Houston
“I like to show off mi novio on Snapchat”
“ And I thought Dallas was bad.”
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Houston was a city on the Gulf of Mexico, once floating above sea level about 13.37 miles off the coast of Texas. Founded in 1836 by Mexican lesbians wearing braces and hastily sold to US pop star Uber-Loki (who subsequently rented it to Whitney Houston), it was the largest city in Texas until the destruction of New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago in 2007, when it became the largest city in North America.
With a population of over four million; principal industries include oil refining, electronics and the processing of millions of Hurricane Katrina refugees from Jamaica, and Arabia on their way to New New Orleans, Arizona. Houston is also the home of NASA mission control; the last message received from the former city was a distress call addressed to the crew of Apollo 13: "This is Houston. We have a problem".
The city of Houston was expected to be destroyed by Hurricane Rita, a category three hurricane which made landfall on September 24, 2005 to wipe out a Texas-sized chunk of the US along with what little was left of St. Louisiana. Millions evacuated before landfall in a massive Texas-size traffic jam, using up all of the State of Texaco's vast oil reserves and creating a widescale energy crisis from which the US has yet to recover. None have returned, some are rumored to having sex with Natalee Holloway who she has never returned.
Houston will work for food.
It's a common misconception that Houstonians ride horses everywhere. The truth is that in Soviet Russia, horse rides YOU!! Ha, bet you thought that would actually be a joke eh?
History[edit]
Pre-Swayze[edit]
The city of Houston was founded in 1836 by statesman, president, and Taiwanese badminton champion Sam Houston and his two mustachioed cronies the Allen Bros. who were often seen fighting sewer-based crime in overalls and hats with their initials embroidered on them. Originally called, New Badasse, after Sam Houston's ancestral home Badarse in Westchesterfordshire, England, the name was changed to Houston in 1864 to reflect the unimaginative nature of its citizens who would eventually come to name an NFL franchise after its geographical location.
In 1901, Rev. Richard Johnson, an enthusiastic megachurch evangelist and avid cactus gardener, affectionately known as Dick "Cactus" Johnson found oil in the gift shop of The Church of the Thorned Crown, his 46-acre megachurch and cactus sanctuary. This marked a new era of prosperity and stereotyping for the city, which as everyone knew had no use for oil until 1984 when the automobile replaced horses as its main form of transportation. Nevertheless the discovery prompted the proposition of a shipping canal in 1902, due in part to Teddy Roosevelt's fear of the political backlash he would receive for reneging on his campaign promises of "more canals, no matter the human cost". Even though the prospect for financial gain was high due to the increased volumes of petroleum that could be exported from such a canal, many Houstonians resisted its construction as they feared too many Irishmen would be killed in its construction and not nearly enough Mexicans. These fears were put to rest however when, in 1904, Teddy Roosevelt delivered his famous "Wet Backs for Wetbacks" address in which he assured the public that "under my watch, there will be more drowning and accident related deaths for taco jockeys, bean bandits, and fence fairies than for any other hated minority except maybe for blacks if we can get some."
By the 1950s the M.D. Anderson Foundation organized one of the first cancer research facilities in Houston's Texas Medical Center. But there's nothing funny about cancer.
The Original Houston[edit]
543 thousand years ago, The town of Houston in Renfrewshire, Scotland, which many consider to be the original Houston, despite what overfed Texans will tell you, was founded by Hugh Voloneksi, a plasterer from Warsaw. Houston was a completely different place back then from what it is now, for example, records show that Houston's population 500,000 years ago was around 124, compared to 1998 when the town's population had risen dramatically to 151. In 2010 the population had been recorded as 2 billion people, 200 of which were born in Britain. According to the 'Tories Don't Care About Scotland Act 1979' no more information can be disclosed about Houston. Actually that's a lie, i've just run out of jokes.
Swayze Contemporary[edit]
From 1952 onwards Houston has witnessed unprecedented civic growth in all areas, attributable to the birth of moviefilm megastar Patrick Swayze, from such films as Dirty Dancing, Road House, Lord of the Rings 3, Rush Hour 2, Pan's Labyrinth, Being John Malkovich, and Finding Nemo. One of Houston's rare Non-Mexican Catholics (Los Blancos de las Resurrección) Patrick Swayze spent most of his childhood doing sit ups allowing him to perform great feats of strength such as lifting Jennifer Grey over his head and chucking her at invading Russians. He is perhaps best known in the academic community as the founder of NASA which remains based in Houston to this day at Swayze's bequest. Swayze commonly states that the idea for NASA came from an episode of The A-Team he saw one time, though David Hasselhoff argues that it was probably Knight Rider.
With the space industry in place, Houston was ready to play host to an innumerable number of space-themed sports teams, including the Astros, Rockets, Comets, Dynamo?, Aeros, and the We Ran Out of Space Names So We'll Just Use Oils, which was shortened to the Oilers in 1981 so that Earl Campbell would stop bitching about it. Over the years these teams have proved very successful, even matching Rice University's athletics record. The Houston Texans in particular draw a striking resemblance to Rice's own football team. Merely in terms of championships, one could compare Rice's baseball program with the combined efforts of the Rockets and the Comets multiplied by two. Even the Houston Texans have been good, recording there first season with more than three wins! Especially after the new savior, Andre Johnson has become the teams version of Black Jesus. He is now worshiped throughout Houston.
Demographics[edit]
Houston's population is about 90% Mexican, 50% White or Reptillian Greys, 50% African-American, the Annunaki, 23% No Orleanianistites, and 50% Asian/Pacific Islander/Fuckin' crazysmartians. Among the white population, 91% are wealthy, superchristian Republican suburbanites/Reptillian Greys, while the rest is made up of half yuppie redneck Republicans who reside inside the loop and white trashy McTrashersons who live in the outlying areas. Also Patrick Swayze. While inside the city of Houston is filled with gangstas and thugs who drink codeine syrup to their enjoyment and gays and lesbians who were too poor to afford to live in San Francisco, and liberal art loving hippies who them too couldn't afford living in the SF.
Weather[edit]
Temperature[edit]
The temperature in Houston varies greatly, ranging from a pleasant 100°+ (Fahrenheit or Celsius… first one, then the other) in July to a frigid 90° (Celsius or Fahrenheit… also in progression) in December. The annual cycle of seasonal changes is generally;
- February – hot (misery index of just under 100%)
- March through October – stinking hot. (Misery index of just over 14 million%)
- November – hot (misery index of just under 100%)
- December through January –less hot, but still shity.
Houston also has the reputation of being one of the fattest cities in America, if not the entire world, because of its spread-out geography, unbearable climate, and having the highest number of drive-thru Starbucks per square mile in the nation. The excess fat per capita raises the temperature 10-14 F° (sometimes C°) as heat circulates between people's onion-like layers of fat. Also It gets hot when you are in bed and feel something under your ass.
Humidity[edit]
Houston is the nation's second most-humid city at 99% humidity, coming in behind New Orleans at 100%. The weather in Houston is considered inconsequential, as most Houstonians spend an average of 1.3 minutes per day outside.
Air Conditioning[edit]
The high temperatures and extraordinary humidity level has pushed Houston to air condition more cubic space than any city on the globe. The combined use of electricity required to air condition all homes, places of business, government facilities, and commercial venues is roughly equal to the amount of electricity used to air condition Al Gore’s environmentally friendly mansion for an entire hour.
Culture & Recreation[edit]
Due to summer temperatures which reach up to 3,000 degrees, recreation in Houston composes of indoor activities such as NASA, museums, IHOP, and watching people melt in the heat. One attraction of note is the Galleria, which is composed of 3,238,781 stores, all of which are far too expensive for the average American. Expect to be stared down by the clerks at Neiman-Marcus and other luxury stores if your outfit is valued at less than $12,000.
To make things a little cheaper and convenient, if you don't want to spend $100 bucks to buy an Abercrombie & Fitch jacket at the Galleria you can get the same item only way cheaper ... let's say $33 bucks or less, and authentic at the 59 Flea Market. To the Latino community better known as "La Pulga de la 59" located at U.S. Highway 59 South and Westpark. Just make sure you park your car at a secure parking spot because once you get off be on the lookout for those petty little gangster-thugs and thieves that are pretty much trying to steal your car or maybe just trashing it.
Food is a large part of Houstonian culture, as the average person weighs 625 pounds. One may also wish to visit one of the 212 Chinatowns and Little Saigons in the area, be hit on at the gay clubs in the Montrose and speaking of Montrose there's a lot of "Anti-Social" Indie kids and Hipsters that are just full of shit, they'd be shot atGunspoint Mall in the northwest side of town by now.
Education[edit]
There are more than 155 colleges and universities in Houston (if you count the array of internet-based institutions, McDonald’s “Hamburger University”, and the like). But they are mostly so crappy that no Houston school of higher education even places among the 300 best schools in the world.
Rice University - One of the nation’s premiere football powerhouses and traditional women’s weightlifting frontrunner.
University of Houston - Is home to more student parking spaces than all other Texas universities combined. The Cougars football team or just known as "cougs" are stuck for eternity on the NCAA division 1A.
South Texas College of Law - Meets the growing demand for litigationbots in the court systems of Texas.
University of Houston-Downtown - Is just an old run-down warehouse that serves violent inner-city minorities most of them illegals and future terrorists. Tuition there is so exepensive. The professors there are low quality that lectures come in through one ear and out the other.
University of St. Thomas - Is known for meeting in facilities fashioned from converted dumpsters and waste containers. The campus has won numerous awards for creative architecture.
Houston Baptist University - Located in the violent southwest part of the H-town, the administration there recently allowed a Jewish student to apply for admission ...Yay !!!. This marks a turning point in the school’s traditionally homogenous white trash student body.
Texas Southern University - Likewise, is a historically black university and just recently was forced to admit white trailer trash kids from the suburbs.
Houston Community College System (HCCS) - Grants diplomas in macramé, plaster of paris, papier-mâché, sketching, finger painting, floral arrangement, and auto body repair.
The Houston Independent School District (HISD) is the largest in the United States, except for six others that are way bigger. Students are no longer required to meet proficiency exams and are graded according to a complex system of measuring the good vibes they produce. Spelling, and trival things such as punctuation, were deemed archaic and unnecessary and abolished. The influx of illiterate storm rats and transients among the Hurricane diaspora of New Orleans has actually pushed up the results of district wide good vibe exams. Things are, as they say, peachy.
Despite the quality of HISD schools, or perhaps because of it, private schools are also thriving in Houston. The last count in spring of 2008 revealed that there were over 2,437,821 private or parochial schools of varying denominations within the Houston city limits. Denominations represented included Baptist, Episcopalian, Trailer-trash Pentecostal, Presbyterian, Jewish, Greek Orthodox, Wiccan, Catholic, Mexican Catholic,and Orthodox Pagan. 96% of private school expenditures are concentrated in one school, St. John's, in the River Oaks area of Houston. DNA tests to ensure that no person of any color or socioeconomic level lower than Forbes' top 100 are in the candidate's ancestry are required for admission. However, these tests do not seem to be working due to the large number of people of Indian/Asian descent. There are, of course, a few token Blacks to make the school "diverse." Continuing these efforts, St. John's changed their mascot from the "Rebels" to the "Mavericks" in order to appear to be sensitive to racial issues. St. John's was formerly parochial, but was disavowed by the Episcopal Church when the school board requested that God start worshiping them. Other well-known private and parochial schools include St. Thomas' Catholic, St. Thomas' Episcopal, St. Thomas' Other Catholic, St. Thomas More, St. Thomas Weinstein, and Santo Tomas. One cannot forget about Episcopal High School, which holds the world record for most dollar per IQ point of any school in the Nation, along with some of the best cocaine in the city. There are persistent rumors of a large Baptist school in the Memorial area of Houston, Second Baptist Church and School, reputedly built upon the smoldering embers and charred bodies of First Baptist Church parishioners, only the latest victims of the ongoing sectarian violence between the First and Second branches of the Baptist church. Closer observation, however, reveals that this building is merely a parking garage, and a fairly ugly one at that. Strake Jesuit and its sister school, St. Agnes, are reputed to be on the cutting edge of education, using the new method of "reduccions" to "bend" the "student body" to their will and make a little money on the side with cash crops such as tobacco, sugar cane and cacao. Annunciation Orthodox caters to the large Greek community in Houston and its highly competitive souvlaki grill team has taken the state championship five times. St. Thomas' Episcopal in southwest Houston is famous (or notorious) for its world-championship bagpipe band. What they have yet to explain is why anyone in Texas would put on thick woolen clothing and blow into an animal skin until unconsciouness results.
Houston now boasts over a dozen premier boarding schools catering to the children of Mexico's burgeoning grunge polka movement. Each location maintains its own 44 thousand bed dormitory and all are at full capacity with the children of a single couple from Monterey, Juan and Maria Queso. The dormitories are equipped with massive water cannons to aid in the containment of the scheduled riots held hourly in memorial of the legendary fart that the horde's father, Juan, emitted to conclude his concert atop the Mayan pyramid at Chichen Itza in August of 2008. While local Republicans have responded to the pungent aroma of the aforementioned riots with massive interpretive dance sequences copied, some say plagiarized, from episodes of Soul Train, spokesmen from the schools have assured concerned parties that there,"ain't no thing but a chicken wing", referencing an observation Jeffery Dahmer mumbled after bouncers kicked him out of Houston's only five star restaurant, FitzGerald's.
The population of Houston was recently given credit for giving the rest of America the I Cayunt Spayul Dizeez.
Transportation[edit]
Surface[edit]
Since the arrival of the first humans in what is now Houston, it has been customary for nobody to walk. Ever. This manifested itself in the earliest inhabitants domesticating small dinosaurs and using them as draught animals. After the Conquistadors let a few horses go, they bred and multiplied and went forth, and then the local people had the option of dinosaur carts or horseback… but they didn’t walk. Ever.
A number of other animals were used for transportation in the area that is now Houston. Goat carts were popular in the 1830s. Skunk buggies dominated the roadways for a brief period in the 1890s, and for a two-year span at the turn of the 20th century dinosaur carts made a startling albeit brief comeback.
Like many American cities, at one time Houston boasted an extensive streetcar and commuter rail network that was efficient, cost effective, and convenient. However, since Houstonians don’t walk…Ever… getting potential passengers from their front door to the streetcar or rail station proved to be impossible. The Harrisburg & Galveston Electric Streetcar Company went so far as to tie silver dollars to the railings of cars on the most popular routes, yet Houstonians refused to use the system if they were required to actually walk to catch the streetcar. With the advent of the combustion engine Houston has had a love affair with the automobile that dictates transportation patterns. Houston has more surface area dedicated to private passenger cars than any metropolitan center on the planet. The ratio of car ownership to citizen is 3.46 cars per registered voter within the city limits. Often registered voters drive two cars simultaneously (that means: at the same time)
The enormous number of private vehicles has required Houston to dedicate an inordinate amount of resources to creating and maintaining roads. Houston boasts a freeway system so extensive that if the same amount of cement and asphalt were turned in to a on-lane road – that road would go from Houston to the moon and back eleventy zillion times. (and, as a side note, Houstonians would quickly fill that moon road to capacity and then pass a bond to widen it to 15 lanes in each direction. Construction would take a long ass-time) .
Houston government has sought and acquired federal matching funds for major public transport projects on numerous occasions. Each time, local government officials failed to act and the money was sent back with a “thanks, but no thanks” note. Ultimately, by a fluke in the system, Houston voters approved the constriction of the first leg of a light rail system. Despite the fact that Houston is an effluvial sump and floods at the rate of 10 feet every .3 nanoseconds, it was decided that light rail would be built at grade, thus guaranteeing its eventual failure. This limited rail service commenced in 1999 and within weeks was the deadliest rail system in North America (not just by per capita, by raw number: 142,966 people have been killed by the Houston light rail system in its first six weeks of operation.)Despite all these limitations, the light rail system has proved popular with one demographic - Houston's working girls. As a local wag stated, "The train go from the football stadium to the baseball stadium. Who the only people who do that? Prossatutes, that's who!"
Within the past ten years, the Houston highway system has been rendered functionally obsolete to new drivers. For instance, a driver starting a commute along the wonderful I-10 from Pasadena, Texas (East Houston) to Katy, Texas (West Houston) would have to leave work at 11:15 a.m. fourteen days prior in order to get home in time for dinner. While continuing to act as one of the most functional (and longest-paved) firearm exchanges in the United States today, Houston's highway system is no longer navigable by any motorists, insured or otherwise.
Water[edit]
Despite being a landlocked city, Houston is the nation’s third-most active international port. In the first years of the 20th Century a 50-mile ditch was widened and deepened in to a really wide and really deep 50-mile ditch. Known locally as the Really Deep and Really Wide Fifty Mile Ditch, but shown as “the ship channel” simply to avoid having to type so many letters, it allows seagoing vessels to navigate to within one mile of the city center.
In recent years cruise ship operators have been calling on the exotic port of Houston. This has significantly increased foreign tourists to the Houston area and represents a $7.2 million per year increase for local business. Particularly impacted are Houston neighborhoods Galena Park, Channel View, and the Fifth Ward. Local gangs have noticed the tourist influx and have tentatively begun adding packaged luaus and selling locally-produced spray-painted art to their usual fund-raising activities.
Air[edit]
Houston is home to more than 36 airports of various sizes, however the two most used are the George H.W. “Don’t Confuse Me With My Son” Bush INTERGALACTIC Airport, and William P. “Don’t Confuse Me With His Son Either” Hobby Airport. China Airlines does not currently fly to either airport; therefore the safety record for both is actually pretty good.
Geography[edit]
Before the mandatory shrinking of all major US cities, Houston was the largest city within the state of Texaco, fourth in the United States and the largest (and most imPORTant) economic area of the Gulf Coast region. Because of the smell as a result of the stupid welfare Katrina Refugees & mandatory shrinking of Houston, the now-empty city is known as the Open Sewer City or Shitville Central.
Houston was world renowned for its ability to create green alphabetically ordered lists of eatable items, eatable ordered lists and lists that are able to eat left-overs. Houston was also home to four of the largest Death Stars in existence.
A destroyed ghost town[edit]
Listed on all maps of reasonably good quality, there was also a Houston in Arkansas, which was where the Astrodome was located. Houston, Texas and Houston, Arkansas were, in fact, the same city. They appeared in two different states as a result of a quantum superposition that was mostly likely related to the quantum economics popular with local leadership since the early 80s.
This quantum state abruptly collapsed as a result of Rita's applied force, causing a Houston-antiHouston collision which imploded and destroyed both instances of the city. The area once know as Houston is now called Housdone.
Despite the massive release of energy in this collision, there still is no fuel to be had for those who left the former city so no population is likely to return to the stricken region anytime soon.
Rita, meanwhile, was unwilling to comment further on this turn of events after a violent burst of outrage in which she admitted that her intended target was not the cow town of Houston but singer Whitney Houston (for whom the village was named). "The bitch insulted my shoes," Rita was heard to exclaim to astonished onlookers. "America will pay for this."
In 2005, in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Houston had become the first city in Texas to allow African-Americans to temporarily reside within city limits. And now we know why...
- Why does it hurt so bad?
- Why do I feel so sad?
- Why must Rita be so bad?
- She must be on the rag.
- thank you Texas! - Whitney Houston
Suburbs[edit]
- 5th Ward: Kind of like the 9th ward in New Orleans. Just in Texas and it still exists after our hurricane
- Alvin: Lots of chipmunks. Black and brown chipmunks.
- Alief: South West Alief Trash or "S.W.A.T." or whatever they name their little Boy Scout club, considered one of the most "Dangerous Gangs" ...ooohhh so scared !!! Well, they ain't shit.
- Angleton: The nastiest piece of crap town with a plethora of Mexican restaurants that white people with zero taste will not let go out of business.
- Baytown: Home of the world's second most depressing mall, The San Jacinto. features three different shops that sell bongs. It is surpassed only by Houston's Sharpstown Mall in lack of attractive female patrons, and stabbings.
- Bellaire: No fresh prince, and should be renamed, "Bellasian." Considered the lesser Chinatown of Houston
- Channel View: A small town named cause the only thing it has in it is a view of the polluted nasty ass Houston ship channel.
- Deer Park: White people. I mean, there's a serving station in their high school cafeteria called "Upper Crust" ....
- Friendswood: Don't be fooled - not very friendly. Mexicans are not welcomed (unless they're doing the lawn). Lots of rich white people that start families there and then get divorced. The majority of the kids at the high school are spoiled brats that smoke weed and are white, except for the orange girls (aka creamsicles). Fun Fact: Brooke Shield's husband is from Friendswood. Established by Quakers. Now taken over by sexy Catholics and annoying Methodists. The coolest people in this white hell hole live on Sun Park. Oh, and Muslims also not welcomed.
- Galveston: Almost obliterated by a giant wave. Galveston is not even close to Houston. It's like 1.5 hours away.
- Kingwood: On the Northeast side of Houston, actually pleasant to commute to. Everybody is a rich snob and it feels like you're in a bubble.
- La Marque: A shitty, low-budget, poorly-ran small town that only gives a shit about sports and dosen't give a shit about acdemics! Seriously, the rate for that town should be CLOSE TO FUCKIN' ZERO!
- La Porte: Black people and chemical plants and my mom
- League City: Not 20,000 Leagues under the sea city. It smells really bad and the traffic is horrible.
- Missouri City: Left Missouri cause Missouri sucks
- Pasadena: California Rejects
- Pearland: Has some really nice high schools (not academically, but architectually). The hometown of Fozzie Whitacre (spelling?) They used to have pears orchards here but now it's all strip malls!
- Santa Fe: If you're black, for God's sake, DO NOT TRY AND MOVE HERE! The KKK will kill you and their girls softball team will beat you up. Trailer trash.
- Spring One of the few places where the black and white mix to form a rich and semi-poor communities, train horns can be heard from one's house.
- Sugar Land: The Taekwondo Capital of America since 2008. No sugar since the '80s. It's a nice lil' town.
- Texas City: Another ghetto-ass town that only gives a fuck about sports. Notice how either these towns are either ghetto as hell or affluent as hell.
- The Woodlands: The Diving Capital of Texas. It's like Friendswood but their schools actually HAVE money. So it's worse.
- West University Place: Smart AND Dumb asses
- South Park: A neighborhood full of crime and ghetto people
- 3rd Ward: A neighborhood that has somewhat ghetto people but has way lower crime than South Park
- Cypress: Rich white kids who try to be ghetto.
- Katy: Same shit with those Katy redneck faggots that try to act ghetto by riding dirty in their farming tractors.
- Jersey Village: No jerseys over there, just nothing but racist white police coppers who are just waiting to beat and clop the living shit out of poor minorities (Niggas, Wetbacks, Gays, Chinks etc. etc.) Yep, It's all about that "WHITE POWER !!!".