Picking up chicks
“Treat a girl like dirt and she'll stick to you like mud.”
Some people think that the only way to pick up chicks is to be good looking and or rich. These people are mostly correct, but there are ways to pick up chicks if you have none of these things.
The Usual Method
The typical thing that a guy should do is hang around her all the time and try to be her "friend". Although if you aren't ghey enough for that, getting the phone number is a first step. Then call her and ask her out, sometime over the next month being optimal. One of two things happens: A) she accepts whatever you propose and actually shows up, 2) she says she's too busy, or VI) she makes the date but asks you to call back to confirm, which results in a broken date. If "A" happens, you're in trouble. If "2" or "VI" happen, you will get her in the end if you persist enough. Don't worry about the restraining orders, at least she's noticing you. You might even be able to get a chance to be one of her kind when the civil service takes you to a nice holding institution.
Women like to be teased and held in suspense. If you're a nice guy, she will leave you for a much more exciting, unpredictable jerk. In order to make her continue to believe you're an asshole, treat her like dirt, avoid paying attention to her whenever possible, and never, under any circumstances, ever, buy her a draaank.
The Tennis Ball Method
The first and perhaps most efficient method of picking up chicks is the Tennis Ball method. It was created in early 2004 by Tim "Linux User" Repas, one of the famous generals of the Human vs. Kitten War. This method requires a few supplies but will generally work for any occasion. Ideally one requires a racket, a tennis ball, and tennis courts if possible. The method is simple. Hit around with the tennis ball and pretend to know what you're doing. This provides the illusion that you are athletic and possibly even fit. Then all you need to do is lose track of the tennis ball for a moment, and let it roll in close proximity to a group of women. Here is where the difficult part of the tennis ball method begins. You must walk over to the tennis ball with a laid back swagger. Then, posterior facing the group, you must bend down slowly. I can not stress this enough. The movement must be fluid, but slow. Upon grabbing the ball you must pause for a moment, and then slowly rise back up. If this method is employed correctly you will be knee deep in ladies in no time.Or if you are playing with a few mates what you need is a highly good aim and the story of a lifetime.
STEPS ARE AS FOLLOWED:
- Get your mate or companion to hit the ball over your head so that the ball lands in her court
- Make sure it looks like a accident
- Run over to the court to retrieve the ball
- Make up some bullshit that will likely impress her
- If shes happy have a doubles match against her and her companion
- Repeat steps 1-5 if need be
The Drink on the Crotch Method
This method of picking up chicks is very popular in Romania. It's pretty basic. Say you're at a crappy party in a rich white persons house. Say they have a room with an African theme which you find kind of strange considering their overwhelming whiteness. Now let's assume you see a pretty girl sitting on the sofa. Just walk up to her and gently pour a small quantity of your drink on the crotch of her pants. Then to bring it all home by follow that act up with the line "Whoops, looks like you'll have to take off those pants. Let me help you with that." If all goes well you'll be taking her to the broom closet for a little pelvic pinochle.
There are several ways to pick up women that result in success, but are not counted by the relevant authorities as legal manouvres. Some of these include;
- Rohypnol technique- Expose her to loud music. Eventually, when she complains of a headache, give her an "aspirin" and a strong drink to take it with.
- Rape technique- Skip the asking for permission step.
- Being famous- Deemed an unfair advantage by said authorities.
- Being rich- As above.
- Belly Button Entry- Not deemed sufficient penetration.
Cheesey Pick Up Lines
If the tennis ball method doesn't work you can attempt a second, more hazardous method of picking up chicks. This method is of course, the cheesy pick up line. It is common knowledge that the cheesy pickup line is an almost fool proof method of picking up women, and was created by Oscar Wilde himself. The only draw back is that if your pickup line is too creative, too original, or actually loving, the woman's fragile female mind might explode. So the nerst thing you must know about the cheesy pick up line is that when you say it you must do so with no emotion other than arrogance. Secondly don't be creative or original, use whatever cheesy pickup line that comes to your mind first and requires the least thought. If you still have difficulty with pickup lines I will provide a helpful list of classics.
- I wanna stick my pole into your tent....uh, when we go camping.
- I'm here now. What were your other two wishes?
- If I was Y and you were X, then I'd square us!- and add both of us together! - and then... (it is crucial that you get out your calculator at this point)...you get Z! -Squared! Sorry! Z squared!
- Are you a baker? Because you have SOME buns! (Credits to Oghren)
- Will you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your fine ass.
- Something tells me that you are sweet. Can I have a sample?
- Are you religious? Cause you are the answers to all my prayers.
- Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
- I wish you were sin^2(x) and I was Cos^2(x) cos then we'd be one.
- Why don't you be be unique and different and say "Yes"?
- Calm down! Let's not turn this rape into a murder!
- Is there a keg in your pants? Because I wanna tap that ass.
- I put the STD in stud, all I need is U.
- Do you take Mastercard?
- "Hi I'm Hugh Hefner."
- (At a nightclub) Do you want a dance? Yes? Well the dance-floor's over there, now fuck off while I chat-up your good-looking friend.
- Are you an angel? Because I have an erection?
- You and I are so alike, you must have some of my DNA in you!
- How can you deny a child the right to life ... by not sleeping with me?
- What time do you have to be back in heaven?
- Wanna go halves on a bastard?
- You might as well sleep with me, as I'm only going to boast to my friends that you did anyway.
- (Hold up two fingers of your hand) Why should women masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine.
- Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my dreams all night. I know my arms are tired.
- (at a college campus) What's your minor 'cause your major's in my pants
- Did it hurt, when you
lost your virginityfell from heaven?
- (To a waitress) I'd like a sex on the beach, hold the beach.
- Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
- Hey baby, can I smell your barstool?
- (At the grocery store in the fruit section) Can I help you carry those melons to the checkin' you out line?
- Baby, you look like a late library book, you've got fine written all over you.
- Is that a mirror in your pocket, 'cause I see myself in your pants.
- You must have grown up on a farm, because you sure know how to raise a cock.
- You have very pretty ..uhh...wanna fuck?
- I want you in the worst way, standing up on a hammock.
- If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- Do you have a little Italian in you? No? Would you like one?
- Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock.
- You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.
- Hey baby, how bout you and me play pirate? Here, let me show you my peg leg.
- Hey baby, how bout you and me play army? Here, let me show you my privates.
- Hey baby, how bout you and me play war games? I'll lie down and you blow the fuck outta me.
- Hey baby, how bout you and me play carpenter? We'll both get hammered, then I can nail you.
- In Soviet Russia, your pants get in me!
- Hey baby, wanna see my founding father?
- Hey Victoria, your secrets showing.
- Hi, my name is Doug. That's "God" spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it.
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
- Did you just sit in a puddle of water, or are you just happy to see me?
- Hey, want a kid?
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together!
- Wow... you would look really pretty in an uncompressed TIFF with interleaved pixel and IBM byte order with saved image pyramid and transparencies on all the right places along with ZIP compression for greater compatibility.
- Hey, you're a cute little JPEG, have you been decompressed lately?
- Hey, you're a cute little JPEG, would you like to get progressive on me?
- Are you from UPS? 'Cuz I coulda sworn you were just checking out my package.
- Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
- Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin'.
- I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
- If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head?
- Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!
- If you were a phaser, you'd be set on "stunning".
- You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room. Now steal my virginity.
- If you turn my software into hardware. I'll stick my floppy in your drive and transfer my files.
- If you were my homework, I'd do you on the table.
- I'm with the FBI- the Female Body Inspectors, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
- Shall we buy a family grave, because I want to lay upon you for ever.
- You're beautiful, can I have a blow job?
- Nice legs, what time do they open?
- Was your father a thief? because someone stole the stars from heaven and put them in your eyes.
- Was your father a thief? Because I found a man who looks a lot like you rifling through my glove compartment a few months ago.
- Was your father a thief? Because I need a good man to help me steal priceless art works from Chinese art galleries which are renowned for their heavy security measures.
- Hey Babe I'm an astronaut and I'm on a mission. A mission to see Uranus.
- If you're the derivative to my curves, I'd be the integral so I can be the area under your curves.
- Hey! Are you from Memphis? Because you're the only ten I see.
- Hey, baby. Wanna go divide? You can be the denominator.
- Hey, baby. y=2x+4, you make my slope go positive.
- It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
- Babe, what level are you? Let's go do some PvP, if you know what I mean.
- I like your student body. You want a better grade? I say if you roll over, I'll throw in financial aid.
- Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here.
- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
- I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
- Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
- I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears
- Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
- Less Talking More Fucking
- I find the most erotic part of a woman are the boobies
- If I said you had a beautiful body would you take off all your clothes and dance around?
- Federal Breast Inspector ma'am!
- Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
- Bond, James Bond. (lost, get lost)
- I lost my number, can I have yours?
- I'm from the Sex Police. Spread 'Em!
- You're one over cos C
An example of one NOT to be used (This means you Tom!)(Who the FUCK is Tom?!) (Does it matter?) as it is likely to result in injury:
- Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
- For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
- For a fat chick, you don't sweat all that much.
- Let's make sex.
- What's a slut like you doing in a fine establishment like this?
The White Ninja method
The White Ninja method, though enigmatic, is quite a hit with the ladies. It is a known fact that the most endearing thing on earth is the sight of a man falling asleep while attempting to eat. The White Ninja Method uses this principle to pick up chicks. Perfect execution of this method can be seen at http://www.whiteninjacomics.com/comics/tired.shtml.
The True Secret to "Picking Up Chicks"
Despite other views in today's culture, the best way to pick up chicks is to scoop them up with one hand behind her legs and the other behind her back. This way, it will be comfortable for both the girl and the guy. Often times though, chicks are not easy to pick up, sometimes they play hard to get, and you need to sneak up on them and then wrap your arms around them and lift using your back muscles. Try not to be shallow, but be reasonable, often times a chick is too heavy to pick up, and should just be left alone. If the chick is sitting or lying down, don't bend over! Remember to lift with your legs in order to avoid back aches and other nasty things derived from bad execution.