Why?:Don't do apple juice
So you've had a hard day putting up with that annoying sibling of yours, and your fascist autocratic parents won't give you any more candy. What you need is an ice-cold glass of golden apple juice to wash those troubles away, right? Wrong.
You crazy? Apple juice destroys lives, tears families apart and takes your teddy bear.[1] Just because the popular kids at preschool take apple juice doesn't make it cool. In a few years' time, they'll be lying in the gutter begging you for money so they can "buy food for their 3 starving dollies" that "haven't had a tea party in days".
All of us at Overly Concerned Parents of North America[2] are devoted to stopping the scourge of apple juice and imprisoning the filthy hippies that use it. Using the most effective means—mainly badly-rhyming songs—we try to educate the public about the dangers of apple juice and how to best stop apple juice addiction.
The enemy
You may think you are safe from apple juice. It's only used by hobos and dolly beaters, right? Wrong.
Apple juice is a silent killer, found in normal suburban homes and pre-schools just like yours and used by friends just like yours. It's a hard street drug, usually consumed in a liquid form, though users have been known to inject it straight into the bloodstream.
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Oh, so you think apple juice isn't a drug, wise guy. You sure know a lot about drugs, don't you? Well, I've spent several minutes studying drugs on Wikipedia, so I'm the expert here. Some say that apple juice isn't a drug, but this is a dangerous misconception promoted by apple juice dealers.
No one is entirely sure where apple juice comes from (certainly not apples), but I personally blame all this newfangled technology. Back in my day we only had respectable vices, like alcohol and cigarettes. Hell, they didn't do anyone any harm.
Dangers associated with apple juice
Health dangers
Using apple juice causes instant death.
Bullshit, you say... well, you're wro— right, actually.
The main danger of apple juice is the short- and long-term health risks. Recent studies have identified a link between apple juice, bed-wetting, learning difficulties and paranoia. Apple juice causes periods of hyperactivity, extreme curiosity, overwhelming desire to put things in your mouth, fascination with shiny objects, and severe tantrums.
During so-called "apple trips", users are often unable to walk or talk properly, resorting to pointing and crawling. Driving under the influence of apple juice is also highly dangerous, increasing the likelihood of accidents 100-fold. Many a knee has been grazed by hotshot addicts on their tricycles thinking they are immortal.
In their hallucinations, users often claim to be "cops and robbers" or even "wizards". Yeah, I'd like to see your "magic" bring teddy back.
Other dangers
Aside from the severe health risks, the drug also carries social and financial stigma. Several credible studies have concluded that apple juice users are 150% more likely to be sibling abusers and are 20% more um... er... the paper is kind of ripped here.
Apple juice addiction will inevitably lead to other crimes, usually involving handguns. Yeah, taking some candy from the local store or sicking up your younger brother may not seem like much; you may even think it's "cute". But is prying a bundle of money from your dead accomplice's cold, bloody hands as his brains pour out cute? Is being strapped to Ol' Sparky so a bazillion volts can fry your brain cute?
As most apple juice addicts are poor and uneducated, they will trade anything to fuel their addiction. Most resort to paying in kind—a model car here, last year's Christmas present there; this may not seem like much, but it adds up until the doll house is repossessed. I'm sure you don't want your doll house taken away by the repo man.
Other addicts claim that it is just "given to them", an obvious cover for something more sinister going on like terrorism or, god forbid, illegal gay marriages in the basement.
Proponents of apple juice
The most common proponents of apple juice use are those most gullible and vulnerable in our society. Addicts use apple juice to escape the everyday stresses of sharing with siblings and overly touchy grandmas. Worms and that green stuff from your nose can only help so much in today's society.
Many users claim that it "helps them sleep" and "relieves the humiliation of a soiled diaper".
Hippie and environmentalist groups (if that's what you call those who prefer to eat leaves and not take baths) are also prominent users of apple juice. Several prominent lobbyists have called for the legalization of apple juice because of its "calming effects" but were laughed off as "it looks like it's someone's nap time".
Opposition to apple juice
To counteract the scourge of apple juice addiction sweeping through our suburbs, the government has implemented the "Juice 4 Smokes" campaign. In a totally anonymous process, users can exchange filthy apple juice for the goodness of all-American cigarettes, proven to have triple the smoothness of apple juice. The public can feel safe knowing that the only thing spreading through their neighborhood is the smooth scent of Marlboro Slims.
Another initiative to stamp out apple juice is the highly successful Apple Juice Anonymous program. Members are encouraged to admit their addiction to apple juice in a very supportive environment and follow the 12 steps of recovery.
- Step 1. Cavity search
- Sure we believe you, you don't have any apple juice. But there's nothing like an anal probe to make sure.
- Step 2. Find Jesus
- You have committed the ultimate sin, save homosexuality, and only Jesus can save your soul. Apple juice users are condemned to a life in hell unless they submit to Jesus and pay our $500 fee (jewelry accepted).
- Step 3. Admit you're a filthy addict
- Admit you have a problem with apple juice, and make it interesting. I don't want to be sitting there for three hours listening to you moaning about how your parents don't love you or their bodies are in the attic. Interpretive dance works well.
- Some other steps
- There are a few other stages, most of which involve a clown and wet towel whipping, but for the purpose of this article we will ignore them.
- Step 12. CURED!!!
- You are now cured, you can walk out the door knowing that your parents will still love you... before being dragged off to the holding play pens and charged with drug possession.
Recent ad campaigns in conjunction with not-particularly-popular kids' band Don't Be a Jooser have almost tripled the amount of apple juice abuse in the USA. Using such imaginative slogans as "Don't Do Juice, Kids" and "Guns Don't Kill, Apple Juice Does", officials are perplexed as to why children didn't heed Randy McGeekington's[3] warnings and adopt his trademark high-pants and pocket protector.
So...
Don't do apple juice.
Oh, it helps you escape the real world? It stops you from feeling ashamed after you pooped yourself? Just deal with it! Besides, you shouldn't have these prissy modern emotions like "shame" anyway.
You can have fun without juice at a party; don't take "just a sip" of apple juice from a shady-looking second grader. There's plenty to do other than taking drugs, like... um...
Any questions?
See Also
References
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Featured version: 13 August 2020 |
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