Existential Angst

      Whoops! Maybe you meant Emo? I doubt it

Existential Angst is one of the three corners of the Existential Triangle along with the People as Scenery theory and the Anthropic Fallacy.

People suffering from Existential Angst are either not convinced that they exist, unsure why they exist or not at all convinced that anything really exists at all. The Cartesian summary of this hypothesis (or really a lack of any clear hypothesism) is "I (if there is an I) might think, therefore I (ditto) might (if anyone actually cares) be". Some take is as far as "There's no point in even thinking as I might not be anyway". Most French employers allow paid leave to be taken for these reasons.

Origins

Until the invention of both Creationism and the Theory of Evolution, humanity naturally suffered hugely from the complete lack of knowledge of why they were here, what they were meant to be doing and whether any endeavours they undertook in their lives would, in the great scheme of things, be worth anything. Isn't it so awesome that we have everything figured out now?

Persistence

Despite the advent of modern philosophical techniques which quite clearly demonstrate humanity's proud and noble purpose upon the earth some slack-minded FOOLS/brilliant historians, still persist in whining on and on in a most tiresome manner about how, to a greater or lesser extent, they feel that there might not be any particular point to our existence beyond the basic animal obsessions of genetic perpetuation for its own sake oh, and then there's that "the horrors of the holocaust" thingy that those same fools keep bringing up, and if that isn't whiny enough for you then they like to rub it in by pointing to such unspeakable attrocities like e.g. the career of Pauly Shore. Sure millions of people died, but eventually Pauly Shore's career did too and with that the suffering ended for a while. For these Goji berry eating hippies the definition of the Earth and its contents are accepted as "real" on a purely physical level but not as having any philosophical import.

Caco Ergo Sum

Like other unfortunate side effects of modern philosophy, voiding one's bowels helps ground the sufferer by causing all senses to work in harmony and gives tangible proof of one's existence.

Further reading if you can be bothered

• Existential Triangle
• Anthropic Fallacy
• Hippie Bullshit Theory
• Immodest Fatalism
• The Everybody Loves Raymond Controversy