Why?:Get a tattoo of a tarantula on your face

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This is you. You are not cool. You could be, however, if you had a tattoo of a tarantula on your face.

Tattoos are cool. Everybody knows that. You know that. Your friends know that...heck, even your parents know that. Dad just doesn't want you to get one because he does not want you to be cooler and more popular than he was at your age. Your mom, meanwhile, has a dolphin on her ankle.

Her gaffe, it must be mentioned, in no way undermines the general coolness of tattoos and, by extension, the coolness of the tattooed. Mom didn't know that dolphins on ankles weren't cool. She was probably lead astray by her parents. So, to you kids all across the land, there is, in fact, no need to argue; parents, due to their parentness, are simply incapable of understanding[1].

They don't understand that tattoos are cool[2]. Parents are, therefore, uncool. Ipso facto, ergo sum.

You're young. You're "hip"[3]. You're either in college or university (and away from your desperately unhip parents) or still in high school (and are chafing under the yoke of your desperately unhip parents). You can appreciate a subtle spoof like Scary Movie 6 or The Colbert Report. You like bands that no one has heard of, and you abandon them when others, inevitably, do. In addition, you have eighty dollars burning a hole in your faded Levi's jeans and you're more than a little bit drunk. Most importantly, you don't currently have a tattoo of a tarantula on your face.

In other words; you're perched on the cusp of cool, you hipster doofus you. But what next?

Have you considered getting a tattoo of a tarantula on your face?

No. That's stupid.

Sure, you say that now...but on the other hand, what if you're wrong? Consider it in the sense of Pascal's Wager. If it is cool, you have a tattoo of a tarantula on your face, but if it is not cool, you have a tattoo of a tarantula on your face.

See? You literally can't lose!

A tarantula: icky. A tattoo of a tarantula on your face: cool.

I still think that it's a dumb idea.

You're moving in the right direction. First, you thought it was stupid. Now, you think it's merely dumb. You've gone from being an a-tattoo-ist to an a-tattoo-gnostic. You just need a little push. A push to cool.

See that broad[5] in the café across the street? She dates a rock musician. While you can't play a note to save your life, that will come after you get a tattoo, you can be a rock musician in one cool aspect: think tattoo.


Think harder.


Ah, you're there. You now realize that, like the iPod that you bought because it's the only thing in the entire world that can make you happy and the Doc Martens that you also bought because they are the only thing in the entire world that can make you happy, a tattoo is the only thing in the entire world that can make you happy. And while a common, everyday tattoo like, say, barbed wire around your upper arm or a little flag of your home country on a pec can make you happy, a tattoo of a tarantula on your face will make you happy...squared!

Oh. Since you put it like that, a tattoo sounds like one more bad idea...

Wups. You're slipping back from the chasm of cool. Need I remind you of the girl in the café? She's got a tattoo, y'know. It's the Rolling Stones lips-slash-tongue and it's on the small of her back. She didn't think that it was a bad idea; one that will haunt her every minute of her life from her mid-30's right up to her dying day.

That stunned expression tells me that you are glad you got a tattoo of a tarantula on your face.

On the contrary, she thought it was a good idea. A cool idea. See how cool she is? You want to be cool, don't you?

Yes, damn it! I want to be cool! I want a tattoo!

Excellent. Have you considered a tattoo of a tarantula on your face? It's the peak of cool. So cool, in fact, that hardly anyone is cool enough to get one. You know who Slash is, right? Slash is cool, but even he is not cool enough for a tattoo of a tarantula on his face. You could be as cool as Slash! No, wait, you will exceed his coolness!

A tattoo of a tarantula on your face will make you cool. Cooler than the worn Levi's. Cooler than the iPod. Cooler than the Doc Martens. Cooler, even, than a tattoo on the lower back of a blonde in her early twenties.

How much? No, wait, money's no object! I want a tattoo of a tarantula on my face!

Done. I did it while I was regaling you with this hypnotic quasi-monologue. When the swelling goes down and the bandages come off, you'll see just what a great decision getting a tattoo of a tarantula on your face was.


  1. Apologies to Mr. F. Prince and DJ J. Jeff
  2. Well, your mother almost had it.
  3. Whether intended in an ironic sense or not, hip is still hip.
  4. Note: You may need to get some extra knuckles.
  5. Or dude. I'm not here to judge you. That's your parents' job, and they're uncool, remember? This means that I am, therefore, cool, and the kind of authority that you can follow blindly. Plus, I have a tattoo.
  6. People with tattoos of tarantulas on their faces get picked first, for both teams.
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