Marvel Comics

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Marvel comics)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
You may be looking for Ultimate Marvel Comics and not even know it! That's because you're just not geeky enough.

Marvel Comics, otherwise known as "Jack Kirby's Dreamland" or "Mean Stan Lee's Money Machine" is a comic book company that mainly publishes books about the X-Men, a soap opera about people who can shoot laser beams from their eyes - one that makes absolutely no sense.

Marvel also occasionally publishes other titles such as Spider-Man, based on the 2007 film Spider-Man 3 about a tap dancing emo kid who can fly. As one of the top two comic book publishers in the US, its books are read by literally tens of rapidly aging fans who regress further back into the womb every other week thanks to the top secret Super Fan serum created by Captain Capitalism.


Within the Marvel continuity, there are endless alternate universe scenarios, and so many super-beings, that one's head would asplode if they even tried to comprehend a fraction of the information. Additionally, most of the stuff that happens during the course of the trillions of issues, is totally random-ass crap that doesn't make any sense, unless you have purchased and read EVERY SINGLE ISSUE of that series, and of at least 5 other Marvel series that share the same title.


Marvel comics is most commonly known as "the not DC-comics." It was first founded in 1894. It went bankrupt in 1909. After its shares were bought over by Nameless Ent, it was named Nameless Comics. However, it went bankrupt again in 1950. Its shares were then bought over by Aimless Ent, causing it to be renamed Aimless Comics. In 1989, it once again went broke. Its shares were bought over and it was renamed Fameless Comics. For several months, it was owned by Jesus, as a dare. In 1999, Mr. Mar Vell mass purchased the company shares, resulting in him domineering the company. It was then renamed Marvel Comics after Mar Vell. Since then, movies such as Scorpion-Man, Z-Men, Punch, Fear-Angel, Angel Rider, Bulk, Beelektra have been filmed.

On August 31, 2009 Marvel was bought by Mickey Mouse using a treasure hoard that would put medieval royalty to shame, Stan Lee also offered what remained of his soul as part of the deal, having slowly broken off pieces of it until almost nothing remained with each divorce. Following the buy, The Mouse ordered the termination of several Big time Marvel members including the X-Men, and Fantastic Four hiring Boba Fett to capture the hard to reach targets in carbonite until their rights reverted. Spider-Man and The Hulk attempted to escape to Sony and Universal using their dual citizenship, but like the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, The Mouse always get's their supermen. Currently only Namor the Submariner has managed to escape capture tunneling trough the bottom of Universal's swimming pool to freedom.

Immediately after the deaths of the Marvel Superheroes, the surviving family of Jesus Christ himself (aka Jack Kirby) sued Marvel and Disney for copyright termination and unpaid profits. The Christ family claimed 30 years of offensively awful comics, movies and merchandising published after Jesus left the company as the reason for its lawsuit.

Current titles[edit]

Marvel Comics currently publishes several dozen "X-books," or books about the X-Men! The large number of X-books is justified, because it takes 5 to 6 issues for anything to happen! This is called "writing for trade!"

Sometimes they have accidentally printed other comics. 'Power Pack', which features two neglectful parents, 'Fantastic Four' which features two neglectful parents, 'Daredevil' which is so boring people have actually thrown up from boredom, 'Ghost Rider', which they try and make boring and 'Marvel Swimsuit Specials' which features the female characters in bikinis. And some of the guys in brief swimsuits. Not bikinis.

In Short[edit]

Marvel is the greatest comic book company, all long underwear types are either a super soldier working for the government, a teenage super hoodlum on the run from the police, an off brand Universal monster, or some kind of super cripple; and they all know a bunch of science, some of them though know all the science and are doctors of everything, and all the magic is just ancient alien super science and quantum mechanics. They also create many awe-inspiring movies, amid a constant flow of crappy ones. Marvel comics IS practically Stan Lee; the other guys are like unknown. Even the Creator isn't more famous the Stan Lee.

In addition, they happen to have a large library of monthly titles. Which they will release again. In six months. With Ultimate in the front.