Vicodin
Vicodin is the flesh of the God of happiness, compressed into a small tablet, preferably mixed with Tylenol. When you have ingested a slightly higher than recommended dose of Vicodin, your soul will feel as if God himself were blowing you. You will feel the warmth of a thousand suns (sans the burning flesh and gamma radiation). You will be able to jump higher and live longer. You will be able to play guitar like Keith Richards and flirt with women like Don Juan. You will radiate joy and compassion so much that Christ himself will worship you. Vicodin will bring you Nirvana. You will be enlightened and be able to walk the 8-way paths, simultaneously. Your pupils will be constricted because you will see love everywhere in its purest form, and it will be blindingly beautiful. Your soul will transform into the purest form of win.
Etymology[edit]
Vicodin is also known by its generic name hydrocodone - "hydro", meaning "sweet water"; and "codone," meaning "flesh of the gods." Thus, within every dose of Vicodin, rests the sweet, succulent flesh of the gods.
Acquisition[edit]
Unfortunately, because the government is run by agents of Satan, Vicodin is not available over the counter or in houses of worship. In order to acquire Vicodin, you must either pay off a doctor, blow a doctor, have a friend actually willing to part with their Vicodin, rob a pharmacy, order from a rogue overseas pharmacy, or raid a user's blessed customer's medicine cabinet. There is a common urban legend that you can also be given a prescription by a doctor if you have an injury that warrants narcotic pain medication, though be sure to steal some extra packages of Vicodin when no one is looking.
Use[edit]
Vicodin (Hydrocodone) must be combined with Tylenol to remain safely on the inside of Schedule III; that is, to hide its true beauty from the Satanic governments. However, this ends up providing the very desirable side effect of burning out your liver after repeated communion with the God of happiness. As we know, a burned-out liver then induces a blissful and eternal sleep.
Historical significance[edit]
The beauty of this chemical secured for its creators the Nobel Peace Prize, the Nobel Prize for Medicine, the Nobel Prize for Physics, and the Nobel Prize for Awesome, every year for the last 40 years, though the mass media has brainwashed the general public into forgetting these landmark achievements.
Thankfully, due to the actions of honest devotees of the God of happiness, vicodin managed to survive complete annihilation, albeit as a narcotic prescription drug. However, what initially appeared to be a desperate attempt to save vicodin from the sudden onslaught of Satanic laws that were passed after the creation of the FDA went on to become an ingenious movement, aimed at bringing the God of happiness back into this world in order to do what He did best- blowing people's minds! This movement began with devotees posing as physicians recommending higher-than-strictly-necessary dosages of vicodin to their patients. When the patients then experienced the true joy of communing with the God of happiness, they kept going back for more. The physicians obligingly kept filling in the required prescriptions to help this happiness spread far and wide!
Sadly, the Satanists figured out the noble mission of the devotees, and began spreading most abominable lies, such calling said devotees "quacks" (whatever the hell that means) and sending them to prison and labeling blessed vicodin consumers as "drug addicts". Ever since then, the only physicians licensed to be prescribing vicodin have had to prove their loyalty to Satan first. Fortunately, for all you dear devotees out there, all is not lost.
Join the movement[edit]
Defeat the agents of Satan and join us devotees in spreading the joys of vicodin far and wide! All you need to do is sign up for membership to the various drug labs we devotees have been running for decades in Mexico. The drug cartels over there are a noble brotherhood that will help you manufacture and distribute not only vicodin, but other glorious manifestations of the God of happiness as well! Do not rest until everybody on this planet has tasted the sweet succulent flest of the God, and has become His servant as well! Help us spread the wonderful gifts from the Heaven of Chemicals so that all of mankind can drown in happiness and that blissful and eternal sleep I was talking about earlier, while a few selfless devotees stay on to count their bountiful rewards for serving mankind so well.