Space Travel
Space travel, or astrogation, is a means to spend a whole lot of money to show others where we put our feet first. Since early in mankind's history we've been questioning the origin of life, the universe, and everything. Space Travel could only be possible due to the delusional attribute of mankind's dreams.
Early Attempts for life[edit]
Space Travel was first discovered right after the Invention of Cheese by Descartes in 1 A.C.. He was looking after the Philosopher's Stone when he accidentally crossed two straight segments in a right angle...
| “ | Eureka! I've Found Space!!!!!!! | ” |
Space Travel has been tried by many, but few reached it. The first attempt was made by a portuguese navigator called Vasco da Gama early in the late 15th century. He wanted to fly in his caravel to outer space and breathe the ether himself, but instead, only found a way to India by sea.
German monkeys space program[edit]
The first serious attempt to get into space was by the German scientists Doctor Emmet Von-bon Brown, who discovered the flex capacitor which powers space travel, and by Albert Einstein, who invented the theory of relativity, which allows people to travel in space only if they are related to each other. In trying to explain how the theory worked, Einstein also invented trains which can travel faster than light. He explained that in these trains which travel faster than light, if you were to walk up the train, your speed would actually be 2 miles per hour faster than light speed. Thus, many of the early light speed trains could attain faster than light travel due to people who were paid to constantly run up and down the carriages. It was slightly inconvenient for passengers with people running up and down all day, but it sure got you where you were going pretty fast!
The Germans developed the V2 rocket (V2 being the improved version of the V for victory hand sign) which powered all of their space rockets. The German space program only lasted during World War 2 with them building fleets of Star destroyers, and led by astronaut Darth Vader. Ultimately, the German space program ended when American pilot Luke Skywalker blew up the German Death Star, and all of the German scientists were put to trial at Nuremberg, where it was found that they were definitely guilty, but that didn't really matter because they could start working for the Russians and Americans.
English space program[edit]
The English space program was pioneered by Dr Who who discovered that English phone boxes were an excellent source of energy and could easily travel in space. This theory was stolen by the American scients Bill S Preston Esquire, and Ted Theodore Logan, who discovered that American phone boxes could travel in time as well as space.Monkeys where also a very good flyers they could fly right in to the sun.
Many English backpackers and hitchikers travelled all over the galaxy, and compiled the important guide to the galaxy, The Hitchikers guide to the galaxy. As written in the guide, english ships run with an Improbability drive, which is able to send any ship to the least improbable place in the galaxy at any given time. Priority is given on English space ships for tea facilities, especially with crumpets and/or scones. Many english ships have actually crashed due to overloading of the cargo holds with scones and other food items. Tea is also the actual propellant and rocket fuel used in the spaceship, a clever english innovation.
The english also have a fleet of space shuttles called the Moonscrapers, which are piloted by James Bond. Professor Hawking's wheelchair is capable of interstellar travel, among many other things.
Russian space program[edit]
While the American space program is famous for landing a man on the moon, exploring all the planets of the Solar System, the Russian space program is chiefly notable for sending the first dog in space. All of the Russian space ships are only small enough to fit dogs in, who are referred to as being cosmonauts. (cosmonaut is the Russian word for dog).
The Russians were also able to set up a space station up their butts called Mir, which is notable for the way that pieces from it periodically fall down to earth unexpectedly. It is made entirely of potatoes, cabbage and chewing gum (the gum holds it together).
The Russians kidnapped Descartes and sent him to Siberia! During his captivity, he accidentally sent one right segment out of the origin of his new found space.
Thus, according to the complex concepts found by Descartes, the Russians stole the Imperial Plans for the Death Star and constructed a little flying object called Sputnik. They had some technical problems at first, but then they adapted the vehicle to hold a intelligent being, smarter than the average human, a dog called Laika. They uses Saddam Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction ar in his butt as a propelling device and Sputnik was good to go. Laika was able to drive Sputnik to space, land on the moon, place the CCCP flag and come back safely. Nevertheless, because communism was a reality on that piece of cyrillic land, they wanted to place every Russian citizen on the moon, so everyone could enjoy the wonders of space travel. The result was a great explosion caused by excess weight on the Sputnik, but it was all covered up by the Russian government.
The Russian program has two great advantages over other programs: the spacecraft can land on the ground without being shaped like an airplane, and they cost less than cheap vodka.
American space program[edit]
The renowned American spy, Arnold Schwarzenegger, then brought the plans to USA and the American Space Empire, the United States of Space, started. In that rural land, the redneck scientists were able to construct the first Space Shuttle called "Chicken Run" and reproduced the landing on the Moon... in Hollywood.
The moon landing film was a blockbuster hit of 1969, filmed at Hollywood studios, and shown around the world. It starred Charlton Heston as the fictional character Neil Armstrong, with Clint Eastwood playing Buzz Aldrin, and it was directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Before they stepped off the spaceship, they pulled their pants down in the direction of the camera, thus giving the moon its name. There were several sequels, though they were never as good as the original. They mostly had a lot of golf advertising and denigrated into a sport film with cameo appearances by Tiger Woods and other PGA tour professionals, so they did not match the popularity of the originals. Also the later films were rank with placed advertisements by cheese companys who wanted to cash in on the moons massive source of cheese.
Early American capsules traditionally landed in the ocean instead of on the ground. Some historians conclude Werner Von Braun really believed it would be better to land in the middle of the Pacific. Others suggest that American pilots simply couldn't steer something that didn't look like a plane. Thus NASA designed the expensive but plane-like shuttle, which American pilots can land on the ground as long as it doesn't explode or burn up first.
The first American space shuttle was rather primitive, being developed at a trailer park just outside of Houston.
Enterprise[edit]
The most famous American astronaut from the 1960s was Captain James Tea Kirk, who led the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise, on a mission to boldly go where no man had gone before (to explore the dark side of Uranus). Because this was during the Cold War his crew had been infiltrated by a Russian spy, Chesskov, but that didn't matter because he wasn't very important. The Americans also brought along some of their allies on the ship, including Japanese astronaut Mr. Sulu, and Scottish astronaut, Mr. Scottish, who is notable for bringing the first bagpipes in space, and also eating the first hagis. On board the ship was the first black woman in space, Uhururururu.
Elements[edit]
A notable discovery by American scientist Bruce Willis is that space crafts require a fifth element to run properly, - a beautiful girl. Thus, in addition to the four traditional elements of fire, water, air and earth which space ships had previously been made from, the new element of beautiful girls were added to ships, and it was found that space ship crews were much more productive because of it.
Stargate[edit]
The stargate was a very clever system of instantaneous travel of space flight designed by Professor MacGyver, who one night found himself locked in a broomcloset filled with only turpentine, several tins of housepaint, a couple rat-traps and a dustpan, and overnight was able to invent a new system for instantaneous travel between planets.
Aliens[edit]
Space travel for people such as NASA astronaut Sigourney Weaver is relatively safe and comfortable, with hybernation between travel over long distances, and except for the occasional minor attack by parasitic aliens with acid for blood, is quite pleasant and enjoyable.
There has been plenty of contact between space ships of earth and other planets, for instance on July 4th, 1997, a massive space fleet was defeated from blowing up the earth single handedly by NASA astronaut Will Smith. Most of the alien landings in the United States are documented by the FBI program The X-Files, and the earth is protected by men wearing black suits known as the Men in black division of the FBI. (Formal black dinner suits being a particularly unattractive style of clothing to alien lifeforms)
Millenium Falcon[edit]
In 2000, professor Hand Solo discovered that birds could fly in space, specifically the Greater Kestrel falcon, (Falco rupicoloides) Hand solo became the first pilot to successfully fly one of these birds in space, and the bird became known as the Millenium Falcon. Although the bird had originally belonged to Land-O calrisien, hand solo won it in a single hand of strip poker.
Other[edit]
Other Americans to have traveled in space include:
- Californian governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was on a mission to Mars to prove that he was actually not really himself; the real Arnie lives happily on Mars and used a technique called total recall to make the governor think he was actually himself.
- Friends star Joey who got lost on the set of Friends and found his way deep into outer space, where he got lost again.
- Tom Hanks led the Apollo 13 mission, which departed on the 13th second of the 13th minute of the 13th hour of the 13th day of the week, of the 13th month, of the 13th year, of the 13th century of the 13th millenium. It explored the 13th moon of the 13th planet in the solar system. There were 13 astronauts aboard. Before getting on board, the astronauts broke 13 mirrors while walking underneath a series of 13 ladders at the boarding ceremony, followed by a parade of 13 black cats which walked in front of them. The mission was ultimately extremely lucky and nothing went wrong at all.
- Starship Trooper Denise Richards traveled into space in order to spray some Mortein insect spray on some bugs that were living there
- NASA's Voyager program successfully took close-up photos of your anus, and published them for the whole world to see.
- Another method of space travel was developed by the astronaut Dark Helmet using his giant spaceballs. He also established the first Pizza the Hut store at the planet Tatoo-me
- NASA scientist Jodie Foster broadcast a message into space, of Hitler giving one of his speeches. The aliens sent back plans which enabled her to travel instantly through a ship which let her go into space for several years, while only a few earth seconds had passed. This is similar to the English device called the wardrobe, invented in Narnia by CS Lewis. In actual fact the aliens sent the wrong plans to Earth, after seeing the Hitler message they tried to send the plans for Earth to build a bomb that would blow itself up, but the plans got mixed up due to a bureaucratic error in administration. The alien officer in charge received a two weeks paid vacation due to this error.
- Ronald Reagan, who decided to watch the entire star wars trilogy special edition dvds in space to show off American knowhow and technological prowess. This was known as the Special Defense Initiative (SDI). The Russians lacked the technology and high quality actors to make their own Star Wars movies, although they tried unsuccessfully with Boris Barishnikov Strikes Back, and the Return of the Yeltsin, both performed very badly at the box office. Thus Reagan had single handedly ended the Cold War.
- Several probes have landed on or passed close by other planets, most sent either by Russia or the United States. Half of the US missions to Mars have failed, due to NASA's difficulty in making non-plane-shaped spacecraft land on the ground.
French space program[edit]
The first French space scientist was Jules Verne, who used a 19th century hand gun to propel several Confederate soldiers into space near the end of the Civil War. Unfortunately he fired them straight into the moon.
The French space program today is led by Captain Jean Lous Pick-hard, who due to a NATO exchange program, was allowed to pilot the American aircraft carrier, USS Enterprise (and earned the ship USS Voyager, with captain Geneviève Bujold). The Americans quickly regreted the decision to allow the French on board, for it made the french able to claim they were a serious space traveling nation. French space ships are stocked with plenty of wine and croissants, and generally the crew are pretty drunk so they're mostly pretty harmless and will surrender pretty quickly if you're ever in a space battle with them.
Other countries[edit]
- A way of traveling through space was developed by the people living in the dunes of arabia. This involves heavy use of a drug called Spice, though most of them are too doped out to remember anything or explain exactly where they went. Several other arab countries are currently conducting research into the spaceflight properties of camels, and it is said that a prototype Camel Shuttle may be completed soon.
- The Australian space program is an effort to put the first beer can into orbit. Australian scientists have been experimenting for years by strapping beer cans to boomerangs and throwing them into the upper atmosphere. Although usually the boomerang returns and hits the scientist in the head, knocking him unconscious.
- The New Zealanders effort to put sheep in space has failed dismally.
- The Japanese space effort is called the Astroboy program, which involves sending a humanoid robot called Astroboy into space, which has rockets for legs and shoots lasers out its ass.
- The Chinese have successfully sent a man into orbit, by strapping him inside a huge firecracker, launched from a dragon shaped kite. Unfortunately he exploded when the firecracker did, but he did make it to space for a short period of time.
- The Swiss (in conjunction with the United States) sent a crew into outer space on board the toblerONE in 2005. The crew accomplished none of its objectives, but did manage to travel backwards through time.
- North Korea recently launched an advanced satellite into space. Western propaganda refused to report the glorious achievement, falsely claiming the rocket crashed into the Sea of Japan.
Mars the planet with a rash[edit]
After a revolution on Mars and the founding of the People's Undemocratic Republic of Mars, rebels led by Marvin the Martian retreated to the moon of Deimos and founded the Nationalist Republic of Mars. Deimos is the only Martian government recognised by most western countries. This is especially after the attack by Mars on Earth, which was only saved because of President Jack Nicholson and popular singer Tom Jones, whose music was critical to the saving of the planet. The People's Undemocratic Republic of Mars is often referred to as 'Red Mars', or simply the 'Red Planet.'
The Future of Space Travel[edit]
In 30000 A.C. mankind will efectivelly send Oprah to deep space and free the world from evil. Communists will finally have small houses piled up in the red landscapes of Mars, where they wont bother anyone anymore. And George W. Bush will come out of his cryogenic sleep to free mankind from the weapons of mass destruction from peaceful alien species.