Britney Spears
“Hit me baby, one more time!”
Britney Jean Spears (born December 2, 1981) is an American entertainer, singer, and dancer. Her immaculate Max Martin pop production, wispy voice, and fashion sense defined the "Y2K era" of the late 1990s and early 2000s, leading to her being dubbed the "Princess of Pop" (the Queen being Madonna). Later, Britney became famous for her 2007 mental breakdown and acts of insanity such as shaving her head.
Spears was then hidden away from the public to make her the Howard Hughes of the music industry. Except this time it appears her own family are the jailers. Britney was eventually allowed out for good behavior in November 2021, her corrupt father no longer her conservator. She is now back in the wild and has a lot of catching up to do.
The Finding
After the demise of the Spice Girls, media bosses agreed that the next big thing should be a 'Blond Wholesome All-American Girl Who Says She is a Virgin While Displaying the Morals of a Call Girl in Vegas at 3:00 AM'. However, the Leaders were in a panic as to where they could find such a creature. After scouring America tirelessly for months on end, they stumbled upon a goldmine in the state of Louisiana: Britney Spears.
The Early Spears
From an early age Spears would actively indulge in singing and dancing to her heart's content. From flashing her pretty face in front of all those newspaper cameras that bothered to report all that was happening in preschools, to performing Christmas Carols dating back to the nineteenth century, the performing artist in her wasted no time in taking over her life. Of course, nobody would have actually thought that she was going to make a living out of singing and dancing, the reason being that most female performing artists were about as innocent and coy as a showgirl who may or may not have also stripped down to her explosive lingerie. Her first controversial performance was at the age of seven performed at her school. On stage she sat on a stool to sing showing the school of 500 that she forgot her panties and flashed her young deformed pussy. When asked, she claimed she forgot to wear her underwear,she cried. But it was only 5 years later she did the same thing at middle school then again in high school. Each time she cries and says she forgot her underwear.
However, like all girls, Britney eventually hit puberty, and the hormonal and bodily changes that followed sealed her fate. Her boobs grew more than her belly, her voice evolved into a highly seductive and intoxicating drug to the ears, and her hair remained blond as ever. In other words, Britney ended up looking, and sounding, like the stereotypical high school cheerleader.
She also did not forget to keep her focus on her singing and dancing. In a move to appease the younger generation's sexual needs, top lyricists, stylists and publicists were employed by the shrewd Sony to create the song ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time' and the corresponding film clip directed by Nigel Dick, with Britney performing both. The message was successful, with millions of preteen and teenage girls around the world making sexual objects out of themselves in school uniform, and millions of preteen and teenage boys smiling strangely and drinking lots of Cherry Coke, after which they would head down to the DVD store to buy as much porn as their wallets could afford. Of course, the not-so-wimpy preteen and teenage boys had already gone ahead and lost their virginity.
The Rebellion Against The Lack of Sex And Subsequent Downfall
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada”
Unfortunately, as the new millennium settled in, things began to go sour. The company was losing money, and Britney had hit post-adolescence and felt the need to have dominating sex and smuggle peanuts as a way of furthering her career. Hello Kitty was rehired as stylist and Kevin Bacon was brought in to give Britney a new look, one that included bondage items and bigger fake breasts. Unfortunately, the lack of clothes did not make up for lack of sales (the advance of the internet meant that teenage boys could look up Brit pr0n without having to buy her discs, and Justin Timberlake had already been seen naked with Tom Cruise). Things were looking grim.
Britney appeared briefly in the 2002 relaunch of Crossroads thinking it was a Hollywood film, briefly married to Benny, Carlton TV couldn't pay her enough though and as that was the only reason it kept going for a bit, it ended when she left - the high point was the fight scene with Jane Austen over top billing, it was real but Carlton needed the footage, after winning the fight she was briefly in charge of child pornography. She has now bought up the rights and plans a number of music videos including the motel of the series, of course though with gals and guys gyrating skimpily dressed with lots of leather and whips and hides of deceased dogs.
The Requisite Re-Rise To Fame
Not only was Britney’s career in shambles, but her love life was too, after a string of boyfriends were found dead with 27 self-inflicted stab wounds (19 of which appeared to have been made by forks) and their brains missing. Sony needed to upgrade her to a classier image, and fast. And lo! The knight in shining armor, otherwise known as Cletus McKFed, galloped in valiantly, resplendent in his baseball cap, baggy shorts, socks, sandals, and a body odor that could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. Britney was also put through court for seducing President Bush and having an orgy with him, his wife, Clay Aiken and Natasha Beddingfeild. She was released under charges of harassment, rape and "fun-time." Bush was never the same after that, then he cheated on his wife, Laura for Condeleeza Rice. The relationship, coupled with the release of a greatest hits album and the prospect of a celebrity wedding, fueled Britney’s popularity with the media to heights known not before. Britney then became the eye of the media with her biggest talent EVER: getting knocked up and dropping babies.
The Birth of Brit-Brit
It was within such a relationship that Britney really grew comfortable with herself. She discovered the joys of activities such as: wearing clothes so alluring that they'd make a bishop kick out a stained glass window; being photographed with (speculative) face cream still drying on her face; shoving her bare feet in paparazzi lenses; putting teenage boys on leashes; smoking excessively; and applying unbelievable amounts of Cherry Coke-flavored lip balm. Husband Kevin supported such self-discovery, as he supported his free access to Britney’s cheque book. After many months of eating for two, Britney finally produced a baby of sorts, which she immediately handed to her mother and sister to take care of so that she could resume smoking.
The Collected Text Messages
On April 24, 2006, Yale University announced one of its most ambitious projects to date, a proposed plan to produce a new 26-volume critical, authoritative, scholarly edition of the text messages of Britney Spears, to replace the original Princeton Edition, which has since become outdated. The project is expected to take at least 40 years to complete and will require the devotion of the complete staff of Yale's language and literature department, who said in a recent press release, "This is a monumental event in world-literature that will be studied for generations to come across the world.".
The first volume (The Complete Text Messages of Britney Spears, Vol. 1) is set to be released worldwide in 2009. It will also contain an appendix of assorted Post-It Notes. A Martian edition will be released in spring of 5022 in, of course, Mars.
The Peak of Britney's Career
- Her pristine image was first tarnished when home movies and videos taken of her backstage antics as a preteen star on The New Mickey Mouse League were revealed.
- Also Britney Spears had several flaminal animals what caught on fire due to the flammable nature of flannel when exposed to a crack pipe.
- Britney forgot to wear underwear after spending $10,000 on panties. Numerous photos were captured, revealing a semi-deformed clitoris. Many men turned gay.
- It has been suggested that Ms. Spears is the leader of an ancient evil secret organization known as the Priory of Simian. The group supposedly draws its power by draining the sinks of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy-eyed, desperately horny teenage boys and men. The Ilumnaughty's primary goals are world domination and a smooth complexion. Other notable (but unconfirmed) members include Rosie O'Donnell, Cousin It, Carmen Electra, Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson. Other Conspiracy Theorists maintain this is utter nonsense, and that the group actually draws power by draining the sacs of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy eyed, desperately horny teenage boys.
- After divorcing Fed-Ex, she was caught hitting a car with an umbrella because someone told her to put on some underwear.
Divorce
On November 7, 2006, the world reacted with shock at the news that Britney had filed for divorce from Cletus McKfed. Britney had filed papers the day before, but it took a while for CNN to confirm whether or not this was the real Britney Spears.
“There were rumors all the time of their divorce. We weren't sure if it was real this time.”
“I just got tired of using him as a tool.”
On November 7, it was confirmed by the entire world that K-Fed had become Fed-Ex. Ironically, the ex-Mr. Spears is reportedly working for FedEx, which is weird considering he's never worked a day in his life and never will.
Britney, meanwhile, decided to celebrate being single by demonstrating her true upper-class status by hiring Paris Hilton to personally teach her to be slutty. Ms. Hilton's lessons' included flashing her bajingo the paparazzi, a trend which is increasingly popular among female celebrities. She then gained 150lbs, shaved her head, took some pills, then checked into rehab. After leaving rehab the following morning, she went to Paris Hilton's dog box and smoked some more weed, then went to Lindsay Lohan's house and got plastered. She has been doing the same thing ever since. Together they co-ordinate their law breaking and other controversy, shaving their heads, holding barefoot Ladies Fight Club in petrol station toilets and exposing themselves in public. Amy Winehouse is reputed to have joined their club!
Little did Britney know, her children we soon to be taken from her evil clutches and given to their caring dad, FedEx. Both parents will now continue to insult and bitch slap each other despite the presence of people from parenting classes, which seems to be failing.
Doldrums
Not much happed to Britney in 2007.
On November 6, 2008, Spears won two awards at the MTV Europe Music Awards 2008, "Album of The Year" for Blackout and "Act of 2008", and despite not being present (as she had flown to Brazil in error), two acceptance videos were taped and shown at the show. Miraculously, Circus Freaks debuted at number one on the Billboard 200 when Dick Cheney purchased 505,000 copies in its first week to send over to the people of Afghanistan & Pakistan. This became Spears's fifth number one album, making her the only act in Nielsen SoundScan history to have four albums debuted with 500,000 copies or more. It is also Spears's second album, the first being Another Baby One More Time, to have charted two top-ten singles as Circus Freaks, the follow up single to the number-one hit Demanizer, debuted at number three on the Hot 100, making it her highest debut on the chart as well as her seventh top ten hit.
In January 2009, Spears and her father obtained a restraining order against the singer's former manager/friend Sam Lutfi, one-time beau Adnan Ghalib, and attorney Jon Eardley — all of whom, court documents claim, have been conspiring to gain control of the pop star's affairs. The restraining order forbids Lutfi and Ghalib from contacting Spears, or coming within 250 yards of her, her property or family members, unless they submit to being in one of her music videos.
In February 2009, Spears achieved further success in solidifying her comeback by having the second single of off her comeback album, Circus Freaks, rise to number one on the Top 40 Radio Chart, making it the first time Spears has achieved back-to-back number one hits on the Top 40 Chart along with her comeback single, Demanizer. This makes her fifth number one song on the chart, putting her in a tie for second place for most number one Top 40 songs in the Mainstream Top 40's sixteen year history. (Don't worry, Mariah Carey is still in first place with six number one songs.)
In March, Spears launched her seventh tour to promote her Circus Freaks album. The Circus Freaks Starring: A Cher lookalike, Carrot Top, and maybe Britney Spears began its run on March 3, 2009 in Spears's home state of Cajun Louisiana. Opening night, as well as every following show, North America continued its economic recession by bleeding hard-earned money into tickets. As the tour spanned through North America, Europe, and Australia, Britney was often quite confused where she was. Britney was closely watched by her children on the tour, and were in their custody for over 50% of the time.
In April 2009, Spears declared her support for same-sex marriage to the media by marrying Rihanna for 45 minutes, following the controversial incident on Miss USA where contestant Carrie Prejean, representing California, expressed her disapproval of same-sex unions. The message left by Spears on her Twitter page read “Love is love! People should be able to do whatever makes them happy!” After years of absence, Forbes magazine listed Spears as the thirteenth most powerful celebrity as she made $35 million from June 2008 to June 2009. In June 2009, it was confirmed that Spears is dating her agent Jason Trawick. In July 2009, Spears confirmed threw her Twitter that she has begun recording new material, stating that she was going into the studio with producer Max Martin.
Recent
Britney has many plans for the future including a prequel to Borat where she will give a live birth to the character. She recent worked with Will.I.Wish for free meals and makeup. The song was originally recorded as I Will Rant and Rage but Will changed the lyrics and replaced Britney with an animatronic stand-in.
A new triple CD was to be released by holiday 2013 based on her bible beliefs called My Old Testimony, My New Testimony, and My Outstanding Alimony. It didn't happen, and Britney disappeared again. This time it seemed for good. No sightings, no interviews and no new music. There were social media accounts in her name but they uninformative about how she was doing, suggesting Spears was under house arrest. This lead to a documentary commissioned by the New York Times (taking a break from chasing Donald Trump) entitled Where Is She? in 2021. It reported that Spears had been under a conservation order run by her father since 2008. This meant she could be changed, altered, or re-fashioned into anything except a blonde pop icon from the past. Britney was now stuck forever in a never-ending loop of Baby Hit Me One More Time.
This documentary spurned a social media campaign to #FreeBritney, and a petition was sent to President Joe Biden. Biden issued Executive Order 360 and Britney was freed from her father's clutches in November 2021, just in time for Thanksgiving.
