James Blunt
| James Blunt | |
|---|---|
| Birth name | James Adolf Hitler Blunt |
| Also known as | Dickhead |
| Born | 22 February 1974 |
| Origin | former soviet union |
| Died | 2001-9-11 |
| Genre(s) | Shit rock Dead Cat Aural Rape |
| Occupation(s) | Paid Rapist, murderer |
| Instrument(s) | Vocals, guitar, penis |
| Label(s) | Twat/Cockhead |
| Associated acts | Katie Mu-shit |
James Blunt is so beautiful! James Blunt (born James Hitler Blount, 22 February 1974), is an English wanker singer-songwriter whose debut album, Back to Bed With a Group of Consenting Minor's, and single releases, especially "You're Beautiful Because I've Been Drinking", brought him much fame around 2005. His style of music is comparable to murdering a baby with a diseased cat. Recording for independent American label Pants Custard Records, Blunt won a bunch of pending court cases for being a serial child sex-offender- AWARDS! He released his second album All The Lost Souls, in 2007. An album dedicated to a midget he raped to death when he was a teenager and two military comrades he accidentally killed.
Prior to embarking on a career in music, Blunt did work for the army as a professional rapist TANK DRIVER . While posted to Iraqosovo, Blunt was introduced to the idea of self harm and Emo's. He was too old to become part of the movement, yet on occasion he does like to cut himself and wear make-up.
Blunt's primary residence is now on the Spanish island of Ibiza in a fortified compound. Rumor's abound that Blunt has several midgets held captive in his dungeon. Midgets have no human rights in Ibiza and this suits Blunt for his purposes of midget rape! Midgets are also extremely common to see in Ibizian zoo's, and are often kept as pets or butlers! Though all are castrated to avoid over breeding!
Birth[edit]
Depending on what you've been told, you may think he was born in a hospital like a normal individual such as Gary Coleman. However, in truth, James Blunt was born in Antartica, in a lab which was attempting to genetically create a male baby without testicles, that retained a functional penis preferably on the head somewhere. This project was called Operation Testic-u-clear , after many failed attempts to create a perfect T.F.B (testicle-free-baby), Ellen Degeneres, Queen Elizabeth, Chris Martin to name but a few. The scientists - who were half-Japanese half-Jew (aka Jewanese) - finally succeeded in birthing a T.F.B.
His early years consisted of being taught how to sing like shit, for his leisure and company he was given a pet midget which he raped named John.
At the age of 13 James ,or cockfag JimJim as he was referred to by the scientists, raped his pet-John the midget-to death. The scientists attempted to enter JimJim's cage and resuscitate John but JimJim would not let them so they thought it best to let JimJim keep John's corpse. At the age of 15 whilst in mid rape of the putrefied midget corpse JimJim begun to serenade the corpse with what would become his first song 'You're Beautiful'. It would be another 2 years until JimJim would relinquish the corpse, which at that stage had become a pile of bones and hair -that he still raped- It was also around this time that he requested to be transferred to a military facility and be referred to as James instead of JimJim.
The midget was buried on the day of James' release and he headed up the funeral by singing his entire back catalog of songs. All of which had been inspired in some way or form by the midget. To this day the midget's teeth are still missing. It is suspected that James removed them and forced them down his urethra as a tribute to John the midget. He was once rumored to have been overheard telling a friend "Well I was inside him so much over the years, I thought it only fair that part of him get to be inside me, so I shoved his teeth into my man pussy"
Military Career[edit]
After leaving the lab, he joined the UN (pronounced 'un'). It was while on duty in Iraqastan that he first tasted blood while sucking off a friend, James' teeth ripped the man's penial shaft and blood and semen gushed into his mouth, James continued sucking him off until the man died after accidentally drinking the blood from his friend Jeff. He knew from this point on that he would become a huge dickhead professional singer and make a living out of his voice and many songs about raping a midget love.
As luck would have it for the rest of us, he was locked into a military contract for many more years after he reached his decision to be a professional wanker singer. So he was unable to discharge himself from military service, however he could still discharge his penis and frequently did so! Whilst on patrol one afternoon with his penis in his hand commanding officer, they came under fire from a rag-tag bunch of angry Jew's in Iraqistan. Being aware of being outnumbered James turned his penis GUN on his commanding officer and blew his load brains out. The Jew's, taking notice of this turn of events ceased fire and approached Blunt but would not shake his hand until he had washed them.
Unluckily for the world's non-deaf population, he completed all his tours of duty without getting killed or raped too often. The incident's involving the murder of both his military colleagues were simply written off as follies and seen as accidents. The families of those men were given compensation, in the form of vials of semen. However the bodies are yet to be returned to. As James had a slight regression mentally and wished to keep the corpses so that he could rape them. He requested this from the military at his court hearing for his discharging his penis all over Iraqi citizens.His request was granted, as the court was aware of his past and thought it to be in everyone's best interest that James get to keep the corpses for sexual pleasure, lest he turn his attention to midgets once more.
Singing Badly[edit]
The debut album from the known sex offender Blunt attracted criticism for being a pile of shit! His live performances, mainly in prisons, received mixed reviews. Blunt's lack of performing experience and constantly masturbating with audience members on stage was commented upon! While his music was likened to that of deranged child that had the vocal chords of a cat with a hammer. In March 2004, with Blunt performing in the support role for Katie Melua in Manchester, he ran on stage and attempted to force himself onto Melua,
the audience jeered him for this but soon took his side and were egging him on, shouting "Give her a fucking bicycle the whore"
Eventually he got his penis into her! When he withdrew his penis it was covered in blood as she was on her period as he had caused severe damage to her vagina. Melua would never have sex with a man again and became an avantgarde-neo-Dyke. A magazine wrote, "Blunt is known for raping songs on stage but his rape of Melua onstage, was a bold career move that has paid off dividends, no longer will he be known for forcing himself onto men and midgets (and occasionally children), now he has garnered some respect for fucking that bitch and her 12 million bicycles, Blunt has now cornered the market on shit music, and when he begun to spit onto audience members and call them sheep, his reputation as a total shit was solidified"
Blunt's third single "You're Beautiful" was his breakout hit dubbed so, because it was released the week he broke out of a maximum security facility in Italy! He had been jailed after appearing on a childrens tv show and asking kids to come to his hotel room.
Criticism[edit]
Blunt's music is known for being shit, that is not an issue. It is his severe and often odd behavior that has gotten him the majority of his criticism. People tended to look the other way when he forced himself on midgets and men and women. But it was his attempted rape of Hulk Hogan that caused outrage among the public. Not because of who he was trying to rape. But because the rape was botched and it was the first time in his successful career as a professional singer rapist that he did not succeed in overpowering his victim. Apparently Hulk turned the table on Blunt and raped him. The first time he had been violated since his time in his lab! This incident lost Blunt many fans and the respect of millions.
TV career[edit]
It has been revealed that Blunt is to star in his own reality TV show, 'Manning Up', which will follow Blunt as he attempts to win a new, deeper voice with a voice-label. It is not yet known which channel will swallow its pride in order to screen this latest in a long line of televised diarrhoea. However, it can be assumed that it will be viewable in the early hours of Sunday morning by potential contenders such as ITV2 or any other digital channel you never knew existed because the chances are, it's full of crap and watched by air-headed bozos who have nothing better to gain knowledge of in their lives other than the very trash in question.