Trainspotting (novel)
|
Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it. |
Trainspotting ay ah novel wrote by thas radge cunt Irvine Welsh, though hae isnae ey Welsh cunt at all, like, hays fram Scotland where thas cunt book is set, ya ken. Thas novel is aboot drugs ain that, like, aboot shootin up skag in a rait fucked-up bog in the shitest bits ouf Edinbarra. Cunt. Tha main fucker is ey fitba fan radge fella caulled Renton. He an his mates Spud, Sick Boy and Begbie, whae is a mad fucker what loves naiting muir than tae go aroun kickin shite outta poor innaicent people, are tha main cunts, along wi John Galt whae doesnae do skag as he's tae busy makin money offta the poor. Tha novel is famous fir makin the screen turn totally red whin yae copy and paste a bit ay it intae Micraisoft Waird. Cunt.
Tha book ded queet well oan release and were made intae a class film by an auld radge called Danny Baiyle, ken, the sem cunt wha made that film abait the bairn whae gets onna Hae Wants Tae be a Rich Cunt and ends up gettin tairtured. Prab'ly that Danny cunt hae never used skag in is life, but it were nae a bad film, like.
Stuff whae happens
Tha book is set up Nairth in Scatland, whir all thir is tae do is take drugs an kick the shite outta doss cunt tairists. The book is divaided up intai loadsa short bits, en it doesnae really follai a plot exactly, but there's a sortae general story tae the whole thing.
Pairt One: Takin Drugs
At the stairt Renton, the radge whae narrates things, is thinkin abait givin up skag but the cunt isnae possessed o' the willpoair, ken. He takes a loada drugs because he's a bit ay a yaseless gobshite. We meet is mates, whae are all fucked up oan drugs and that and cannae seem to quit, and summa the otha cunts whae make up the story. Thair all either on a loada drugs or booze or are psycho bastads whae start barneys in pubs and tha like. As ye start tae appreciate, thir's a loada fucken drugs and nasty shite in this book.
The bastads see their situation gettin worse, though it wasnae great tae begin with. In fact it were utter shite, ken. Renton tries tae kick tha smack by lockin hisel away bit ends up shuving torpedoes up is jacksy. The idea seems tae work, like, but then tha puir bastad shits em all oot and hasta stick is arm den intae the bog to get thes fuckers back. Stevie, a minor-type character, ges back whae his lassie whae he was scrappin with, ken, the lucky cunt. Some more shite happens then one ay the lassies, Lesley or some shite, loses her bairn as she's a junky ma an aw an we find out tha radge cunt Sick Boy is tha wee little ones auld man.
This fairst bit is maistly settin tha scene, like, so nae much happens and ya didnae need tae worry aboot it. By the enda this bit Renton and alla his mates are still shootin up junk and all that shite.
Pairt Two: Takin Mair Drugs
Tha second pairt of the book is maistly aboot drugs, takin drugs, tryin to kick drugs and fuckin it up an takin drugs agin. Thirs a bit at the stairt wit a doss cunt Tommy sayin thit skinny cunt Iggy Pop, ken, but it disnae go anywhir. The fuckin nutter Begbie gets hisel involved in a sketchy fuckin bar fight whit he starts. Thas a bit mair fun ti read aboot. Begbie, we nae know, is a cunt ay the first order and has a shite moustache an aw, sae he's sortay the villain ay the piece, like, only nae really as they all act like a buncha cunts. Renton also shaits skag intae his cock, like.
Thirs a funny bit hir where this radge cunt Davie wakes up in this lassies bed after shittin hisel an it gets all ova the breakfast, like, and a sad bit whir some poor laddie gets the shite kicked outta him fer sleepin wit some bird.
Pairt Three: Still Takin Drugs, Like
Fuck all happens hir except that bit from tha film whir Renton fucks that wee bairn of a lassie hae was only fourteen. Renton doesnae take any skag in this bit, as the doss cunt is kickin tha habit and managin it fir once in his yaseless life, which makes it a bit shite.
Pairt Four: Not Takin Drugs! (Nah, Just Kiddin ya Cunt, Still Takin Drugs)
Renton an his thick cunt mate Spud are in shite with the rozzers fer swipin books at the stairt of this bit. The cunt Renton ends up back on tha junk, acairse. Sick Boy kills a dug fer some kicks and we get a bit ay insight intae Renton's brain, like, which is fucked up (as ye can probably ken by nae). Some otha shite happens as well, like a funeral and a load ay stuff about Scatland being pretty shite an ainly a little better than them cunts dain in Northern Ireland, some ay hae fer some reason are at tha funeral.
The maist fucked-up bit ay this bit is whir Renton tries kickin tha junk (again) and sees a shiteload of fucked-up shit that isnae real. He sees the wee bairn from the fairst bit, remember the one what died? Yeah, that wee un, Renton sees her crawlin all aroond the ceilin, like, and the bairn keeps sayin Renton killed hers, which is shite. This bit is in tha film an is fuckin haird tae watch an aw. Personaily I fuckin loved it, though, ay them weird visions were better than crack, ken.
Pairt Five: This ay yer Brain oan Drugs
This bit ay propa serious, like, ah couldnae believe it. Thir's this radge cunt Davie whae the AIDS, all in this group fer other fellas with it, an thir's this other gobshite in thir with him, and ya find oot that the other cunt raped the first radges lassie and thas how he got infected. He wants revenge, ken, and can yae blame the fella? The bit is ay fucked up, whae the guy Davie makin mates whae the otha fella and gainin his trust, ken, nd findin oot he's got a bairn, like, a son. So he gens the felas trust then shaes him alla thes pictures ay his boy aw fucked up and covered in blood, like. Then hae tells him he bummed and killed the laddie, and the cunt fuckin dies from grief ay something. He nae really did it, acairse, but its a rait fucked up bit, still.
Some othae stuff happens ay well but it were nae near as gud as whae happened wi the AIDS cunt.
Pairt Six: Givin oop Drugs. Really, ah Swear Thes Time
Thirs nae a huge amount happens in thes bit, especially aftae tha cool shit whit happened in tha last bit. Thirs some fun wae a lassie whit dunks her fanny-plug intae some cunts tea, and Begbie kicks shite outae some kid cos his auld man ay an alkie, ken, and cos he's just generally a radge cunt whit has a tempa problem, like. Some folk die ay somethin that isnae junk. I dinnae, I wis drunk when ah read this bit, rait fuckin drunk.
Pairt Seven: Eh ya Doss Junky Cunt!
The lads are doan in London tae do some drug deal doss, but Renton is wakin up tae them all bein a buncha cunts ('cept Spud whae is ok fae a thick radge) and decides to swipe tha cash thae whir gettin from floggin tha skag, ken. Hae gets the money and hids out tae Amsterdam fae some reason, nae idea whae, and that's tha end of tha book.
Cunts whae are in it
Mark Renton ay the main radge, hae is a sortae smart fella wi some charm but is let doon bae his inability tae just say no tae skag. Hae went tae university, the posh cunt, but left due tae his enormous junk problem, the doss cunt. His "best mate" ay a fucker called Sick Boy hae is also on smack an spends a lotae his time shaggin lassies. Hae becomes a pimp or somethin later in tha book. On tha nicer side is Spud, hae is quite sweet an innaecent really, but ay still on smack, ken. Cunt. Hae has a weird beastie fetish an keeps referrin to tha cunts hae meets as cats in his hidlike. This ay probably because he's thick as shite.
Begbie, wae already knae, is a psycho motherfucka cunt hae beats people up. Nae much else tae say aboot him. Thirs also a bunch ay othas: Stevie, hae comes across as a rait nice guy, Nina hae is Renton's cousin or somethin, Dianne hae is a young lassie whit fucks Renton then bribes him fer mir fucks, Obama hae sells em tha drugs, John Petrucci, a street busker whae has a problem huffin crack an kittens, an Laird Breegghh Dumfries, a proper radge cunt from the Hobo Army. Pretty much ay the folk in tha book are ay fucked up on drugs, or booze, or shaggin tae many skanky fucks whae give em all AIDS or whaever. Tha life expectancy fir cunts in the novel ay about fourty pages.
Whae it's all aboot
Drugs. Nae, really, that's it, thirs nae else, it's aboot drugs.
Hae it Whir Written, Ken
Tha book ay written in phonetic Scots, sae it's written doon like it whir a real Scot talkin, like. It are mostly Renton's bits whit are like this, ken, but he's the main radge cunt sae that means mosta tha book are written tha way. Thir are a few bits whir it's written in some poncae propa Queen's English, like, but nae sae many, it's mostly in tha beautiful home language. Sometimes it onlae follows one radge's thoughts, like Renton or Spud or whaever, but other times it jumps around an follaes a fewa them. It's deid clever, like. Thir's even a bit whir the character is goin insane, like, an the text is all fucked-up, ken, tae show he's a fuckin mad cunt.
Whae People Thart Aboot it
Tha book whae released tae generally shite reviews as nae cunt could undastand a wird that whae said in it. Some fucka from The Guardian said it whir like being smashed in tha face whae a brick whit had been rubbed in tha piss from an alleyway in Edinbarra. It whir mebbe two year befir some radge hired a fella tae translate it and discovered it whir actually pretty good, like, and did another review aboot how good it whir. Tha best bits, hae said, whir the bits aboot the drugs, which whir all of it, ken, sae it whir all good, like. Otha cunts agreed, aftae gettin it translated themsel, and praised tha book fir its realistic depiction of the Scots as hard-drinkin junk fiends whae a penchant fir violence and fitba. Tha reviews whir less bonny in Scatland itsel, whir it was felt tha book whir "a soft touch" an "didnae go far enough," as thir whir very few bits whir any English folk got stabbed or slashed up, like, which are tha national sport ay Scatland, ken.
Tha Film Whae Whir Made Aboot it
Seein how tha book whir gettin popular among racists, it whir decided tae make it intae a film, ken, so cunts whae cannae read could enjoy it. It starred Obi-Wan Kenobi and a bunch ay other cunts whae whir paid in bacon and fancy shaes fir their time. On release it whir praised highly bae both tha cunts in Scatland whae owned a telly.
Bits Thae Whir Different
Tha film is mir or less similar tae the book, except tha thir are 25,000,045 fewer uses ay the wird "cunt" (brinin the films total tae only eight billion) an tha John Petrucci cunt gits replaced bae a cheery fucker whae repaints stolen horses so tha cops cannae recover em. Tha plot ay a bit mir linear, like, and thir whir some changes like tha bit whir one cunt shits hisel whir changed so it whir Spud whae did it, which whir funnier like as Spud ay a bit ay a tit an has funny glasses and shite in tha film, ken, and every cunt knows glasses make any radge instantly funny, especially when they shits theysel. A lot a bits whir made mir surreal, like, like they whir dream sequences or whiteva. Tha bit whir that cunt Renton hasta dig oot some Opium torpedoes outta a bog ay especially fucked up. Apart frim tha the film whir fairly close tae the book, like, only tha cunts whit made it put in a buncha smartarse one-liners an mae a big deal oota this shite speech aboot choosin life an stuff. It whir ridiculous cos every cunt knaes that Scatlan is nae actually a real place and ya cannae make any actual choices thir.
Tha Trouble it Gae Intae
Tha film whir a bit controversial, ken, as it whir felt yit made drugs look ry cool an aw. Tha English cunt government didnae like it, thinking bairns would see tha film and want tae go oot and buy skag an that, which fir some reason ay illegal in England, rather than compuls'ry like it be in Scatland. Whin it came tae trial, the actor radge says to the judge, "look, ya cunt, this fella dives intae a stinkin fuckin bog tae recova his drugs, are yous seriously sayin this is glamourous, ken?" tae which the judge replies "of course, you Scottish oik. Deep-toilet diving is a well-established hobby of the glamourous upper classes. If you didn't spend all of your time taking drugs and pissing Irn-Bru you would know this. You cunt." Tha judge thin shot tha actor in tha hid an went home tae have a wank.
Sae Alsa
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 6 March 2011 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |