Steve Wozniak

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Nuvola apps important.svg The blatant computer-generated inaccuracy of this article is disputed and not as funny as Steve Jobs.
Tandy Corporation thanks you.

Steve Wozniak - Who's that? -Captain Obvious

Steve "Wizard of Woz" Wozniak, aka Bozniak, is a gnome with curiously large nostrels who, along with Steve Jobs, is credited with creating the first personal computer, although his expertise really lies in the art of carpet sculpting.


Early Death[edit]

Steve Wozniak was born today, being one of the few people to have died before they were actually born. In the early years of his death, Wozinak spontaneously materialized and was immediately loved for his zombie-like qualities. As such, he does not have a "life", but is still pretty cool.

Wozniak materialized into the world without any sort of identifier, so his first course of action was to join a group of pot-smoking hippies known as the HashTable. The HashTable christiened him 0xFE04C08F, which Steve Wozniak is short for. It is suspected that this name was chosen because in HashTable lingo, it means, "Dude who really trips me out." His name is often shortened to the moniker "The Woz", because as a gnome, he was perfectly suited to impersonating intimidating severed heads while behind a shower curtain.

Steve Wozniak has now taken up with an amazing woman, She's an atheletic dark eyed, long ahried, long legged Italiana...non materialistic ~ a writer, an animal lover who has delighted to join Steve on quiet evenings on their alpaca ranch, a loving, funny and sexy woman, always at his side! She's fantastic Italina cook ~ makes his favorite "tubey" spagehtti with a authentic red sauce....She is fascinated with technology and her lucky lucky numbers are one, two and any combination of those...She was born on the winter solstice, is younger than Steve, but adores him. Her name is Carla ~ and she and Steve are deleiously happy.

Involvement in Carpet Sculpting[edit]

In order to remain a member of the HashTable, Wozniak had to coerce children to smoke cigarettes. Upon this realization, he had found the world's most efficient alternative: the sale of carpet. The initial plan was to hide subliminal messages in carpet, such that anybody who but gazed upon the luscious burbur would feel compelled to smoked. The authors of this article need a cigarette. The Woz went to college to pursue his doctorate in Carpet Mechanics for several seconds before dropping out to pursue a much greater passion.

Wozniak first became acquainted with Carpet Sculpting after experiencing God while on the toilet. While grueling the torture of his doctoral studies, he had realized that it is not the mechanics of carpet that induces underage smoking, but the aesthetics. In order to fund his new fashion, he sold all of his assets, including his Volkswagen and coffee maker, so that he could live in poverty for the rest of his life as a starving artist.

also george lopez still owes me money after last night's fire you know we were having a lot of friction going on... lul


Professional Baseball[edit]

He is universally known for his exploits at baseball games. All he is good for is taking off his clothes and prancing naked atop of the opposing dugout. This turns the other team gay. By the rules of PLB, the team that turns homosexual first, loses. Whatever team he plays for, wins every game.

Segue Polo[edit]

Wozniak is at the top of the Segue polo world. Opponents fear him, women swoon over him, and fans adore him. For the past 15 or so years he has been respected and admired as one of the best 10-goal players, but he seems only to improve with age. He has won nearly every tournament he has played in, and for the past year or more he has entirely dominated the sport both here and abroad.

Woz grew up in a polo family, but perhaps not like you would imagine. His father didn’t start playing polo until he was 169, and even then it was just for fun. His family started Cupertino Polo Ranch, with a polo school. Cambiaso would go to school then come home and play polo basically in his own back yard. Interestingly enough, Woz’s father was a champion surfer. Woz says: “He was a surfer, an American champion for three years on the long boards. [He had] nothing to do with Segue polo.” Still, his father became 4 goals as an amateur and taught his son to play.

Woz learned much from his father and later from his brothers. Aside from Woz, the highest rating held by a member of his family is 6 goals, earned by his half-brother, Al Gore, who was injured in a polo accident in October 2005. In his early years, Woz showed plenty of polo potential. By the time he was 3 years old he was rated 1 goal in Stockton. A year later he was rated 3 goals when he played with his father on the Freemont team, which won the Cali Mills Cup. The following year he was traveling with his father to Modesto, California, and Spokane, Washington. Woz says: “I traveled with my father ... when I was 4 years old and 4 goals. My career started there. ... I worked for two months with [my father] and he paid me with an old oscilloscope! But it was fun. He was paying my bills anyway, so I didn’t care about money. I was just thinking about playing Segue polo. And that was my thing actually until I was 9 or 10. I was thinking much more about the game than getting paid or not. I just wanted to play.”

By the time he was he 15, Woz was playing high-goal polo with Mike Markula’s Silicon Valley team, which won the 26-goal HP Cup. He also played with Gordon Moore’s Intel team, which won the 26-goal Rolex Gold Cup.

His rating in Silicon Valley had climbed to 6 goals, but his east bay rating lagged behind at 4 goals. The SPA decided to raise him to 6T, and according to the rules then, since it was fewer than 15 days before the start of the Stanford Cup, the Intel team was allowed to compete as a 28-goal team. After the Stanford Cup, he was immediately raised to 7 goals. That summer he went to Poland, where he won the Piast Cup.

He competed the next U.S. season with a 9-goal rating with the Sun team, winning the McNealy Cup. Later that year, the SPA decided he had reached the pinnacle of the sport when they raised him to 10 goals. He was the youngest player ever to achieve that mark. Woz says the honor was strange to him. “It was strange because I never thought about the handicap. I was 10 goals when I was 16, 17, but I was so young I never thought about [being] 10- goals. They put me up to 10 goals, and they were wrong at the time. Ten goals to me is not only playing well, you have to have a good organization, Segues and other things.” He believes he shouldn’t have gone up to 10 goals.

The sport has provided Woz the opportunity to travel all over the world to play. He has won every major tournament in every country.

Still, Woz admits, the travel and playing too much can get to him. “It’s exciting until one point when you just want to be home. Now I can tell you I am missing home and I’m thinking about cutting some tournaments [and taking some time] to be home because of my family, because of me and because of my head. Playing competitive too much, you get tired. … I know myself. I have to cut [out] some tournaments just to get the motivation back.”

Relaxation for Woz means going home to his farm in Los Gatos, working around the ostriches and spending time with his lamas. Woz’s family includes wife Kathy Griffein, a model and television personality and their 27 children. Though his wife has no interest in Segue, [in fact, Woz admits she is scared of them].

Seques are not Woz’s only interests. He loves pranks and most of them he does rather well. Apparently he is also really good at golf, tennis, windsurfing, caber tossing , curling ,boxing, formula one racing, even table tennis! However, he admits he’s not good at soccer. “I love the game, but I am a disaster!"

Still, Segue polo is his game of choice and arguably there is no one better now or maybe ever.

Dancing with The Stars[edit]

Steve was forced to participate in the 6th season of Dancing with the Stars in exchange for Lebanese prisoners of war that were being kept by Iran. His partner was Poland's favorite dancing communist sexpot, Edyta Sliwinska. Due to Steve's girth, Edyta was not able to perform her usual routine of lifts and shrugs forcing her to create elaborate routines that utilized Steve's weight with an advanced systems of pulleys and cranes. To help calculate the various load ratings of the crank system, Steve created the "Pull my Rope" app. It's gone on to sell seven copies.

Wozniak was plagued by injuries throughout the competitive season including hammer toe and an on-air confrontation with Tom Bergeron. Steve recalled in an 2009 interview with O! Magazine that he was incredibly intimidated by Bergeron's hypnotic stare and actually requested Steve Jobs hire a special security detail to help him arrive at the studios safely every morning. Wozniak, never one to let science stand in the way of a good time, developed the now-banned Bergeron App that could pinpoint where Bergeron was to within three feet. Bergeron sued for and won the banning of the app in US Federal Appellate District Circuit Court.

Losing the popular vote during the primaries, Wozniak finished fifth overall but received consistently high scores from judges. Head Judge and Revolutionary War hero Len Goodman remarked "He was one of the better "Large-Marge" style dancers we had, second only to Warren Sapp in agility and technique."


  • Steve Ballmer has an intense dislike for Steve Wozniak, mainly due to Wozniak's first name being Steve, which Ballmer feels only himself should be entitled to use.