Wind turbine

This shouldn't hapen

Wind turbines are large mechanical devices which harness the power of electricity to produce small quantities of wind. Although wind turbines were originally designed as a tunneling device called the ‘Turbo Dig Man 9000’ it soon became apparent they were much more useful upside down and connected to an electricity network. Wind turbines are the first line of defense against global warming, and it is predicted that the planet will have soon so many wind turbines that the combined effect of the produced wind will push the planet further away from the sun, thus reducing global warming.

History

Invention

The scene near a small french village shortly after the British bombardment had begun

The centuries old tunnelling method of using giant tamed shipworms to literally eat though all known rock types came into disrepute after in 1834 one rampaging worm devoured Leeds. After the initial euphoria over the event it was realised proper towns could also be eaten and a solution was sought after. This was especially important as the sewage in London was up to shoulder height, as it is today, and sewers needed to be dug. Great minds got together but were beaten to death by a mole called Joseph Bazalgette who happened to be commissioned to dig the sewers, he created the ‘King Bazalgette turbo dig man 9000.’ This requires no description as it is identical to a modern wind turbine when upside down.

These were useless at tunnelling and were soon accredited with spreading Cholera to London. The disbanded ‘King Bazalgette turbo dig man 9000s’ were loaded in cannons and fired at France because there was no spare landfill in Britain. A single turbine landed upside down in a field and immediately their potential was realised. Some Danish people claim the invention of the wind turbine but they were taken behind a wall and shot.

Growth

There was at first only one wind turbine, this was in David Camerons garden. His example has been followed by many politicians who found the convection currents caused by the hot air they produce allowed constant maximum output from their turbines. It is now not uncommon for politicians to wear hat mounted turbines to prove their green credentials. Since 2004 the density of wind turbines has increased and they currently have a density of seven per square metre, this is predicted to increase to twenty by 2012. This will have the effect of stopping all wind everywhere.

Power Output

During periods of little wind wind turbines can be burnt to generate electricity

It has been proven that wind turbines produce absolutely no power at all under any situation or wind speed. This is untrue for Scotland, but nowhere else. If wind turbine were capable of power generation between 1983 and 1997 they could only have been a maximum 59% efficient because a jealous German called Herr Trottellmaann created ‘Betz law’ in 1983. In 1997 he was given the usual wind industry justice and was taken behind a wall and shot, instantly all wind turbines became 136% efficient as they would have been prior to 1983.

Opposition

The most prolific opposition to every wind turbine has come from Lord Trivial of zilch county as his pretty views across his estate will be fouled. However he welcomed the recent application for a coal fired power station on his land and offered his fishing lake as the coal store. The remainder of the opposition comes from the millions of ‘express’ and ‘Sun’ readers, some of which have trouble spelling ‘wind turbine’ but all claim to be experts in the field of energy and have the answer to everything.

Few people realize the most serious problem with wind turbines. In an event of natural disaster, sabotage or malfunction, they may break down spilling immeasurable quantities of wind. The sudden release of this wind shall certainly bring the whole planet to a catastrophe of unseen proportions, dwarfing down Chernobyl, Hiroshima, BP/Haliburton/Deepwater horizon, Vezuvius, hurricane Katrina, and even Katherine Harris disasters.

Wind Farms

Wind Farms are areas of land that have many Wind Turbines planted on them. Wind Turbines are usually grown from seeds in Denmark before they are transported to other parts of the world for planting in the wild. After planting, a small wind turbine of around 1kW in size takes between 5 to 7 years to grow into an adult turbine of around 2,000kW. The rate of growth depends on several factors but most importantly the amount of water they receive, which is why they grow so well in Scotland.

Bird Kills

The effect of a bird-wind turbine collision

Simply, not enough. It is for this reason that the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds and most of the old people who live near the sites of proposed Wind Farms feel the need to support hunting of birds and animals as wind turbines have proved to be entirely inefficient when it comes to keeping bird numbers in check. It has also been noted that they are rubbish at killing badgers and other pests like squirrels and doggers. The regulation waders issued to wind turbine construction workers and the standby submarine to deal with the overwhealming torrent of bird entrails due to bird-blade collisions were found to be surplus to requirements. This led to the discovery that the office cat killed more birds each minute than the entirety of the wind turbines in the US’s western seaboard, Denmark and David Camerons garden ever could over the next millennium. To overcome this the ‘how to kill two birds with one wind turbine’ act of parliament was passed stating all captured birds by law must be launched at the blades of any wind turbine by any person who come across one. This soon became the UK’s most popular pastime where it became subsidised by the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds who soon began providing new turbine fodder such as dolphins, puppies, brontosauruses, Britney Spears, Toddlers, pixies, Hobbits and Jeremy Clarkson. However this pastime stopped at 10pm on the first day when the new series’ of Desperate Housewives and Lost began and the activity never restarted.

Camberwick Green

This is a children’s programme demonstrating the perils of being a miller. The miller, James Miller, is the first introduction to obscene violence for children as James Miller is repeatedly beaten and mauled by the sails of his windmill every time he steps out of the front door of the mill. The message of the programme, be warned wind turbines will kill you and everyone you care about, never turn your back on one. Especially if you are stinky James Miller. He smells bad. This is the lesson.

See also

• Wind generators