Kathy Griffin
“Wynona Judd has lost a lot of weight!”
Kathy Griffin (born Kathie Lee Gifford) is a former actress, stand-up comedian and silicon-based lifeform, best known for nothing. Her jokes and grating voice won her literally dozens of fans worldwide. Nevertheless, Griffin is still unknown to most people except on the planet Pluto where she is considered the Queen.
Beginnings[edit]
Kathy got her first big break when she met Kathie Lee Gifford at 7/11, at that time Kathy Griffin also possessed that name. Gifford, unhappy with the fact that Griffin (then also known as Gifford) stole her name, the two bitches got into a brawl. The fight lasted for several years until Kathy Griffin pushed Kathie Lee Gifford into a black hole and was never seen again. Although it has been reported that Kathie Gifford might be staging a comeback in the other dimension, this has yet to be proven. Due to her phobia of names of dead people, she was forced to change her name to Kathy Griffin. She is the 2nd cousin of the late King Peter Griffin of Quahog.
Near-death experiences[edit]
Griffin has had countless near-death experiences in the past half-century. In 2000, she walked in front of an oncoming bus. The bus narrowly missed her, causing The Iranian Missile Crisis.
Another near-death experience was during her stand-up tour of North Korea in 2012. It was named the Imperialist Redhead Pig-dog Funny-lady Tour (or the IRPF tour for short) as a way of endearing the North Koreans. At a state banquet Griffin ate some kimchi and farted in the presence of Kim Jong-un. Rattled by her rudeness (and resulting 8.5 magnitute earthquake), he strapped her to a missile and she landed 4km away in a nearby Costco. Fortunately for Griffin, the missile failed to explode and she was able to continue her stand-up tour of North Korea. Human Rights activists around the world stated, "Haven't the people of North Korea suffered enough without adding this fire-crotch into the mix?" and called for her to be extradited to a remote island just 2 miles south of Antarctica.
Despite her fame, Griffin has been the subject of universal criticism for usage of her "gay" humor at the expense of her "gays." Many Christian organizations have also loudly voiced their opinion that "Kathy is a demonic bitch from hell and the world must be rid of her immediately," an offensive remark despite being true.
TV shows[edit]
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the Z-List premiered on the "Bravo Network" in the fall of 3001. The premiere episode had the best ratings Bravo had ever seen; it was watched by almost 15.2 viewers. The first season was to have only 13 episodes, however due to its unparalleled success in viewing figures, the season was increased to 89. The show was renewed for a second season 12 short years later. She was even awarded "Decent TV Personality" at the 2077 Annual Colgate Toothpaste Awards held annually in Newark, NJ. Tragically for Griffin, the second season failed to carry on the success of the first, averaging three viewers per episode. The show was abruptly cancelled. It was revived 23 more times and cancelled 40 more in the following months. It is rumored that FOX is currently interested in picking the show up (but with American Idol on, is that really going to happen?).
In the fall of 2012, Griffin wrote several messages in lipstick on a TV executive's bathroom mirror pleading for a new show. Due to a total lapse in judgement and one margarita too many, she was given one. After several months of juggling ideas, it was creatively named "Kathy". Upon airing just 4 episodes, the TV executive tracked her down to a nearby Wendy's and shouted "SIKE!", then proceeded to tear up the contract. Kathy was disheartened but immediately gave interviews to all the student newspapers she could find. She gushed that she was so "pleased" to have had 4 whole hours of air-time. Guests on her show included local pizza delivery men, her dentist and her ex-boyfriend. She earned $250 from 22 comedy shows, which is technically the most she has ever earned.
Controversy[edit]
Despite years of comedy only ever criticized as being "too tame," in 2017, Griffin's career suddenly went down the crapper.
The Muse of creativity visited Griffin and the voices in her head said she should devise a new routine that was simultaneously outré and would make a statement that all Americans would be sympathetic to. The props guys slapped together an orange wig and a poorly made mask of President Donald Trump. Griffin spilled ketchup on the Trump mask to dramatize Trump's campaign wisecrack about "blood coming out of her wherever" regarding Megyn Kelly.
The implications were not to be taken seriously, as everyone knew that Trump is severely allergic to ketchup and has a phobia of red liquids. Nevertheless, no one was more surprised than Griffin when the Secret Service arrived at her door. Moreover, thousands of posters on Twitter condemned her fabulous new comedy routine. This cost her backers to take important time away from their efforts to get Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity fired from Fox News for shameless misbehavior. The backlash increased when Trump asserted that his son Barron's saw the photo and thought a woman had actually severed Daddy's head. This traumatized him, maybe for good, maybe more seriously than he already had been.
Griffin became desperate to end the impressive new act without having to do the usual things, such as paying millions to settle a defamation lawsuit or claim she was entering rehab. Griffin performed the same routine with the severed head of a cat. The implicit humor of referring back to Trump's boast of being able to grab women by the pussy would not be missed by anyone.
But worse came to worst, when the international community turned against Griffin. ISIS and al-Qaida condemned the art, calling it a primary case of Cultural Appropriation, as though an African American were to wear a tie to a job interview. "Beheadings 'R' Us!" exclaimed al-Qaida spokesman Osama bin Laden, Jr.
That was the last straw and her former partners distanced themselves from her even faster than Republicans had raced to diss Trump in the year before the election. Griffin lost her prized New Year's Eve gig with Anderson Cooper. She held a press conference at an Arby's in Phoenix, charging that the Trump family had a conspiracy to "get her," mostly by having a neck that so called out to be chopped off. "You know him! You know him!" Kathy pleaded hysterically. How dare anyone get upset by a comedy routine featuring the severed head of a sitting President? The critics are obviously the cray-cray ones.
Trump's reaction was to nominate Griffin for Ambassador to the Martian moon Phobos, understanding its desperate lack of good comedy acts. He tweeted the U.S. Senate a statement that she was not as bad as Megyn Kelly, whose career was virtually over; nor Rosie O'Donnell, whom he described as "a fat slob best suited for driving a truck." All was forgiven, except for some trolls on 4Chan, and Trump came away from the incident mindful that his utterances would continue to be taken seriously by all.
Fun Facts[edit]
- Griffin was born a boy. At age 7, she decided to become female. This would last until age 11 when she was diagnosed with ugly, where, from then on, the exact nature of her gender would remain a mystery. Reports indicate early drafts of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code revolved around this mystery, instead of the religious themes in the final version.
- Is currently in talks to play Anna Nicole Smith in the upcoming all-star disaster epic Anna Nicole: We Hardly Loved You.
Quotes[edit]
“I said GIVE ME THE FUCKING SIERRA MIST OR I'LL SHOOT!”
“Suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now!”
“Hi there, I would like a quarter-pounder with cheese and a coke.”