UnNews:Greek crisis enters crisis phase
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| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Wednesday, April 24, 2024, 14:43:59 (UTC) |
| Greek crisis enters crisis phase | 
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6 July 2015
ATHENS, Greece -- The bankrupt Greek government entered a new phase over the weekend, as the Greek people shifted from collecting pensions and subsidies for not working, to standing in line in front of empty ATMs instead of working, to debating over a referendum instead of working, to now debating the meaning of the overwhelming vote instead of working.
A 61% majority voted not to accept a European Union proposal that had already been withdrawn before the vote, in favor of an alternative that was not specified. Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras called this unexpectedly large majority a "new mandate" for him to devise an argument that will induce European bankers to lend more money to the people who had just snubbed them.
As a first move, Yanis Varoufakis quit as finance minister. He said "it is my duty to help Tsipras exploit the capital that the Greek people granted us through yesterday’s referendum" that disparaged the very bankers Greece is exploiting to stuff more capital in the cash machines.
Tsipras was scheduled to meet with the Europeans again today for another round of negotiations, in which he will surely promise not to ask the Greek people to vote on whether to break the promise — even though it worked much better than simply having Parliament vote to break it.
Greece now needs a "lifeline," a gambit invented by television game shows by which the contestant is coaxed toward the right answer. The in-studio audience is still shouting "austerity," although Greece and its creditors have already agreed on austere new taxes on Greeks who create jobs, most of whom are now doing so in the Greektown neighborhood of Detroit.
Update — 12 July 2015:
BRUSSELS, Belgium -- Eurozone ministers have turned the relative molehill of a Greek bailout deal into an Olympus-sized mountain that is straining the very foundations of the European Union.
On the brink of making their first-ever right decision, the EU quickly returned to form and started arguing about national agendas, back-stabbing, and general divisiveness. In stark contrast, Greek Finance Minister Euclid Tsakalotos remained quiet, composed and relaxed throughout.
German Finance minister Wolfgang Schaeuble began talks by taking the hard line, calling the Greeks lazy and demanding they work hard for aunty Angela to earn their keep, like the good little Portuguese; and if they don't, they will be thrown to the lions. This opening statement gave other EU members the long-awaited opportunity to accuse Schaeuble and Angela Merkel of trying to push Greece out of the door.
France and Italy exhibited indecision fully supported by the European Commission and the ECB's own indecision strategies. Announcing in front of a dozing financial market that the euro could become unstable if the Greeks exited, a quietly smiling Euclid Tsakalotos spat out his coffee and started laughing, as the euro started to fluctuate and financiers started to twitch.
Gianni Pizzeria, spokesperson for the Italian Prime Minister, said: “Schaeuble is trying to push Greece out to preserve his precious German euro. He refuses to negotiate, even with his own chancellor, who always complains he never pays for a drink either. Schaeuble's attitude will bring disaster to the Union.”
An absent French Prime Minister emailed the summit, with a high priority tag and lots of exclamation marks, begging the members to stop being so stupid, shut up and sign a bloody cheque. Having Greece at their doorstep with no option but to take any deal on offer, it was the perfect opportunity to temporarily plug the hole, and more importantly, keep the ball firmly in the EU's court, as the Greek population have just had a taste of the consequences of non-compliance.
Ignoring this key point of the bailout/Grexit agenda, as well as the key point about having to justify the spend to ex-Communist states worse off than Greece, the EU summit instead passed the joker right back to Tsakalotos by saying a Greek exit could destroy the euro and challenge the very concept of a European Union – despite two weeks of summit meetings demonstrating anything but a Union of Europeans.
Sources[edit]
- Jan Strupczewski and Alastair Macdonald ""Kindergarten" as weary euro ministers divide over Greece". Reuters, July 12, 2015
- Matthew Campbell "Greece Enters New Showdown With Europe". Bloomberg, July 6, 2015