UnBooks:Homies Guide to Thanksgiving

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The novel Homies Guide to Thanksgiving is also available in paperback.
Forget about formalities like saying grace, that's for the white folks. I mean how else you gonna get your eat on?

Contrary to what The Man says, don’t let the end of the month keep you from enjoying the Thanksgiving festivities. Yeah I know you spent most of your welfare benefits in seven days on Chinese take away and Heineken but you shouldn't’t let this stop you from the Thanksgiving feast that you so richly deserve. Here's some tips on what to serve and how to entertain on Turkey day in the ghetto.

First the guest list. This will take care of itself. Chances are if you have a job you will be the only member of your extended family that is actually employed. Everyone even remotely related to you will know you work and will show up at your door empty handed. What am I talking about? You don’t have a job. OK, let’s assume you just had that additional bastard so everyone knows your benefits got bumped up, bling-bling. You’re still the rich member of the tribe and they’ll still show up empty handed. The black family may be disjointed and dysfunctional but when it comes to mooching off each other they really come together. Now that we’ve established that you will have twenty moochers in your home we need to plan the menu.

  • Drink: Soda and lots of it. Choose the most flavorful brands such as pineapple, strawberry, grape and chocolate. Get the big 4-liter bottle and spread them all over the leopard skin dinning room table. Nothing adds to the table’s elegance like a dozen or so 4 liter bottles of soda. One good thing about the moochers is that they will always manage to have liquor and drugs. Insist that they share their crack and malt beverages in exchange for food.
  • Appetizers: Generic cheez-its, cheetos, and cheese puffs. If you don’t run out they can serve as a side dish to the main meal.
  • Main Course: Forget about those lavish turkey dinners that you see whitey preparing. Two words: Pot Pies (and we ain't talkin' 'bout 'da chronic). Yes turkey pot pies go for 3 for 99 cent in the Super K frozen section and right now there’s a deal. You get 3 turkey pot pies for every Dark and Lovely, Care Free Kurl and Dark and Greasy black hair product that you purchase. Pot pies are an all in one meal. You get something that passes for turkey, something that looks like baby puke that is actually gravy, a few peas and carrots and that tender flakey crust. Mmmm. Mmm.
  • Condiments: All homies know that the condiments make the meal. This is what homey is talking about when he carries on about "flava". All "food" should be drowned in butter salt, ketchup and hot sauce. Have plenty of these condiments on hand because this is the real meal.
  • Desert: You've seen how white folks always show up with a cake or a pie when invited somewhere. This won’t happen with homie so you will be responsible for desert but you’ll be broke after providing all those pot pies, butter, salt, ketchup and hot sauce not to mention the Super K soda. Here’s a bonus tip. Take a bottle of grape soda and pour it into an ice tray. Stick some toothpicks in them and you have popsicles. Nothing says class like homemade popsicles.

Now food alone won’t make the evening so you must also plan activities or topics of conversation to get the evening moving along. Here’s a list of some can’t go wrong topics for lively conversations: Hating whitey, hating Jews, hating blacks that "act white", hating fags, hating crackers, hating white boys, luvin fat black girls, luvin fat white girls, living fat Asian girl's, luvin fat Puerto Rican girls, rap, rappers, petty crime, senseless crime, Da Po-lice, basketball and hating white people. It’s not an exhaustive list but it is sure to get you started.

After you guest have eaten, conversed, and consumed large quantities of crack and malt liquor you will want to engage in some or all of the following activities: Arguing about essentially nothing, yelling and screaming about nothing until the wee hours of the morning, fighting with knives or guns, shucking, jiving, goofing or any other non productive, criminal and thoroughly anti-social behavior you can think of.

You’ll know when the party is over when someone is murdered; wounded and/or the po-lice come to your section 8 unit as a result of a complaint. This will usually occur sometime after 3:00 a.m. There you have it. All you need to know to have one Ghetto-fabulous celebration on Thanksgiving Day.

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