Olivia Newton-John
“She's a Monet.”
Her Holiness Saint Olivia Newton-John (26 September 1948 – 8 August 2022) was a British–Australian singer, songwriter, actress, entrepreneur, and activist. She was the Queen of Grease, having inherited the throne from her father Isaac Newton. She was made a saint by the last Pope, Zeus, despite not being a) dead b) a Catholic, c) over 4ft7. Newton-John is also secretly actually Terpsichore, Apollo's cat who is one of the Nine Muses of Olympus. She has been a longtime activist for environmental and animal rights issues, and also had a part in launching the Koala Blue line of koala plushies and co-owning the Gaia Online Retreat & Spa in Australia. She is not to be confused with Olivia Mutant-John, her evil twin and 73rd Antichrist (after Chris de Burgh), or Olivia Neutron-Bomb, a missing triplet.
Early life[edit]
Olivia Newton-John was a British prodigy that came over to Australia on her father's boat. Her mother was Irene John and her father was Sir Isaac Newton, who was too busy with gravity to even pay attention to Olivia. One day she put on her rollerskates and sailed away to Olympia, where she was adopted by the Greek god Zeus. There she lived a quiet life in the comfort of Zeus's wine cellar.
When Isaac died, he was summoned to go to Olympia where he would face the fiery endless DMV lines of the underworld. These places happened to look a little cramped which was out of Isaac's comfort zone. "URBAN HELLSCAPE," he said to himself. Finally, when he got to Olympia he met his biggest challenge of all, Loki. That's when Olivia decided it was time to skedaddle again, saying to herself in that quiet Aussie accent, "Those assholes will regret meeting my dad, mate." This of course happened because by that time people decided mythology was a stupid religion. Poor Olivia was now alone on her rollerskates, with nowhere to go. The only good she got from leaving was not meeting her dad, and meeting John Belushi.
The trip to Venice Beach[edit]
Newton-John found herself wandering the world with nowhere to go and nothing to do. After decades of helping people and building a series of roller discos, she invented strange magic. However, she failed to patent it and the idea was stolen by one Jeff Lynne, who was a pupil of hers until he turned to evil. This, due to Einstein's "Time" theory, caused the end of the universe, otherwise known as Grease, in which she played Sandy Olsson, the elder sister of Mary-Kate, Ashley, and Elizabeth Olson. Sandy, fittingly enough, found herself sifting through the sand on Venice Beach. This was about the late '50s where she met a lot of nice people, one in particular named Danny Zuko, who intrigued Sandy with the sight of his rugged charm. Sandy always told her best friend French "Who is Sha Na Na?" to which French replied "What? We were talking about Zuko." Olivia was puzzled by what French said, so she smiled with those pearly white teeth like a good girl. Time after time she was stalking Danny and wanted a piece of that beauty. Finally she got asked to go to prom by him. Olivia smiled and was at peace because she finally knew who Sh Na Na was.
The prom made a big impact on her. The night of the prom Olivia had an epiphany, where she saw herself a couple decades later with a new man. She looked to the right and saw the fat men. "Who are these fat men?" she said to herself. Olivia snapped out of it and noticed Danny dancing with another girl, a Hispanic mean girl named Cha-Cha. "You want to start something bitch?" yelled Olivia. "What did you say girl? Mm I will fuck you up if you say shit," replied Cha-Cha shortly after weird words burst out of both of them. Words like "You're a diner rag uncool square!" and "Quiero coger a su madre con las fresas!" The night ended with a carnival.
The Cool Car incident[edit]
The end was near for these cool and groovy seniors, and by seniors we mean high school seniors because dead old people are not suitable for this family friendly website. These seniors were so stoked to party at their fun carnival and get wasted like douchebags. This is what exactly happened with their nonsensical rock 'n' roll songs about "Skeedlybopdoowopboobopyeah!", "Shalalaramabingbabong!", "Changchangchanglychangshabob!", "Ralalalalalallalaskibity!", and "Arompabaloobaarombanbooooo!"
The fun ended however when Zuko took off in his magic red car flying through the sky, scaring the shit out of Olivia. The wind was cold and they were lost in the cloudy sky with nothing to eat. Three days later Zuko made his confession of being a secret firebender trying to capture the Avatar to please his sugar daddy. Olivia found herself puzzled again, and yelled "Get me off this thing you puta!" Zuko was speechless and remained quiet until he got back to the Fire Nation. This wasn't what Olivia had in mind, so she picked up her roller skates and flew out of this mad world where everyone spoke English and wrote in Chinese.
Canonization and singing career[edit]
“I wanted an Oscar and since I don't have one I became one!”
When the 1970s hit, they hit big because Olivia's sweet wispy voice made a series of albums that no one even knew about (with exception of the one featured on Dance Dance Revolution). The Pope saw Grease when it went on its infamous "Vatican Tour" in 1978, and is reported to have described it as "Bitchin' terrific, yo," though of course he said this in the official language of the Vatican, Quenya. He then summoned Olivia to his winter palace on the planet Xanadu where she performed many miracles, such as walking on Gene Kelly and (after a mysterious suicide whereby a Moon fell on her head) being resurrected as Michelle Pff..Fei...Catwoman for Grease 2.
“My friend told me she was on Glee once. I don't really know, except she got some pretty good plastic surgery.”
The Pope made Olivia a saint in the traditional way, by firing her out of a cannon onto the planet of Earth. Whilst there, she trained with Jedi Master Michael Beck and eventually beat her father Zeus to become Pope in 1980. Olivia briefly married fellow Xanadu star Matt Lattanzi, but broke up with him because she was becoming attracted to "bigger men" exercising.
Disappearance and death[edit]
After that she sort of disappeared from civilisation, and her whereabouts were unknown for decades. Rumor had it that she went back to Olympia, while others say she stole Danny Zuko's car and flew away visiting her old roller discos. By that time no one liked rollerskating, disco, or bad movies about the two. Some intelligence suggested that she was planning Grease 3 for release on Netflix, due to star God as the sidekick to Tom Holland.
Olivia died from breast cancer on 8 August 2022. It was three times unlucky for her, and it was The Day the Music Died.