Timbaland
“Oh, I do like Tombola, Billy!”
“Timbaland, not to be confused with Timberwolf, son of Mr and Mrs Timbaland”
“Where?”
Jimmy Douglas Smith (born March 10, 1972), better known by his stage name Timbaland, is an American rapper, plagiarist, professional negro and certified bellend. He is best known for producing albums for people who aren't really that good to begin with and stealing songs from anyone he can. In the mid 1990's he was a critical failure and commercial disaster working with prominent Hip-Hop artists such as Ken Dodd, Cliff Richard and most famously Slipknot on their multi award winning, face melting, bat shit insane album "Annie: The Musical".
In 2006 he collaborated with "Nelly Retardo" and "Justin Timbucktoo" on his album "More Stolen Samples".
Associated acts[edit]
Timbaland's associated acts are every single recording artist in history as he has stolen music and samples from everyone. Even Kraftwerk and his own buthole, who managed to write better songs than he did, sorry does.
Early Life[edit]
Timbaland is fat and was born and raised in the world famous Ghetto, shithole and Health Spa of Compton, California. Timbaland is the half brother of Justin Timberlake but changed his name so future collaborations with him wont be met with accusations of family pity. Timbaland worked as a pay as you go rent boy for local radio station "Get Pumped", this is where Timbalands first sample was unwittingly taken during a particularly rough session with the station director he was recorded saying "OW! I feel goood!". It was later used on Slayers 1980's album "Fluffy Pink clouds". Also Timbaland is a homosexual.
It was after he left "Get Pumped" FM that he decided to steal make music for a living. Sources say he started making backing beats on his Casio keyboard but being black he would have been poor and not able to afford a keyboard so we at Uncyclopedia estimate that it was, in fact a Casio calculator. Due to a calculators limited musical abilities it is attributed for Timbalands droning repetitive rhythms, so technically he can't be blamed for being shit.
Missy "the Heffer" Elliot got a demo of Timbalands work and immediatly decided to hire him to produce her next album. This failed so spectacularly that Missy Elliot commited suicide. Timbalands bullshit production values were to blame. Technically it was the Casio Calculator.
Before 1996[edit]
Timbaland made some tracks in this time. Oldest from 1910.
1996 To 1999[edit]
Timbaland then worked with Ginuwine on his debut album. It failed. The only song to receive airplay was written and produced by Timbaland it was titled "Get outta my head (ay ya ya)" you "Womanizer" because I'm "Perfection" and "I wanna make love in this club"'. This was Timbaland's first foray in to blatant plagiarism, which he was to become an expert at over the years, and build a career from.
Later in 1997 Timbaland worked with promenant Folk Musician Jay-Z on his debut single "Big country Pimpin" which stole samples directly from the song "Khosara" by Egyptian composer Abdel Halim Hafez. In 2001 Timbaland worked with Hindustani Jam and punkband "Tombola Rat Sex" on their debut single "Get the fuck out" a direct plagiarism of Linkin Parks new song "Get Ur Freak On". But since nobody over the age of 13 likes Linkin Park nobody noticed.
2001 To 2002[edit]
Later in 2001 Timbaland worked with professional Media Whore Usher (who he previously and shamelessly plagiarised) on his new album titled "Not Quite 50 Cent". The title alludes to the fact that he WANTS to be "Fiddeh!" but doesn't quite have the "Mad Skillz" required. Also Usher hasn't been shot 50 times once, despite the fact many people have thought about it most were wise enough to realise that it was a waste of good ammo.
Tracks that Timbaland prodcued, wrote and ruined on this album are:
- Transsexual Express (Kraftwerk copyright infringed).
- Lick Me Baby One More Time (Britney Spears copyright Infringed).
- Hex On Fire (Kings Of Leon copyright infringed).
- Good Touch (Bloodhound Gang copyright infringed).
- Do Ya Think Im Lovely (Rod Stewart copyright Infringed).
- I'ma black in New york (Sting copyright Infringed).
- Full House Mug (Lady Gaga copyright Infringed).
- Meet me high on hiway (Black Eyed Peas copyright Infringed).
- I stealen my mumz beatz (His mum copyright Infringed).
- Know Your Enema (Green Day copyright Infringed).
Amazingly none of these cases of Blatant Plagiarism were ever chased up, NME estimate that it is because the album only sold 4 copies.
Despite Timbaland sucking balls and stealing everyones work in mid 2002 Timbaland once again was working with a black rapper called Chris Brown he also wanted to be 50 Cent so once again this gave Timbaland all the motivation he needed to steal more songs and put it on a disk and sell it down Camden market.
The album was another piece of total thievery by the undisputed grandmaster of intillectual property theft. Timbaland called (Chris Brown has no say) the album "Not Rich and Still Tryin'". There were no songs worth mentioning on this piece of crap. Chris Brown was quick to deny ever knowing who Timbaland is. What a wise kid, eh?.
Scott Storch[edit]
Scott Storch is Timbalands nemesis and full time Canadian. He is a real producer who makes his own music, and Timbaland doesn't like this too much, so he called him the "Piano Man, cos dat lowdown beeatch makes his choonz on a piano! Dat's not Hip Hop!" Storch came back with "Hahaha at least I make my OWN SONGS" and went on to call Timbaland "The Casio Calculator playin cunt". Timbaland responded with the diss track from Usher "Wanna make love in this club", to which Storch replied with the diss track "Hey Mr Tambourine Man". Timbaland again replied with the track "Love Shack" (that's a direct outright copyright breach) Storch replied with "Do ya think I'm sexy" Timbaland conceded defeat and was said to cry like a smacked puppy after the incident. It has been confirmed since that both Timbaland and Storch are both pathetic little tossers.
Hiatus And Other Projects[edit]
Late 2002/start of 2003 Timbaland decided that he needed to take a break from being a thief and wanted to start other projects. He started a charity and founded a theme park situated in scenic downtown Detroit where the chance of being shot is super duper mega high very very low.
Theme Park: Timabaland decided to call his new theme park Timba-Land not to be confused with Disneyland and Timba-Land had 5 very differant reigeons:
- The magic Kingdom of Fife.
- Animal Burgh Of Camden.
- Timbalands Thievery Studios.
- TMBLND- Good ship earth.
Disney want to sue Timbaland for yep, you guessed it. Plagiarism of their theme park and rides.
Some of the most popular rides are:
- Outerspace Hill.
- The Rappin' Rollercoaster.
- Terror Elevator.
- Race Track (sponsored by General Motown)
Other Attractions: Timbaland also opened 2 waterparks in conjucntion with his main theme park he called them "Tsunami Beach" and "Blizzard Lagoon". Timbaland also opened "The Timbalands Wedding Pavilion late in 2004.
"Charity Work": Despite what has been said about his more than Dubious working practices Timbaland likes to give something back to the people who made him and didn't sue. Not everything but something, so he started a childrens charity called T.H.I.E.F.
T.H.I.E.F. stands for; Timbalands Help For the Impoverished and Fat. and it has raised over 2 dollars so far.
Triumphant Return To Plagiarism[edit]
in 2003 Timbaland decided to return to the music business after a letter from Bubba Sparxxx convinced him to "bust out da calculator and lay some phat beats on ma tra' homie". He obliged. Bubba's new album titled "These Things I believe" charted at number 453 in the American top 40 chart, Bubba celebrated this by commiting rape and murder in true rapper fashion. he was later caught and sentanced to death by electrocution in New Yorks Sing Sing prison. The irony of the name and method was not lost on Mr Sparxxx as his last words were "Rename dis chair Bubba Sparxxx fo' me dawg!". It was. Timbaland was deeply affected by the death of Mr Sparxxx and went to look for more talent to ruin and stumbled upon the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
After tense negotiations Timbaland and the Red Hot Chubby Chasers decided on a fee. Mr Timbaland got to eat his dinner at KFC every night and the Red Hot Chubby Checkers got to Visit California whenever they wanted.
The new album was titled "Timbaland Presents a Cross Section of Other Peoples Work Represented by The Red Hot Chili Peppers". Tracks from this album include:
- Red Hot Tyre Fuck.
- Mousse Glass Milkshake.
- Moonbeam Cereal.
- Always Coke a Cola
- Turkey Butt,Meatball Sub.
- The Volkswagen and the thief.
- Real men Don't Kill Coyotes. They eat them.
- Tree race dick shit.
- Pornography in Greece.
- Drugs Make Google fun.
- Cock Spanner.
- Volvo Bush Sex.
- Guitar Hero I am Not.
- Vokda Fire.
- Hot Hot Vindaloo 42.
- Heart Attack Hotel.
- Transsexual Express.
- Champagne Super Knobend.
- Welcome To The Bumhole.
- Parts Line 171.
- Donkey Sex Inferno.
- Underground Cat Implants
- Van Van Dale Van Van/ Christmas Buggery feat. Graham
- California.
The Album has done extremely well for itself mainly because the last few tracks were just total theft of Oasis,Kraftwerk and Guns N' Roses songs.
Today[edit]
Timbaland is currently lining up another album titled "Timbaland Presents a Cross Section of Other Peoples Work Represented by a Collection of Artists: I Can't Believe I'm Still Getting Away With It". It's due for release sometime in 2009.
Discography[edit]
- Tim's Bio: Life Of A Con Artist (1910) #Note: Timbaland's oldest album.
- Suck Value (1975)
- Not Rich And Still Lyin' (1987)
- Public Domain Songs I Can't Be Sued For Using (1999)
- Toxic Pussy (Timbalandmix) (2007) #Note: This song was remixed from Madonna's Toxic Pussy [Check Maddona's Discography]
- Toxic Pussy (Timbalandmix EXTRA Bonus) (2007) #'Note: Contains 3 Bonus Tracks (see above) + 1 CD showing Madonna Porn.
- Cockasaurus (2008)
- Cockasaurus 2000 (2008-2009)
- It's Too Soon (To Anal) (2009) #Note: This was in the 3rd place of Top 29 Max Kewl
- Fuck Meh Not released yet. (2010)
You can notice he is more active during 2007-today.
Bonus Tracks[edit]
Toxic Pussy (Timbalandmix) was, incredebly, a great success. It was in #1 place at Top 10 Nerd Musics so Timbaland made a EXTRA Bonus edition tham came with:
- Bonus Track Mad Anna
- Bonus Track Toxic, Just Toxic
- Bonus Track Madonna and the Old Gold
- Bonus CD Madonna's Favourite Porn: Belly Sex
Private Life[edit]
On June 10, 1987, Timbaland married his long time girlfriend and short term boyfriend, Ivana Steffanovovich Carter Hill, in a Viking ceremony presided over by former Beatle current drugs mule John Lennon in Vagina Beach, Vagina. The Honeymoon went well, only 3 people died.
Timbaland currently resides in a cave high in the Pakistani hills with childhood sweetheart Osama Bin Laden. The pair are said to be shopping for swatches of moss for the master bedroom.
It's now said that Timbaland is one of the richest black men in history and has amassed a sum total of over 22 Dollars.
His mother Burt Reynolds has said in interviews that her son had a massive crush on Esther Rantzen when he was a small boy and would often hump his pillow at night whispering "Esther....Esther...oh Esther".
Trivia[edit]
- Timbaland isn't really black.
- Bryan Adams is in love with him.
- The Red Hot Chili Peppers album was his last big hit until 2098.
- He's the best plagiarist in the history of man.
- He is a fan of Benefit Fraud.
- The LA Lakers hate him.
- John Madden loves FOOTBALLL!
- His Mum and Dad were turkey farmers from North Carolina.
- Jason Lee thinks he's the funniest black man since Bill Cosby, but not good enough to be on "My Name Is Earl".
- Dale Jones takes it up the bum every christmas
- Van, van, dale, van, van, dale, dale, van, van, dale, dale, van, christmas