War on Drugs
“Talk to your doctor about whether prison is right for you.”
“Just say no to plants!”
“The drugs extends life. The drugs expands consciousness. The drugs is vital to space travel.”
The War on Drugs (like, but not to be confused with, The War on Child Pornography) is a popular hobby of most law-enforcement agents in the United States and was begun when Secret Service agents took it upon themselves to stop multinational corporations making shedloads out of drug addiction and buggered children and forcing those wishing to continue in their careers as drug dealers to go underground.
The government continues to think that it has some strange right to fuck with peoples business (and computers) and thus, the drug industry now relies upon secret dealings involving code names that everyone knows such as "ice", "speed", "pot", "grass", "reefer", "skag", "smack", "crystal", "crank", "tina", "speedball", "bigflake", "charlie", "rock", and just about any other name that sounds vaguely like a Top Gun callsign. Most of these drugdeals "go down" in a place called "da hood" and could actually be anywhere between 20 feet and 20 miles from your house.
History
Response to the Drug War
The victims of the Drug War include Tupac, Eminem, 50, the homeless guy you saw yesterday on the street, and people who refer to themselves or their friends as "homie". Any open-minded individual can clearly recognize that the main goal of the Drug/Child Porn War is to remove corporate, profit-seeking freedoms from the so-called land of the free and place it in solitary confinement inside the heads of Kurt Vonnegut, Emily Dickinson, and Lee Atwater (each of which played a notable role in the advancement of mind-enhancing drugs such as coffee and brussell sprouts.)
Drug Dealers (and Child Pornographers) are expert at evading police, always have an alias and at least two cell phones, and usually carry a replica of Snoop Dogg's crucifix, which is purported to have supernatural powers. despite continual condemnation from crazy conservatives and loony liberals alike, the drug industry continues to thrive, proving that prohibition is just as much a lost cause now as it was the first time around (except in the case of The War on Child Pornography where banging people up for looking at a computer screen is still considered the way to go, especially by us Libertarians.
Although ex-drug users frequently travel to High Schools to tell kids how much their lives suck, no scientific evidence has shown that this helps the cause of the drug war, because these people often relate their experience with phrases like "Meth is so awesome you'll feel better than ever when you're on it and your highs last like 3 days.. but don't ever do it because your teeth will look like this."
The Rise of Narcotics
Although no one knows for sure when most drugs were invented and used recreationally, archaeologists have recently discovered evidence of drug use in several ancient cultures. Recent digs show that the American Indians accidentally invented ecstasy as a side effect of popcorn, and shortly thereafter put feathers on their heads and danced around fires. Marijuana dates back to the Persian Empire, and is believed to have influenced the inventors of most religions of the world, in fact historians now theorize that the burning bush was actually a spontaneously combusting marijuana plant, even Ötzi the Ice man was blazing it up.
Crack cocaine was used by the Aztecs to enable them to do some really crazy shit like walk across burning coals and badly cut themselves with little or no bad side-effects other than communication with the cocaine god, Tezcatlipoca; who did fat lines of coke and chili pepper off the surface of his burning mirror. Texapotalaca is still worshiped to this day in the form of David Bowies reflection; a little known clause of his record contract.
The powers of cocaine served the Aztecs well, but when the Spaniards arrived in the 16th century they were no match for guns, which had been invented by Mel Gibson to help him kick some British ass back in the 14th century. Mel Gibson had invented PCP as a beaver tranquilizer to prepare him for the film The Beaver. However the Spaniards traded the Aztecs their PCP; to make the Aztecs think they were bullet proof; thus making them easier to shoot. PCP won the first drug war; subjugating crack until the 1980's when it was finally liberated by the CIA and brought to the ghettos of America. Gibson would reflect on his experience in the Aztec drug war; in his science fiction novel Neuromancer. Bill Clinton also purportedly invented an even more addictive drug called McDonalds, but couldn't recall the recipe because he was too busy thinking about eating something else; vaginas. George W Bush waged a one man war on drugs; promising to detain all the worlds cocaine up his nose.
Paedophilia was rife in Ancient Greece, where being interested in women your own age, men your own age, or for underage anime girls painted on vases marked men as outcasts. Like the ancients, Bonobo chimps have also been known to copulate with their own children and with no long term harm being observed; this led many biologists to theorize that the titans evolved from giant horny apes, and DNA samples taken from their clay have recently confirmed it. But still these insane limits to human freedom are implimented by the CIA in league with Jewish Martians, the cast of "Cheers" and those little green furry molluscs that come creeping through the walls at night and shout "Ninja" at you at 10 second intervals. What do you mean you have never seen them? But you must have done, like the purple swans. [1]
Recent Advances
In more recent History, Elton John invented LSD in his basement sometime during the hippy movement, and used it to convince Jane Fonda that Vietnam was not worth blowing up. While fucked up on LSD, Fonda reported that she "didn't know what was happening", but later insisted that she knew the whole time that U.S. soldiers joined the military to kill babies.
Several other drugs were invented in the 60's and 70's but they are not worth mentioning as something much more important was invented at this time: Contraceptives!.
Drug Use in Pop Culture
Drug use is often dramaticized, and makes people listen to really depressing shit like James Blunt and Whitney Houston. Some blend between evil science and heavy-duty narcotics created many super heroes such as Superman, Spidey, and THE TERMINATOR (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Every night on Entertainment Tonight you can see a picture of Britney Spears in rehab, as well as the first ultrasound images of Shrek and Fiona's baby ogre. Drugs were the single greatest influence in most historical revolutions including, but not limited to; Anarchy (yes Montesquieu liked to blow shit up, too), The French Revolution, The Great Kangaroo Rebellion, some Indian guys riding around on elephants, the American Revolution, the guy who invented fire, definitely Fred Flintstone and every form of art ever invented including cave drawings and pornography (except modernism- that is shit).
Complaints
The President has officially released a complaint about the war on drugs. He states emphatically that the war would be much healthier if it wasn’t on drugs. The President states that the War should do more exercise and diet on vegetables and Cleanex.
After being released from his vault, the ghost of Al Capone spoke out against drug prohibitions role in creating an environment for organized crime to thrive in the absence of government regulation, during a press conference at Juarez Mexico on Day of the Dead.
Presidential Drug Use
Presidents have always been the biggest drug users in the entire country. From the Cocaine use by Nixon to Meth production by Bill Clinton in the late 90s, drugs have corrupted (or at least made very high) all presidents of the US. Paparazzi photos even show President Bush huffing Kittens with Pope Benedict on his trip to Italy.
Footnotes
- ↑ None of the drugs mentioned on this page are to be confused/associated with kitten huffing.