HowTo:Become Stupid in 21 days

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Calm down, we'll get started right away.

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

~ Alexander Pope on You

Congratulations <insert name here>, you've led a successful life and achieved most of your goals. You've managed to remain a virgin, you've avoided regular bathing, and there was that one time you successfully managed to fit thirty seven crayons in your left nostril. Lately though, as you've sat back and surveyed your life, you've realized that your friends are all something you're not. You've come to the disturbing realization that they're stupid and you want to be stupid as well. Fear not, you little twit, now you too can be stupid in just 21 days.

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Day 1

This will be an important tool in your quest for stupidity

Becoming the drooling idiot you were destined to be should be an easy task for one as skilled as you. Alas, I fear this will not be the case. As it turns out, you're an exceptional moron so following these instructions could be difficult for you. You should probably treat the first day of your regimen as a typical day like any other. Take it slow, get up around eleven. Eat your normal breakfast of shit on toast. Skip your shower. Go to the gym and ogle women that will never speak to you. Touch yourself repeatedly. You know, just like any other Thursday. Around 4pm you should start to ease yourself into training. Let's start with a simple stupidity exercise. First, extend your right hand straight in front of you, palm facing upwards. If you don't know which direction is up, skip directly to the end of this course. Now place a brick in your outstretched hand. Any brick will work, maybe you could use the one your neighbor threw through your window? Lower your head until you are eye level with the brick. Now with as much force as you can muster, swiftly bring the brick towards yourself. Repeat as needed. As simply as that, you've taken your first steps towards stupidity. Your mom must be proud.[citation needed]

Day 2

Things will become much more demanding from here on out, so I suggest you get as much rest as possible. Try sleeping in the garage with the car running. When you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to seize the day, it's time to get right to work. Firstly, repeat the exercise from day 1 until you are satisfied you've got it down. You remember how that went, right? No? Good. That means you're doing it right. Just reread the instructions above and you'll be set. This exercise is going to become part of your daily routine so it's probably best to have the instructions tattooed somewhere prominent on your person. This will save you time in the mornings as well as help you attract girls. No, I'm serious. Chicks dig tattoos.

After you've completed your morning exercise it's time to take your next step. Go to the bank and withdraw all of your savings. Don't worry, you won't be spending it, this is only an exercise. Take a taxi to the bad part of town. You know, the part of town where your uncle hangs out? Now remove all of your cash from your wallet and pin it to your shirt and pants. Loudly exclaim "Affirmative action is for assholes! Why don't you all just get jobs you're suited for? Look at all the money I've made without any help from you jerk offs!". Louder. Again, louder. Good.

I'm sure he'd be happy to take you home.

Day 3

Today you've woken up in the street with no clothes and bleeding profusely. Don't worry, this is just another step in the process. Your current situation is no excuse to skip your brick exercise however. There's a brick behind the dumpster with your blood on it; you can use that. When you've finished you're going to need to get home. There's a guy in a windowless van over there, why don't you ask him for a ride?

Day 4

If you get a chance, you should get to know the friendly rattlesnake as well.

Okay, so you're in the desert outside of town somewhere and your anus smells of axle grease. So what? A little adversity builds character. Just be happy you've still got all your fingers and toes. What? Well, you never really used that finger anyway. You probably won't be able to find a brick out here for your morning exercise, so you should substitute a good sized rock. Yes, I see what was hiding under the rock, we'll get to that later. Just proceed with the exercise as if you were holding a brick instead of a rock. Yes, the numbness to your lower extremities is normal. You'll get used to it.

Finished? No? I like your enthusiasm, but we really don't have all day here. Good. Now, the thing under the rock, it's called a scorpion. Why don't you go ahead and pick it up. It will display it's gratitude and affection for you by gently placing the tip of it's tail into your flesh. Repeatedly. It's fun to commune with nature isn't it? I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Your challenge for today is to find your way out of this desert. Remember, fate favors those who take action so pick a direction and start walking. Avoid the rookie mistake of following the highway as this will lead you nowhere you want to be. Falling down often is a normal part of the experience so don't get discouraged. Just keep walking and I'll meet you at your apartment. No, I'm not coming with you, this a journey you'll have to take on your own.

Day 5

What the, you're back! Well of course you are, I never had a doubt. You were picked up by a state trooper? Well, technically that's not allowed. I'm afraid you're going to have to repeat the exercise, but we'll worry about that next week. I hope you don't mind that I threw some laundry in while I was waiting for you. Your posters? Oh, they were stolen, but never mind that. I think you're forgetting your brick exercise aren't you? Nice, good form, but today let's try it with the other hand shall we? Excellent.

You're really coming along, and at a much faster rate than I'd expected. I think today we're going to skip right ahead to an exercise I call "Playing in Traffic". Conveniently when you were picking out apartments you chose one located on the interstate. Interesting choice, I would have probably went in another direction, but that's neither here nor there. Let's go down to your front yard and begin. You're going to need this blindfold. There, that's not too tight is it? Good. Now, the object of this exercise is to successfully make it across the interstate and back as many times as you can. This will be a timed exercise, so don't dawdle. On your mark, get set, GO!

Day 6

I'm sure you'll be on your feet in no time!

I'm afraid that you failed yesterday's exercise. We'll have to repeat that one as well. I also notice that you aren't doing your brick exercise. Where's your commitment? A coma is no excuse for slacking, but I can see how you might require some assistance. Lucky for you I brought your brick to the hospital. I'll just go ahead and hold it for you. Tell me when you're ready to stop for the day.

Wow, your endurance is really astounding! I'm afraid I can't hold the brick for you any longer, but if you'd like to continue the exercise later after I've had some breakfast I'd be happy to help. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to - why, hello Mrs. <insert name here>. My apologies, Miss <insert name here>. No, you aren't too early for visiting hours at all. No, I'm afraid he's not awake yet. I love those pants you're wearing. Yes, they do make your ass look great. Say, have you had breakfast yet? No? Well there's this great little place just down the street; would you care to join me? Fantastic.

Day 8

Sorry I didn't make it down yesterday, I was busy getting to know your mom better. Dude, why didn't you tell me she was so hot? Never mind, I guess the important thing is you're awake. Have you done your brick exercise today? Very good! Unfortunately your confinement to the hospital bed is going to hamper the physical aspects of your training, so instead we're going to focus on research. I took the liberty of buying you a laptop. What? Oh, no, don't you worry about it. I used your credit card, I knew you wouldn't mind. Just look at it as an investment in your future. I knew you'd understand.

Now, many of the stupidest people on earth are children. Children so stupid in fact, they forget to wear clothes. I want you to spend the rest of the day researching naked children on the internet. I'm sure you're aware that this could be misconstrued as something it isn't, so make sure you use your real name in any chatrooms you visit. This will help to show your innocent intentions. All set? Good. I'll be back later to check on your progress, right now I'm late for a date with your mom.

Day 9

Great news! Your mom and I are engaged! The wedding? This afternoon! Yes, I know it's sudden, but your mom was so excited she just couldn't wait. Don't worry about not being able to attend, the truth is you weren't invited anyway. We're registered at Macy's, so feel free to browse their website with that laptop you bought. Say, where is that laptop? And why are you handcuffed to the bed? Never mind, it sounds like a boring story. I was just dropping by to tell you the news and to let you know I won't be able to help you for the next few days. The honeymoon you understand. Where are we going? Well, there was just enough available credit left on your card to book a trip to Hawaii. So, before I leave, I just wanted to remind you to keep up with your brick exercises and we'll finish the course when I get back. Perhaps in the interim you could practice some stupid acts. I understand there's an election coming up, maybe you could vote republican? Oh, of course. Sex offenders aren't allowed to vote. Well how about Scientology then? I hear it's very popular with stupid people right now. Anyways, goodbye for now, or should I say, aloha!

Day 16

Hawaii Card 1.jpg

Day 21

Time for your spongebath!

Hello, you're looking much better. Well thank you! Ten days in the Hawaiian sun did wonders for my tan. I hope you enjoyed the postcard I sent you. I wanted to drop by and congratulate you on finishing the course. I can tell by the fresh contusions that you were diligent with your brick exercises, and the fact that you can no longer breathe on your own means you've been successful in reaching your goal of glorious stupidity. I'd like to present you with this certificate I made out of newspaper clippings on the ride over here. I'm sure one of the nurses will be happy to hang it up for you. Oh, and before I forget, should you by some miracle ever find yourself once again able to breathe without the use of machines, don't bother coming home. I went ahead and changed the locks. I would tell you to take care of yourself, but you're obviously no longer able to do so. Once again, congratulations and good luck in the future!

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