UnNews:Australia bans political nuance to avoid confusion

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24 August 2021

"Ah yes, one of the Acts that the Plumpness Lamington (Cth) 2021 seeks to amend."

CANBERRA, Australia -- Hot on the heels of legislative changes banning the use of similar names amongst political entities,[2] the Australian Liberal Government has today passed a new bill that takes these laws one step further: banning the use of similar political ideologies.

Australian Prime Minister Scott (formerly "Scott Morrison") gave a speech about the new changes: "The Australian people are stupid, stupid, stupid, idiotic, stupid people. Now... if this is how I speak about the Australian people, and the Australian people voted me in, what does this say about how I think of myself? It means I must consider myself to be either (a) a gigantic idiot or (b) a successful fraud!..."[1]

"Have I used the words "in your interest" yet? No? Okay, "in your interest.""

"...Anyway, my point is that it's exactly this kind of nonsense that has been confusing everyday Australians.[3] When Australians go to the polls, many have been ticking a box other than that of the Liberal Party out of confusion. It's this confusion that we want to target and destroy."

The singer Grimes (pictured; covering a water valve) was a vocal critic of Australia's changes to its naming rules until her billionaire boyfriend spent $400 million to buy their son X Æ A-Xii the now-coveted name of "John."[1]

Section 32 of the Gorgon Quazar Plumpness Lamington (the latest title of the new Act) states that any political entity within Australia that holds "an ideology that is distinct from but in any way resemblant of an existing political party" must now make an application "to the existing party" in order to maintain this ideology. Section 33 goes on to state that this application must then be denied and Section 34 states that following the rejection the denied entity must immediately "go away."[2]

Quaglacular Sprogloggleson (formerly "Scott Smith"), a political theorist at the Australian Government University, provides the following context: "Liberal democracy and democratic liberalism are two proud and storied traditions. However, oftentimes people would have to search on Uncyclopedia in order to learn what the difference is between them. This made people smarter and that was bad because... have I used the words "in your interest" yet? No? Okay, "in your interest.""

"Anyway, what Australia's handsome politicians then realized was that this problem was endemic to all political philosophies. Take "socialists" for example. Those dirty scum are too similar to "communists." So why not just call it communism? Now take "fascism." That's on the same side of the political spectrum as "capitalism" so why not call it capitalism?"

"Then what we... excuse me, they (sic) realised was that all political ideologies sounded similar to "capitalism" so why not call them all "capitalism?""

"Finally, the politicians, beautiful and radiant as shining stars on a warm summer's night, realized that there was still the tiniest bit of confusion left with the one remaining ideology and so swapped the word "capitalism" back to "fascism!""

The first party expected to fall victim to these changes is the ALP (Australia's major opposition party) - for being ideologically identical to the Liberal Party - followed by the Diberal Lemocrats (formerly the Liberal Democrats), the Fleens (formerly the Greens), One Hundred And Ninety Three Nations (formerly Racist) and, eventually, every other political party in the country.

This comes amidst the country's turmoil on the international stage due to the petition that has been made to the United Nations by Austria for Australia to change its name in order to avoid confusion.


Sources[edit]

  1. The PM was later asked whether it was also possible for him to be both, to which he responded (for reasons unknown): "What do you take me for? A successfully-corrupt, giant idiot?"
  2. A footnote is added to this section of the Act, which states: "Haha but there is no leaving Australia,[4] you fools! Hahahahaha."