The Fourth Stooge
Perhaps the most influential comedy team in the entire entertainment industry, the Three Stooges earned themselves a devoted clan of followers, cover acts, and rabid fanboys over their brief but prolific decades-spanning career. Their success was widespread, and they released movie after movie of pure psychedelic slapstick perfection: The Farcical Fingers-in-the-Eyes Tour, Sgt. Moe's Lonely Slapping People In the Face Club Band, and Rubber Shirt. Their accomplishments have been so deeply ingrained into the cultural canon that they accrued numerous forced allusions to the Beatles over the years.
But like the solid four-man lineup of John, Ringo, George and Paul, the trifecta of Larry, Curly and Moe was impenetrable to interlopers, though that wily Joe guy sure gave it his best in '57. Little did the public know that, since the salad days of the Stooges' career, there was a fourth man behind the scenes, the dirty secret of the Three Stooges, hidden behind Funhouse mirrors to prevent his Raw Power from overpowering the Stooges' light comedy since 1969. This is the story of the Fourth Stooge. This is the story of Iggy.
Childhood
It is common knowledge that the Three Stooges were born as triplets to a young Jewish couple on the lower east side of Manhattan.[1] What the public didn't know, however, was that another baby was born that night, though in a completely different part of town.[2] This man was the Fourth Stooge. This man was Iggy.
About twenty-seven years flew by and no communication passed between the Thunderous Three and the Onerous One, spare an occasional shoulder-bump down on the street[3] or an argument at a hot dog stand. Several more years drove by and Larry, Curly and Moe got famous. But this isn't their story. This is the story of the Fourth Stooge. This is the story of Iggy.
Show Business
Tired of being kept down by the cold, oppressive ways of the city that never sleeps, Iggy made his way to the west coast to pursue his dream of being a musician in pursuit of his dreams. Regrettably, Los Angeles proved to be just as oppressive and insomnia-inducing as New York, just slightly warmer.[4]
Iggy enjoyed modest success as a juggling bartender for the Hard Rock Cafe for a period of time, but on January 1st 1969 he suddenly found himself confronted with another year with nothing to do[5]. Iggy was getting the L.A. Blues and had to fix his life quick, so he volunteered to be an extra on the set of the new Three Stooges movie The Three Stooges Get Pursued by a Mummy. But this isn't the story of three lovable losers getting chased by a risen pharaoh. This is the story of the Fourth Stooge pursuing the mummy of his dreams. This is the story of Iggy.
Iggy, having grown up in poverty with his Luddite gay uncles[6], was unfamiliar with the concept of movies, so when the Three Stooges began their hilarious squabbling on set, Iggy interpreted their show as reality. Tantalized by the violence, Iggy joined in on the fun by busting Curly square in the nose with a punch that flooded Moe with such joyous excitement that he turned around and busted Larry in the nose with a punch that filled General Dreedle with such mellow gratification that he ordered Colonel Cathcart to throw the Chaplain out of the officer's club.
His violent antics on set were a great inspiration to the comedy threesome, who hired him as their new producer on the spot. But this isn't the story of three guys who hired Iggy as their new producer. This is the story of the Fourth Stooge. This is the story of Iggy.
Sure, this is the story of the Fourth Stooge, but does that necessitate that it has to be the story of Iggy? No, not at all! In fact[citation needed], the title of Fourth Stooge is one that has been in contest for decades.
While most have attributed this prestigious epithet to Iggy, who produced the bulk of the Stooges' movies, there is a small group of musical historians who believe that legendary rhythm-and-blues musician Billy Preston holds the title.[7] Preston contributed to some late-era Stooge movies[8] as a session humorist and acting coach after Iggy's forced ejection from the band[9] in many important ways. The Stooges, who were having difficulty adjusting to the disco craze of the time, were advised by Preston to grow tremendous afros similar to his own as culturally relevant props.
The idea instantly appealed to Moe, who dropped his mop-top style and donned a giant Chia Pet scalp after realizing that he could use his new 'do to conceal a plethora of weapons. The other two Stooges, who were physically unable to grow 'fros themselves, were terrified by this turn of events and forced Preston to quit after an intimidating whooping[10]. Nevertheless, his influence remained and he became known in some circles as the other Fourth Stooge. But this isn't the story of the other Fourth Stooge. This is the story of the Fourth Stooge. This is the story of Iggy.
The Four Stooges Get Pursued By A Copyright Infringement
Already incensed by the terrible liberties with the concept of humor taken in this article's introduction, the Beatles would simply not stand for another popular troupe with four members being allowed to exist. Several lawyer summonings and fire-pole-sliding-downs later, Iggy was forced to leave the Three Stooges forever, the memory of his brief stint washed away... like... tears, in the rain.[11] But this isn't the story of the Three Stooges still being the Three Stooges. This is the story of The Fourth Stooge. This is the story of Iggy.
Before the word of the incident could be erased from the annals of history by the Beatles' superlawyers, competing influence-junkie David Bowie caught wind of Iggy's plight and decided to help him restore him to former glory. There was, however, a catch: Iggy had to renounce his rights as a human and become Bowie's ambiguously gendered sex slave for the next decade and a half. Luckily, the adventurous Iggy didn't just not mind being treated like an animal, he straight up wanted to be his
HOLD UP, DAWG. I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS ARTICLE IS GOING. I GOT KIDS READING THIS STUFF. COOL IT ON THE ADULT CONTENT OKAY?[12]
Alright. The Story of the Fourth Stooge (the story of Iggy) Without Adult Themes:
So there was this guy.[13]
References
- ↑ What do you mean you didn't know that? It's common knowledge for Christ's sake!
- ↑ Chelsea, if we must split hairs.
- ↑ New York is a very crowded place! Have you ever been? The subways are crazy!
- ↑ So a net gain, really.
- ↑ An oh my and a boo hoo.
- ↑ C'mon, it's Chelsea for Christ's sake.
- ↑ There's an even smaller group that believes Joe is the coveted Fourth, but everyone refuses to talk to those guys.
- ↑ Even one with Joe. Guy was a total schmuck to work with.
- ↑ Spoiler alert!
- ↑ Whoop whoop whoop!
- ↑ Though a poor few of us still remember Joe.
- ↑ BETTER NOT SEE NO MORE REFERENCES TO NO HOMOS.
- ↑ And he was definitely NOT the embodiment of sex and drugs and rock and roll in the '70s. I swear he wasn't.
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