated by certified chimney bottlers.[3] It is reported to have been discovered in 1892 by Bill Cosby, but that is disputed because Al Gore also claims to have discovered it right after he invented the Interwebz and global warming.


Pittsburgh used to be so polluted that you could swim through the smog, and we know you did and liked it! This problem was solved by the brilliant move of shipping all the factories to Chinaland and Old Mexico, thereby reducing pollution caused by the release of methane from steel workers flatulence. Its reputation as a Steel-shitting city was quietly brushed under ex-mayor Sophie Masloff's thick and full rug due to the rival competition of the Gooks, Beaners and Mongoloids hustling into their market. For the day of the Superbowl Homecoming Parade Pittsburgh's name (for that day only- this was legal) was Jarvis Cocker.

It has also become a widely known fact that all mountain lions within the borders of Pennsylvania were maliciously slaughtered by Mr. Rogers during a Jack Daniels-fueled drunken rage after the censoring of his left nut during a recording of his infamous yet highly forgettable television telethon.


Zombie-Americans enjoying the smog at Pointless State Park.

Pittsburgh is home to a large and diverse ethnic community. In the last census, Pittsburgh placed first among all metropolitan areas in number of Yinzers, Zombie-Americans, Morons, Sammiches, and Jagoffs.

Zombie-Americans, or, as they wish to be called, "putrefaction-capable" (note that older terms such as "circulationally-challenged" and "brain-snatcher" may be considered offensive), were first championed by muckraking documentary filmmaker Jarvis Cocker, who showed the hard life these plucky immigrants faced in their new homeland. If you are reading this, help me! I've been imprisoned in stone by a malevolent sorceror who has set out to frame the prince for murder and usurp the king. The only way to free me from this granite Gulag is to collect the seven sacred Amulets of Zangranoth, and harness their power with the sword of Gethra'Hundar. Godspeed. Their contributions to the community have moved Pennsylvania far beyond its well-known nickname "The Fixin'-to-Die State", making Pittsburgh the "Fixin'-to-be-Undead City".


100% of the economy of Pittsburgh is driven by the annual furry convention Anthrocon, which occurs every summer and pumps millions of dollars into a long-dead economy. Pittsburgh actively promotes new conventions that it hopes will do as well, such as Liederhosencon, Gay Harley Riders for Jesus, and of course, Erklecon.


Pittsburgh on a day when the traffic is good. Trust me, you DO NOT want to see it on a bad day.

Pittsburgh has many ports. These ports are quite useless, however, as Pittsburgh is a landlocked city. However, there are two ports in Pittsburgh that function: exports ("former ports") and imports ("not ports"). Imports include counterfeit dollars, light, Jake Featherston and his bloody huge army, and Methodists.


A volcanic eruption could devastate the South Hills region of Pittsburgh.

Much of Pittsburgh lies atop a dormant volcano named Mt. Lebanon. Legend predicts the volcano will not erupt again until the Pirates contend in the NL Central, so no one is worried. The outlying parts of Pittsburgh away from Mt. Lebanon float three yards above eastern Ohio, so that they can steal their cable and wireless Internet. Most of the people who live on Mt. Lebanon are rich yuppies who do nothing but swim in their money, unaware of how much of a tool they actually are. Similar to these people from Mt. Lebanon, are the people of Upper St. Clair. They have even more money than Mt. Lebanon and are known for living a "bubble." They are also the smartest tools in the South Hills region and are known for having many MILFs. The ghetto of Dormont, which lies on the volcano, hopes to someday steal their possessions and souls. Dormont was the first borough outside of Pittsburgh, but now is now known for having the poorest swimming pool in the pool.[4]

Before the War of the Squirrels in 1773 (see Siege of the Castle of King Shannon), Squirrel Hill was a prominently Jewish part of the city of Pittsburgh, located next to Oakland. Following the war, though, the squirrels seceded from the United States of America and began to govern their own small territory. They are believed to have nuclear capabilities, and space travel and are ranked number 4 for "The Biggest Threats to West Virginia and Your Mom" (behind conquistadors and AIDS).

Pittsburgherites are very proud of their rivers. The most famous rivers consist of the Allegheny River and Chuck Norris Memorial River, which meet to form the Ohio River. No one outside of Pittsburgh knows[5] this. These rivers used to meet near Six Rivers Stadium, before it was destroyed in the Big Fucking Fire of 2000. Now the rivers meet at a local coffee house, and only on Sundays, if all of them are free and they can get a table.


Pittsburgheritesians are well known for their cast-iron stomachs, managing to choke down such excellent waste such as the Primanti "Sizzlin' Bowels" Sandwich, which is made of Italian bread, your choice of meat, coleslaw, and french fries. Outsiders have gently tried to order the sandwich with the french fries on the side instead of in between the slices of bread; this is usually met with either stares of bewilderment, fainting or giggling fits.

Additionally, the huge, bustling neighborhood of Pittsburgh known as Oakelande (home of Pitt's 'hood campus) features the well-known "O", or Original Hot Dog Shop, where hot dogs were invented by Mr. Rogers, a snow leopard. Patrons of the establishment can enjoy the prospect of getting shot during a driveby and enjoying a wonderful meal, all in one sitting.

Let us not forget Vincent's Pizza. Vinnie was the first to blend 5w-30w Pennzoil with tomato sauce and cook it in a waste-oil-fired oven, thereby embedding the aromatic hydrocarbons right into the crust. This is a true treat.

Possibly the best food place to go to is the great "Sir Pizza", they serve many kinds of pizza, with your choice of drink. The pizzas served are: Normal Pizza, Meat Lover's Pizza, Vegetarian Pizza, Shrimp Pizza, Octopus Pizza, Wood Pizza, Stone Pizza, Kevin Pizza, and Your Mom Pizza. What makes it so great is that Sir Pizza may be the cure for all diseases, like Ebola, AIDS, and being a idiot, and is where Superman and Chuck Norris got their super powers.

Pittsburgh is also home of the world-famous Gouda Cheese. This delectable, wheel-shaped treat can often be seen rolling down Pittsburgh's larger hills in packs of 10-25 or more. Injuries caused by cheese-pedestrian collisions are very common and often very severe, often causing AIDS related death; it is also a known fact that a collision with one of these cheeses has the power of a pack of howling banshees or overweight Penn State fans. Why these cheeses are always rolling down is unknown, but your mom and the Jews may have something to do with it.


There are four prominent Pittsburgh sports teams.

  • Pittsburgh Pirates (NTBA, the National T-Ball Association): a team belonging to Pirate University. The university participates in many athletic activities from timber shivering to booty pilfering. Current team slogan: Rebuilding since 1992. In 2000 they introduced the "The Great Pierogie Race", the most competitive part of any Pirates game. This is where 4 people dress up in Polish Food mascot outfits and race across the field. The four contestants names are, Jalapeño Hannah (green hat), Cheese Chester (yellow), Sauerkraut Saul (red), and Donnie Iris. In a typical pierogie race, the mascot, the Pirate Parrot, typically beats up Oliver Onion, runs off with Jalapeno Hannah to that one restaurant Jerome Bettis has across the street from the baseball stadium, buys her a $15 meal, and rents out a room at the Hilton and has a one-night stand. I know, it's confusing. Go to a Pirates game and see for yourself. It is thought and said by many people that they have only gone to a Pittsburgh Pirate game just for "The Great Pierogie Race". Current Pirate owners have also numbed the pain of pirates fans by shooting off fireworks after each game and asked tons of one-hit wonder bands to put on a C- shows after each loss. The Pirates are the only major league baseball team to lose to an Elementary All Stars Team, who were all blind. The Pirates currently are the only AAAA minor league club in the US. They are allowed to compete with other MLB teams, but when they start to be competitive, their players get "called up" and are sold to actual MLB teams. They somehow managed to actually be good this year, and the best scientists in the world are currently on it.
  • Pittsburgh Penguins (NHL): Established in 2005, the Penguins beat the Detroit Red Wings in 2009 to win their first Stanley Cup (or at least the first one their fans know of). The win was only attained due to the support of the NHL and Gary Bettman. Both pretty much let them get away with murder to advance to the finals two years in a row. This was done to boost the marketing of the league and gain more fans, who believe that Sidney Crosby is the second cumming of Jesus. This has been very successful and the Penguins are gaining more fans by the day. Everyone who is anyone is a Pens fan unless you actually understand the game of hockey and have at least one ounce of common sense.
  • Pittsburgh Steelers (NFL): 6-time Duper Bowl Champions. The most beloved team in rural sheep-fucking Appalachia. The only professional sports team in America to be made entirely from homosexual mountain men. Accusations of the Steelers taking steroids in the first 4 superbowls that they had won are completely untrue as people mistook steroids use for being jacked-up on goat testosterone. They briefly changed their names to the Cheaters in 2005, and once again in 2008.
  • Pittsburgh Panthers (NCAA): teams belonging to The University of Pittsburgh, or The Pitt.
  • Pittsburgh Polacks (CBA): pro basketball in its finest, they are commemorating a lost era when basketball teams consisted of white (ethnic) players, such as the Philadelphia Hebrews, Buffalo Germans, Hartford Teutons and New York Israelites of the 1920's-1950's era (and yes, the Boston Fucking Irish, er, Celtics, too). We all know how Polish people stick together.

Sports is a good way for the city of Shittsburgh to get gay with each other. Famous stars such as Sidney Crosby, Hines Ward, Ben Rothlisberger, whatever worthless minor leaguer the Pirates traded half of their lineup for, and Evgeni Malkin will all get in a giant orgy on October 28th in an effort to make the world know just how gay their city is.


  1. Or, as the locals call it, Pennsyltucky.
  2. Most kill themselves due to traffic jams caused by construction.
  3. See Plum Borough and Sewickley. On second thought, you better not see them, it won't be a pleasant sight.
  4. Said pool has since been drained, and is now frequently used for rad skateboarding tricks.
  5. Or gives a shit about.