Mattress
| Mattress | |
|---|---|
 A live mattress in its natural habitat on Squornshellous Zeta. | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Carnivora |
| Family | Reproba |
| Genus | Cubile |
| Species | Lectus |
| Binomial Name | Cubile Lectus |
| Weight | 20-35 Lbs |
| Height | 10-32 In. |
| Length | 5-8 Ft. |
| Special Attack | The ability to willomy. |
| Conservation Status | LC |
“Mattresses are incredibly docile creatures whose corpses make great places to lie down and catch some Z's”
The Mattress (Cubile lectus) is one of the three large bed-like creatures in the genus Cubile, and is a member of the family Reproba. Mattresses are incredibly useful creatures. They have evolved over the course of millions of years to become a remarkable example of how useful life can be once it has been thoroughly killed. Mattresses are native to the various swamps found on the planet Squornshellous Zeta. Mattresses can be considered a relatively intelligent form of life in that they are self-aware, can communicate, and have developed a primitive culture.
Mattresses can live in the wild for anywhere up to 70 Squornshellous Zeta-years (roughly 3 Earth years), and up to 75 in captivity. Male mattresses often exhibit tendencies to be overly protective of their territory and harem of female mattresses. Male mattresses will aggressively willomy at one another until one abdicates and globbers away in defeat. Mattresses are often recognizable for their rectangular prism-like shape and patterned skin. Various subspecies exhibit different shades and textures of skin. Mattresses are most known for being a highly traded and valued intergalactic commodity. The dried carcasses of mattresses are used by a variety of species across the universe as a sleeping surface. Mattresses rarely return to life once they are killed.
Etymology[edit]
The word mattress is a Galactic Basic word derived from the local Squornshellous word "Martessel" which means "I saw a giant rectangle, and it lurgled at me." The scientific name Cubile lectus is derived from the same language, meaning "Sleeping-mat Bed." The word mattress itself has been in widespread use ever since the product Mattress™ appeared on the market, this product of course being the freeze-dried corpse of the Martessel the local Squornshellous are so fond of ignoring.
Taxonomy and Evolution[edit]
Etymologists love spending loads of time on Squornshellous Zeta studying the docile mattress in its natural habitat, the Great Swamp of Squornshellous Zeta. These scientists have been able to determine that mattresses have been in existence for almost nearly as long as the planet of Squornshellous Zeta itself, which is roughly 796 Billion Gallactic Years (GY), or roughly 6 Billion Earth years. There is also fossil evidence indicating that the mattresses may have been genetically engineered by some other species for the specific purpose of killing them and using their lifeless cadavers for sleeping mats.
Subspecies[edit]
There are many different variations of mattress that roam the wilderness of Squornshellous Zeta. Some are larger than others, some have different skin, and some have different color patterns. Among some of the better known subspecies of mattress are the Tempur-Pedic Mattress (Cubile lectus fervidus), the elusive Water Mattress (Cubile lectus stillicidium), and the Southern Inflated Mattress {Cubile lectus aeris). The Northern Inflated Mattress has been hunted into extinction by curious etymologists, a fact that rubs the companies that produce mattresses quite the wrong way. They demanded an apology once. They didn't get it. There are also legends of an enormous Alpha Mattress that roams the planet devouring helpless throw pillows and other small helpless creatures. These claims are unsubstantiated nonsense, but nevertheless there are some that believe it exists. The most common subspecies of mattress are of course the Common Swamp Spring Mattress (Cubile lectus natus). This mattress is the one most people know and love; it has a rough and textured skin, a hard interior skeleton resembling coiled springs, and a lovable pair of googly eyes. This subspecies comes in hundreds of varieties of both size, color, and firmness. Their carcasses are the most widely traded of mattress species across the galaxy and have served as the backbone of the economy of Squornshellous Zeta.
Hybrids[edit]
There are unfortunate circumstances in which a mattress will mate with a throw pillow or other such creature and produce an infertile offspring of hideous and useless proportions. The most common hybrid mattress is the mattrow. The mattrow was first discovered when Thrilliuminian Mattress Hunters stumbled upon one eating itself alive inside a dense swamp cave. The party of hunters was so terrified that they immediately pushed their leader into the cave with the mattrow in order to appease it as they fled to safety. The mattrow did not know what to do with this poor, frightened Thrilliuminian (as the mattrow has an even lower level of intelligence than a regular mattress). The mattrow simply decided to eat him. The mattrow is so hideously disfigured and lumpy that it is incapable of becoming a good Mattress™ upon death, and therefore it is avoided and left to its own devices. This means that mattrows often end up accidentally killing or eating themselves.
In addition to the well-known and feared mattrow there are the hybrid species of mattket and mattré-quilt. These equally deformed and stupid subspecies enjoy a life of infertility and ignorant bliss. Amazingly since they are of no use to the producers of Mattresses™, they are perfect examples of how the theory of Evolution fails. These subspecies are often cited by God as proof that science is wrong about most things. Science often counters that God is responsible for the existence of these deformed creatures, and God simply pouts in the corner denying this.
Biology and Behavior[edit]
Mattresses spend much of their time resting and are inactive for about 2/3rds of every Squornshellous Zeta day. Although mattresses can be active at any time, their activity generally peaks after dusk with a period of socializing, grooming, and defecating. Intermittent bursts of activity follow through the night hours until dawn, when hunting most often takes place. They spend an average of two hours a day flolloping and 50 minutes eating. Other activities include wurfing, volluing, lurgling, vooning, and listening to classical jazz music at an extremely low volume.
Hunting and Diet[edit]
Mattresses are carnivorous animals that feast upon the flesh of lesser swamp creatures, such as ottoman feet-stools, small armchairs, and futons. They are known for their cunning ability to flollop along and suddenly snatch up an unsuspecting meal. Despite living in close social groups, mattresses tend to hunt alone. They will occasionally share food though when it best suits their interests. Mattresses are incapable of eating anything other than meat. A mattress needs to consume roughly 3 kilotons of meat every year, or roughly 1/3rd of the annual intake of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
Reproductive Life Cycle[edit]
Mattresses have an incredibly hard time having sex. This is because as far as anyone can tell, mattresses do not posses reproductive organs. Still though, they are not asexual reproducers, and you can frequently see mattresses mating in the swamps if you take the time to notice. The reason we know that mattresses are not asexual reproducers is that often a pair of mattresses, lets say a blue and a yellow one, often have offspring that are an incredibly ugly off-color of green. This is useful to the offspring in that the various producers of Mattresses™ know that off-color green Mattresses™ do not sell very well, so they leave these hideous ones alone. Sadly for the species, these ugly mattresses appear to be sterile so they cannot reproduce and pass on their good fortune. Luckily none of the mattresses seem to care.
Culture[edit]
Mattresses are in the literal sense an intelligent form of life in that they can communicate with one another and have created a culture. They do not however posses incredible mental faculties in that they are quite content with living out a simple existence of volluing and lurgling in the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta and being slaughtered to provide the galaxy's citizens with semi-comfortable sleeping surfaces. Indeed the mattresses seem to not care much, they often tell the etymologists who come across them that they are aware of their eventual fate and that they consider their time on Squornshellous Zeta to have been pleasant enough thus far to be satisfied with whatever end they may meet. This end of course is usually being rounded up, exterminated, freeze-dried, and stretched into the product we are all familiar with.
Mattresses curiously enough speak Galactic Basic to one another. They report that they picked it up from a software known as Rosetta Stone as their original language was just stupid and unintelligible gurgling and bubbling sounds. Mattresses also refer to one another as Zem. This somehow does not seem to confuse them, although it does seem to baffle most mattress hunters when one mattress will call out to another, "Hey Zem, please tell Zem and Zem that I won't be home for dinner as I will sadly be killed in a few moments," to which his companion would reply, "Of course Zem! I would be happy to tell Zem that!" to which the original would say, "And don't forget Zem!"
Defense mechanism[edit]
Mattresses might seem like docile creatures, but they are in fact the most deadly animal in the universe. If you rip a tag off a mattress, it will instantly convert all its mass into energy, releasing eleven times as much energy as the most powerful bomb ever, the Tsar Bomba. You will be instantly vaporized, along with everything within a radius of 50 miles. Even worse, one mattress exploding will set of all other mattresses that it affects, which will set off a chain reaction destroying the world. Mattresses can do this at will, and you never know when they will snap and kill you and everyone on Earth.
Commercial Uses[edit]
As you may be aware, the mattress is most known for its practical everyday use across the galaxy as a sleep surface. Very few individuals are aware that Mattresses™ however were once living beings. Well a select few are very aware of this fact, but they are usually the ones who have been rudely awakened in the night by their newly reanimated mattress. The mattress usually would then try and befriend the person, much to their outrage and dismay. Needless to say, this happens very rarely so consumers should not be afraid.
Process of Producing a Mattress™[edit]
Mattresses must first be caught. In order for this to happen they must be found. Then they have to be made thoroughly dead. This is a process that requires a certain professional known as a mattress hunter. When describing a mattress hunter, it is entirely impossible not to conjure up images that many Americans on the planet Earth may have of cowboys in a Spaghetti Western. The typical mattress hunter is not well educated, is armed to the teeth, and likes to wear large hats made of straw. Mattress hunters will corner an unsuspecting mattress by vooning in the particular manner that most mattresses voon from a concealed position. The excited mattress will then make its way toward the hunter who will then jump out of his spot and shout, "Surprise!" Interestingly enough, the word "surprise" is a mattress' one true biological weakness. The sound frequencies made by the word "surprise" vibrating within the atmosphere of Squornshellous Zeta that enter the ear canal of the poor mattress will create electrical signals at just the right amplitude to make its brain literally turn to mush. This is great for the mattress hunters. It is not so great for the mattresses.
The carcasses of recently hunted mattresses are transported to a facility on the northern side of the planet where they are freeze-dried and prepared for shipping to the great mattress factories of Betelgeuse IV. Once they arrive at the factories, they are laid out to dry in giant heating facilities. After being dried out, they are pressed and stretched until they are all a uniform size within a special product class, which is interestingly enough measured in units of royalty. At this point they are packaged and shipped throughout the universe.
Companies that Produce Mattresses™[edit]
There are many companies over the centuries that have attempted to make use of the mattress population of Squornshellous Zeta. The most notable companies are:
- The Ursa Major Mattress™ Company is the largest producer of legitimate mattresses in the galaxy.
- The Frogstar A Corporation for Everyday Products is most known for producing Frogstar A Fighters. Little do most consumers know that they also run one of the largest illegal mattress smuggling operations in the galaxy. They are also said to be experimenting on mattresses to make them more suitable for Vogon use.
- Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation which is famous for bringing forth the Shoe Event Horizon on the planet Brontitall, this company also has a small side project that produces mattresses. They are currently trying to figure out how to best make mattresses a commodity that people believe they must endlessly consume. They are hopping to avoid causing a Mattress Event Horizon this time around.
See Also[edit]
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