Confetti
“It's everywhere! It's GODDAMN EVERYWHERE! Ack!!!”
“Jesus, what a tool. It's just confet...OH MY GOD!”
Confetti is a high-tech weapon that uses small slices of paper that can enter your lungs and asphyxiate you. The use of confetti is considered a war crime by the UN, the CIA, the FBI, the Department of Defense, and various other organizations. It is not, as is popularly believed, a party item. Do not, under any circumstances, use confetti at home, at school, at work, in public, at a concert, in a church, in a McDonald's, in a factory, with a fox, in a box, in a house, with a mouse, and so on.
Origins and History[edit]
Confetti was first idealized in 1981 by This Guy. He, along with That Gay, who is the reason why confetti is so colorful, were the ones that determined the equation necessary for making confetti.
The work of these two men would have been all for naught had Stephen Hawking not flown down on his magical wheelchair to approve of the equation. When he saw it he said, "Awesome, dawgs, this shit is going to be tizz-ight." He then immediately flew back to the home base.
A month after that, the two men decided to open their own weapons manufacturing factory. Not long after this, government orders came in for "One. Billion. Pounds (Of Confetti)." The money started flowing in. However, the relationship between the two partners began to get very strained, with That Gay leaving for San Francisco. With That Gay gone, This Guy attempted to carry on their work, but failed miserably. He is currently an alcoholic that lives in Sweden. The work on the Confetti Project continued under government supervision after that.
In 1999, This Guy's dream was finally realized. On New Year's Eve, the first confetti attack took place. Since that horrible attack, 12,301,812.7 people have died in confetti-related incidents.
Confetti Proliferation[edit]
“No confetti is good confetti!”
Since the introduction of confetti in 1999, 4 nations have acquired confetti technology: The United States, Britain, China, and the Soviet Union (Wait, it's still the Soviet Union, right?). Iran has been persuing confetti technology, but they say they are planning to use it for peaceful purposes. 6 other nations are doing research on confetti technology as well: France, North Korea, Israel, India, Pakistan, and Mongolia. Numerous groups including the People against Confetti Technology say that at the current rate of confetti proliferation, the world will be eaten by grues in 2029.
Anti-Confetti Movement[edit]
Since that dreadful attack in 1999, the anti-confetti movement has gained steam. The leader of the movement, the People Against Confetti Technology (PACT), is over 9000 members strong. The head of the group, the lone survivor of the 1999 attack, is I.P. Freely. I.P. Freely said that, when he was attacked by confetti, he felt like his "head was going to explode from laughter". He further states that after the laughter, he felt like he was "drifting away." He says no one should experience a confetti attack, ever.
Critics say though that the symptoms I.P. Freely felt were from his enormous use of marijuana, a.k.a. pot, reefer, weed, mary j, wacky tobacky, the Lord's Lettuce. I.P. Freely has not commented on these accusations, most likely because he's too busy smoking pot with your mom, the f-ing stoner.
Effects of confetti attack[edit]
- Immediately after attack: Skin is covered in confetti strands, the carriers of the confetti chemical.
- 10 seconds after attack: Giddiness and silliness begin to take hold, snickers can be heard.
- 30 seconds after attack: Loud laughs can be heard, everyone who has been hit shows noticable signs of silliness.
- 1 minute after attack: Breathing begins to be a struggle. Coughs can be heard.
- 5 minutes after attack: It is impossible to breath.
- 5 minutes and 10 seconds to 5 minutes and 30 seconds: Knock out.
- 6 minutes: Death.
Precautions against confetti attack[edit]
- Avoid large gatherings of people (Crowds of over 9,000).
- Do not celebrate holidays.
- Stay in your parents' basement, alone, in the dark.
- Edit Uncyclopedia using conspiracy theories.
- Huff kittens: They are an excellent defense against confetti.
- Buy my anti-confetti product for only 20 easy payments of $999.95!
Other uses of confetti[edit]
Since the introduction of confetti, there have been those who have tried to find other uses for confetti. Only one other use has been found: Drugs.
Confetti has a street price of $20/paper slice. Its street names are: "Clown Paper", "Happy Litmus", and "Small, rectangular slices of colored paper". It is highly addictive and has ruined many families. Its effects on the body are as of yet unknown, as it is a relatively new drug. However, it can cause death if overused. If you or some one you know is addicted to confetti, please contact Confetti Anonymous at 1-900-701-3921.
On the upside, doctors are researching confetti's potential to be used to cure stupidity, a terrible disease that has afflicted millions over the course of history and currently afflicts millions more, including Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, rednecks, your mom, and you. Doctors say that patients suffering from stupidity have stated that the confetti makes them feel better, and is very pretty and fun to play with. However, there has been opposition to medical confetti, saying it will be abused, especially by people like you, you hippie.