Star Trek: Enterprise
“Shoot the fucking Temporal Agent Tuvok...”
“It's the Vulcan woman, Captain... she's having another emotional crisis. Shall I call in Sir Walter Scott?”
“I once watched the captain water board a dolphin because he mistook it for a Xindi Amphibian; she was an ROTC cetacean ops officer, fresh out of Florida. Her name was Flip Tucker; and she would have made a fine engineer, just like her big brother. The captain said the chef made her into a fine tuna salad.”
Star Trek: Enterprise (AKA as "Shran: The Series!" or "I've never heard of that show") was a massacre by the Writer's Guild of America that happened over the period of four seasons starting in 2001 and claiming several million victims, most prominently, the show's main actors. To date, it is the only canonical Star Trek in existence due to the time traveling Einstin Abrams Bridge, as seen in the TOS classic "The Reboot on the Edge of Yesterday." The Abrams Bridge decided to destroy planet Vulcan, throwing the entire space time continuum, and, as a result, all nerds everywhere, into a state of chaos. Like the three mostly decent Star Trek shows that came before it that he worked on, ST: Enterprise was, in part, produced by Rick Berman who was discovered to be suffering from a genetically augmented cross-species Klingon bird of prey flu during most of the series' production causing him to remain in a mostly delirious state of confusion muttering occasional technobabble. Tragically, the discovery was made too late for Mr. Berman to have the writers executed as Star Trek: Enterprise had been put to death by network executives before its writers were able to harm anyone else.
After a long period of time elapsed, Berman and the fans became friends again through government mandated mediation.
Setting and Plot
Star Trek: Enterpise takes place in space. There are planets and stars in this space. On some of the planets there are alien species but some of them don't have any alien species. The crew flies around (on their ship) in the space and visits the planets. Sometimes they get into fights with the people on the planets. Other times they get into fights with people on ships in the space above the planets. Other times they don't fight but they talk. Without a doubt the most brutal of the writers' cruelty was evident when they weren't fighting. The ship's crew struggled against the writers but, like all good tragedies, their fate won out in the end and the writers stood laughing over the corpses of their slain foes. There's an old writers guild proverb, "A sitting guild can lay upon a thousand cheeks in a single month."
This Star Trek differed from it's predecessors because they were all afraid of the transporter being a primitive superstitious bunch from the 22nd Century so you didn't know they were going to crash ahead of time if they were taking a shuttle to visit a planet.
Shran the Incredible Andorian from Outer Space!
Shran was the star of Star Trek: Enterprise. A witty and hot-headed Andorian male with a deep sense of duty and honor who was commander of an Andorian Imperial Guard ship, Shran was the only person strong enough to withstand the onslaught of the writers' malevolence. While the humans struggled valiantly and put up a fight, at the end of the day, only Shran emerged unscathed from the vicious battle he had been thrust into. He tried to avenge the blood of his fallen new-found human friends, but the Network Executives had preempted his vengeance by killing all his foes for him.
Shran's journey begins when he discovers a few members of a species called "humans" collaborating with his mortal enemy, the Vulcans, at a Vulcan monastery called P'Jem. These humans tell him they're from a ship called "Enterprise" and that the Vulcans are their allies. Shran utilizes his cunning, bravery, and intelligence to convince the humans to recognize the inherent duplicity of the Vulcans and that they've all fallen victim to a Vulcan communist mind-control scheme. Through Shran's indubitable leadership skills, the humans discover that the treacherous Vulcans had broken their treaty with Andoria and were operating a spy outpost in the monastery. Shran laughs at his humiliated Vulcan foes and then orders an air strike to destroy the monastery and leaves victorious with his new-found human friends.
The writers were able to pull off one major blow to Shran the incredible Andorian from outer space: in the writers' malevolent attempts to make the Captain of the Enterprise look better than Shran, and thereby destabilize the leadership of the fight against the Writers' Guild, they tricked Shran to where every time he tortured someone he was always wrong and the person he was torturing always didn't have the information he wanted. This was an attempt to make Shran look bad in comparison to Captain Archer's inevitably successful torture. Even these schemes by the Writers Guild weren't enough to defeat Shran and he kept up his just and righteous battle against them to the very end.
Data, Troi and Riker
The most important three characters of the show after Shran; they appear as timeline ghosts to bury the franchise after the deaths of Nazi Data and Nazi Robocop.
Captain Jonathan Archer
Jonathan Archer was a victim of multiple personality disorder and Captain of the Enterprise. Many suspect this was because it was Sam Beckett and an Emergency Hologram Captain that only he could see, who leaped into that guy from 24 who tortured and brutalized his foes with inevitably good results; trying to right what once went wrong. He spent most of his time in his quarters jerking off while thinking about his science officer. It was for this reason that the Captain's Bridge office became known as the "'Always Ready Whenever You are Babe' Room" which was later shortened to "Ready Room."
Archer was mind-meld raped on planet Vulcan by an extremist cult that followed the teachings of some guy named Surak: The Greatest Vulcan Who Ever Lived. A mind-meld rape occurs whenever a Vulcan melds without consent or even melds beyond the allotted time for the meld. Captain Archer was extremely traumatized by the event and started hallucinating that he was hearing the voice and seeing the image of Surak in his head. It turned out the only way to be cured of these hallucinations was if he was forced to meld with another member of the cult. T'Pol was annoyed when she found out they were going to force a mind-meld on Captain Archer because she had been telling everyone she was forced to meld when it wasn't true. Fortunately, Archer wasn't female so nobody really cared that he was actually mind-meld raped and everyone got back to worrying about T'Pol's phony mind-meld rape story.
Shran the Incredible Andorian from Outer Space led a group of viscous Andorians to the very lair of the Writers' Guild in response to the far-left feminist "I was fake raped by a Vulcan mind-meld" metaphors and, after many hours of brutally torturing writers, he managed to get them to promise to return to the old "Kathrine Janeway is a badass and will personally kamikaze Voyager and sacrifice her life to save the timeline" kind of feminism rather than the "pity me for my poor choices because I have boobs and can tell a good sob story" kind.
T'Pol was sexy eye candy who hated men, humans, people, anyone: like all sexy eye candy victims of the Writers' Guild. She was also a science officer. She suffered from Vulcan mind-meld rape PTSD making her emotionally volatile and a lying Vulcan. She told everyone the mind-meld was forced on her even though she voluntarily participated and then, when she tried to withdraw, was forced to remain in the meld for a brief period.
Spock became a mind-meld rapist due to alterations in the space-time continuum by T'Pol. It was discovered that this notoriously evil Vulcan had a long history of non-consensual mind-melds. One "Dr. Leonard McCoy" testified at his trial: "I was asleep Spock! How could you? You knocked me out with your Vulcan nerve pinch! You were not to go into the giant radiation chamber, that was final! What if I didn't want to 'remember?' huh? Did you ever think of that? No, you were thinking of how you were going to play the hero and save the ship all by yourself!" A Vulcan woman named Valeris testified at the trial: "Sure, I did it. It was logical. Kill the President of the Federation to prevent the Klingon Peace Treaty. It was agreed by a number of dissidents from both the Federation and the Klingon Empire to prevent the peace negotiations. It was not rational for Spock to meld with me to discover the co-conspirators in the plot to assassinate the President of the Federation as the assassination was the only logical approach to preventing peace with the Klingons." After a ten minute jury recess, Spock was pronounced guilty of forcing mind-melds. Spock lived the rest of his life in solitary confinement in a maximum security prison on Vulcan disgraced in the eyes of the Vulcan community. Unfortunately they all forgot Spock could just mind meld through walls; and that no amount of protection could prevent psychic AIDS. As part of his community service, Spock had to appear in two films directed by the Einstein Abrams Bridge.
Attempts were made by Federation Temporal Agents from the 31st century to repair the damage caused by T'Pol. Unfortunately that plot line was incredibly awful and was ultimately abandoned after several of the writers were assassinated by the Enterprise Crew, led by the valiant Shran the incredible Andorian from outer space, during the Temporal Cold War. After the destruction of the really annoying and meddlesome Temporal Agents from the 31st century who had far overstayed their welcome with their interactions with Captain Janeway, there was nobody left to stop Star Wars fans from invading the Star Trek Universe through the Einstein Abrams Bridge. Star Trek finally became a completely vapid money-printing action-packed adventure film series for Paramount Studios that abandoned all mentions of dirty communist space hippies and was otherwise indistinguishable from any and all other action films produced by Hollywood.
T'Pol developed a lead-huffing "just so she could feel something, man" addiction as a result of her ridiculous self-centeredness which caused her to attempt to direct all attention onto her at every opportunity she possibly could. She frequently displayed the emotions of irritation, disgust, egotism, pride, and despondency. It was later discovered that T'Pol was actually somewhat of a practical joke played on the humans by a collaboration between the Vulcan High Command and the Writers' Guild. In reality, nobody on Vulcan could stand T'Pol due to her incessant complaining and lying, and so it was decided to exile her to a ship full of humans in hopes that she would be blown up when the humans finally did something really stupid.
In short, Captain Janeway would have put this irritating emo Vulcan in her place a long time ago by getting in her face and saying something like: "get over it, I don't have time to hold your hand every time you break a nail T'Pol." But, it turned out the Captain of the Enterprise was a male human who thought "that's just how women are."
Charles Tucker was a college drop-out who just happened to know warp theory well enough to be the engineer on the most important and complicated Earth ship ever built. He was in love with T'Pol and she enjoyed toying with him in her spare time. Like Riker's transporter clone; Tuckers clone had a mutation called character development, a side effect of only being in one episode. Historically Tucker was also the first man to get pregnant from holo porn, a file missing from the EMH's med school folder.
Once, Tucker, under the influence of 22nd Century Vulcan 7th wave feminist grievance mongering, tried to valiantly teach an oppressed and deliberately uneducated third gender of an alien species how to read a book. This was surprising because everyone was certain up to this point that Tucker was just a beer guzzling redneck who voted for President Bush and not actually Starfleet material. Captain Archer showed once again that he most definitely is not Starfleet material by refusing asylum to the oppressed third gender creature when it requested it. Captain Archer had become enamored with the
Saudi's Vissian's exquisite oil technological achievement and therefore was unwilling to compromise relations with the species based on principle simply because they prevented some sexes from enjoying full equal rights as sentient beings. The oppressed third gender creature killed itself as it was bitterly unwilling to go back to the peaceful ignorant bliss it had been given by its benevolent overlords. Tucker swore off 22nd Century Vulcan 7th wave feminism and refused to get teary eyed for Captain Archer when he was mind-meld raped by the dead soul of Surak the greatest Vulcan who ever lived himself.
Travis was raised on a ghetto shipping ship, like all black men. Because he lacked any personality whatsoever due to the writers' evil campaigns of malevolent evilness, he was allowed to spend time with non-black people and come aboard the Enterprise.
Hoshi Unit 275
Hoshi was the universal translator prototype. Designed and built by overbearing Asian people with extremely high standards for their creations whom the Universal Translator called "parents," the Enterprise NX-01 was the first ship in Starfleet to contain the Universal Translator. The Universal Translator is capable of learning a language and translating it by hearing just a few words and the Hoshi unit was capable of doing just this. Originally designed as a Japanese sex bot, the Hoshi Unit 275 looked decent topless as was discovered by the writers at some point during their brutal campaign. Starfleet eventually had to have a trial to see if the Hoshi Unit 275 had any rights as a sentient life form but as it appeared the unit was capable of doing absolutely nothing but translating linguistic constructs and cooking soup, it was decided that the Hoshi Unit was not in fact sentient and what was thought to be sentience was just the fact that the sex bot unit was originally intended to be life-like. Much to the disappointment of Starfleet engineers everywhere, the Universal Translator was eventually mass produced without the humanoid form.
The Hoshi unit also excelled at decryption because in the future the principles of linguistics and mathematical encryption techniques are pretty much the same.
In the mirror universe, the Hoshi Unit was actually a sentient artificial life form and behaved as most women do: by manipulating men with their sexy wiles and betraying them in the end.
Malcolm Reed was a proper, well-bred and mannered Englishman who was doomed to remain single forever because women just aren't into dudes like that anymore; not even the Hoshi Unit would go near him despite his flawless King's English. Like all Brits he was a spy; if only he'd been born into another part of the empire he could have been an honest engineer.
Phlox was a puffer fish who rolled around the sickbay and poisoned everyone who accidentally stepped on it giving the ship's doctor, Dr. Phlox, who had named his fish after himself, strong job security. Dr. Phlox is a non-human who isn't a prude in contrast to all the humans who, in the future, are serious fucking prudes except in the 23rd century when it was more ok to be blatantly sexist on TV. The best way to be less sexist, it was discovered, is to just make all women prudes and, as a consequence, make the men prudes too. Dr. Phlox was fond of pimping out his wives to men on the ship in exchange for new tongue cleaners. He had a serious toad licking addiction too; luckily there were no Xindi amphibians.
Various and Sundry Plot-lines Described in Fastidious Detail
Like all factions in Star Trek: Enterprise, the Suliban took orders from 31st Century Temporal Agents. The Suliban really didn't know any more about their temporal agents than the Enterprise crew knew about their temporal agents. What was known was the temporal agents were all very mysterious and, as a result of their mysterious ways, everyone on all sides of every conflict could agree on one thing: it was probably a good idea to do exactly what their respective mysterious temporal agents said to do without question.
Anyway, what was for damned sure is that no one in the Writers' Guild was going to ask a smelly and geeky Trekkie what had happened in the Star Trek Universe so that a reasonably believable prequel could be written. Instead, it was decided the Writers' Guild would just contract with temporal agents from the 31st Century and hope that they would give the show that "everyone follows a spooky hologram emperor" Star Wars effect.
The Suliban were given genetic enhancements by their spooky hologram which they greatly appreciated because everyone had made fun of them a bunch in Jr. High calling them all sorts of nasty names. "Stucco face" was the most prominent epithet that had scarred the Suliban as they were a race whose skin was entirely covered in bright yellow warts. With the new genetic enhancements from their Temporal Agents from the 31st Century Shadow Emperor Star Wars Spooky Hologram, the Suliban were able to take their revenge against everyone who had called them nasty names.
The Suliban formed a cabal they creatively called "The Cabal." The Cabal pissed off the Klingons a bunch and because everyone else really loved the Klingons, racism against the Suliban skyrocketed causing even more lashing out from the anti-Sulibanites. Enterprise was the first to rescue the poor Klingons from the Cabal. Because the Cabal was trying to throw the benevolent and peaceful Klingon Empire into chaos, everyone was extremely grateful to Archer when he protected the Klingons from the Cabal and exposed their nasty plot to sow chaos in the Klingon Empire. Nobody could believe that there could be such an evil race as the Suliban who would try to destabilize the Klingon Empire so the Suliban were all locked into internment camps to protect the much persecuted Klingons from their malevolent aggressors.
The Xindi Incident
The Xindi were a group of species from an area of space called the "Delphic expanse" which was full of "subspace roadbumps" which were constructed by evil temporal agents from another dimension who had apparently run out of space in their universe and needed to colonize our space by filling it with subspace roadbumps. Despite the vast expanses of underdeveloped real estate between galaxies, they decided to immigrate to the Alpha Quadrant of the Milky Way galaxy and "pave over" the physical laws of Euclidian space to support their atemporal extradimensionalnesss. The humans were apparently fated to stop the immigration plans of the atemporal beings 400 years in the future so the atemporal beings started a religion for a group of species called "The Xindi." The primary tenet of this religion was "kill the humans at all costs!"
The Xindi were a group of five species who all evolved into intelligent species on the same planet. These species were the Reptilians, the Aquatics, the Insectoids, the Arboreals (tree primates), and the Primates (the ground kind as opposed to the tree kind).
Following the most sacred tenets of their religion, the Xindi launched a terror attack on earth that killed 7 million people in Florida (and Brazil/Venezuela/general Eastern South America, but this is an American show). The humans were disgruntled about this because they hadn't been overthrowing the Xindi's religious cult for petroleum since 400 years in the future. Captain Archer was sent to wage an intergalactic war in the one and only Warp 5 capable ship Earth had. On the way he spent a season stopping at different planets in the Delphic expanse because there was a lot of time to kill before the season finale. It turned out the Xindi attack was just a prototype weapons and the Xindi had bigger WMD's (really, they actually did). Captain Archer did his best to be tolerant of the Xindi's sacred beliefs in exterminating humans, but it was decided that the WMD's had to be destroyed. Archer eventually saved the day and convinced all the species except the reptilians that it wasn't necessary to blow up Earth for one's religion. The reptilians tried, but Shran the incredible Andorian from Outer Space was able to sweep in and save the day for the humans.
Just when he thought everything was safe and Earth had been saved, Temporal Agents from the 31st Century showed up and sent Enterprise back to the 1940's because different evil temporal agents from the Temporal Cold War had teamed up with Hitler and overthrown the United States in the past. The Enterprise spent a few episodes overthrowing the alien Reich from the future in the past because the 31st Century Temporal Agents just get people from other time periods to do their dirty work for them.
It was later found that the above description was not actually a parody of the Xindi plot line and is a pretty much accurate description of the events of Star Trek: Enterprise which apparently only suffered from bad ratings due to what the producer called: "franchise fatigue" which is code in the industry for "the NSA thought the atheist space socialists have had more than enough air time to colonize space with their highfalutin didacticism after five series."
The Network Executives finally moved Star Trek Enterpise to the Death Slot as Shran the incredible Andorian from outer space had finally captured all the Writers' Guild's Temporal Agents from the 31st Century and had them locked away in an Andorian black site. As Andorians are incredibly suspicious and the Temporal Agents from the 31st Century were absolutely nothing but mysterious, it's likely they endured many years of brutal torture by the Andorians trying to extract some sort of "motive" or "plot" from the temporal agents in a doubtlessly fruitless endeavor.
Thanks to the Andorians' efforts, the Enterprise crew and all other factions in the universe could now stop following mysterious time traveling holograms and exist in their own time period guided by their own political motivations. T'Pol was cured of her mind-meld rape PTSD and lead huffing addiction and started acting like she was a Vulcan. And, suddenly, in its death throws, and without warning, Star Trek: Enterprise became somewhat interesting, for Star Trek.