Marketing
“ I would never have been without marketing”
“ I got this sort of thing!!”
Marketing is the branch of science, created by Philip Kotler to sell his books and courses, that is occupied with selling products to people who do not need these products, or who would be better off buying other products. The largest marketing companies that currently exist are the Catholic Church and Microsoft Corporation.
Or, as a marketing company once said, "Marketing is a magical combination of art and science in service of good, through marketing we show you all the qualities of a product, to convince you to do a smart buy based on purely rational evidence of quality. So what are you waiting for? Go to the closest marketing agency near you and come test our NEW and IMPROVED products! (not all of the information contained in this ad is necessarily true), extended use of marketing may cause diarrhoea, mental retardation, impoverishment, comatose, brain damage, blindness, seborrhoea, meningitis, malaria and/or death. Marketing is not for everyone, consult your doctor before use."
In the movie Spaceballs, the all-wise Yoghurt gives a demonstration of marketing. Spaceballs the movie, the book, etcetera are presented, and merchandising of these products and plain yoghurt is the main center of activity.
As an 'art form' Marketing can be viewed as making the audience confuse what something does with what it is called.
Marketing Departments[edit]
Keeping a marketing Department in your company can be a fun and rewarding experience, however, Marketing Professionals have feelings too, and taking care of them is a full time job. Quite often, especially during holiday sales time, Marketing Professionals are given as gifts. It's important to remember that a Marketing Professional is not a thing, but a living, breathing animal who needs constant care and attention, just like a human. If you are interested in the adequate treatment of these and other Human Resources, refer to Human Resources management.
Marketers are not just for Christmas and Birthdays - you can eat them all year 'round.
Marketing techniques[edit]
Create slogans that don't mean anything as if it helped. 'cause it helps.[edit]
For example, if you are trying to sell an ice cream, say "Ice-x, it is cool.", if you want to sell a toxic substance that can cause cirrhosis and traffic accidents, say "Keep walking", or if you're selling a car say "Car-x, go fast, go Car-x.". People will think that your product is better than the others based in this stupid nonsense. Really, it works.
Show happy people doing happy things around the product[edit]
This is commonly used by products that can cause severe harm on the user, just show a picture or a short video of people laughing or dancing while using the product or even if the product is just standing around. Gullible people think they aren't being paid to laugh and buy the product to laugh too. But it brings only pain...PAIN!!!
Use small and fast subtitles to lie without being sued[edit]
This is a classic. Used since the american civil war (as in the "We'll do this to SAVE the SLAVES!!!!!!! Not really, LOL." poster). Since the invention of television the "fast" aspect was added to this technique, like in cigarette ads (In which during three split seconds this message is usually displayed: "Can cause impotency, lung cancer, throat cancer, impotency, death, general pain, coughing, impotency, bad halit, bad taste on the mouth, impotency, severe skin burns, mild genetic mutations, addiction and impotency, LOL."). Normal people won't be able to read and will not trust you anymore, but gullible people (the overwhelming majority) won't be able to read and will believe you.
Add (E)xtreme before words[edit]
Any product can have Xtreme added to the name so that gullible teenagers buy them more often. Classic examples are: "Xtreme Bananas", "Xtreme teddy bears", "Xtreme chocolate cookies" and "Xtreme pink napkins". Sadly, it does work.
Show Attractive Models in Very Little Clothing Enjoying the Product[edit]
Also known as 'Sex Sells'. If a product is directed toward men, then show a woman in a bikini (or nude) having a good time with the product, then saying something similar to "Ohhhhh, (product name) really gets me going!". If the advertisement is directed toward women, then have a well built man in torn daisy dukes feeding a woman, then saying the the camera, "(Product name) makes me want to be good to women".
Use 'Hip' Music to Market the Product[edit]
Everybody knows the young have lots of disposable income, due to living with their parents and/or lack of children, and the young like modern music. So pick music that was popular about two years ago as a background to your marketing commercial to make sure that you appeal to teens and young adults in their twenties.