The Day the Music Died
The term "The Day the Music Died" refers to an important turnpoint in the history of human kind, and, in 'present' terms, it doesn't really refer to a day, but to a period of events lasting several years (as we know, time, by definition, is shrinking: 'How time flies!' is a expression often used by members of the religious movement still following the Gregorian calendar, refusing to accept the time distortion factor introduced by the Terry Pratchett timeline).
During The Day the Music Died, Music was prosecuted by God for surpassing the Godly limits of beauty and passion, and, Death summoned, the ones found guilty were removed from Earth and taken to the Next Level (next time coil).
Some of the convicted:
- Bob Dylan
- Buddy Holly
- Janis Joplin
- Jim Morrison
- Jimi Hendrix
- Nina Simone
- Pete Townshend
- The Byrds
- The Beatles
- Butt Trumpet
- Don McLean, the creator of this 'term'
- Rise Against, whom which have since cleverly disguised their secret to time-travel in that song that Nobody listens to--you know, the song that's like, boring, or some such nonsense, I can't remember, go ask Nobody...
To be able to fully comprehend Music in her Youth (that is, on The Day), one has two options: either enter the 'weird' category of people, who most frequently have an affinity for dusty old things, D&D, computers and pizza, or wait until the "cyclic turn of Time" (see Pratchett timeline again) will align itself perfectly to the 1950's-1960's - which should, by the time the alignment is complete, reach the span of 3 hours and 27 minutes.
Time of death: November 25, 2003 at exactly 9:00:00 AM EST.
Partial transcript of autopsy
The following are carefully chosen pieces of the autopsy arranged in a way to incite the most shocking and violent reaction possible. People with weak stomachs should continue to read as it will toughen you up. Enjoy!
External Examination: The body is that of an overweight, drugged out hooker. Teeth, eyes, nose, and skin tissue all show signs of rot due to intake of hard drugs. Possibly marijuana. Written on the forehead in pink marker is "Bob Guiney was here. LOL"
Cause of Death: Overkill. The body is covered in numerous bullet holes, knife wounds, and wonka bars. Victim seems to have choked on her own vomit while simultaneously being strangled by the Rope in the Ballroom. I suspect Col. Mustard was involved. Signs also point to victim drowning in salt water while being bludgeoned by sea horses.
Events leading up to murder
- Don McLean couldn't get a date.
- Some birds fell out of a fall out shelter because the players attempted to hit them with a forward pass.
- A jester stole King Lenin's thorny crown. King Lenin promised retribution and then had cake.
- The Music reached the bottom of a downward spiral of drug abuse.
- New Wave 80's music was deemed 'boss' and 'cool' again. The wailing of the masses was drowned out by the blaring of Flock of Seagulls music. Like on that episode of That 70's Show where they see the future and Fez starts singing "I Ran"
AND I RAN. I RAN SO FAR AWAY. AND I RAN. I RAN ALL NIGHT AND DAY. I WALKED ACROSS THE AVENUE...
"Iran". No wonder Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hates us.
The man with the trench coat and the shifty eyes - Primary suspect.
- You know he's got to be up to something.
- Mr. Shatner has an embarrassingly well publicized, rocky relationship with The Music.
- For years, Mr. Shatner allegedly took advantage of The Music's low self esteem by abusing her often. She refused to press charges, frustrating fans and police alike.
- Arrested on numerous occasions for Attempted Murder in the 1st Degree. Each time, Mr. Connery tried to kill The Music using spoken word to perform timeless classics. He was never convicted due to his clever use of the Chewbacca defense.
- The release of his debut music album coincided with the exact time of death of The Music.
- Bob Guiney has ties with the Television and Radio Broadcasting Mafia - see his appearance on the Bachelor.
- His motive may be a deep seated need to stay in the public eye. Television was no longer possible for him so he may have decided to use his deceptively good music ability to stay famous.
- February 2003, in a statement to E! News regarding Bob Guiney's plans to release an album, The Music said, "At this time, I have no plans at ever allowing such a thing to happen." When he found out, Bob Guiney went into a rage and severely beat two Irishmen at a Starbucks.
- Mr. Simpson's fingerprints were found on one of the murder weapons.
All suspects are believed to have been present at the time of the murder. Especially Bob Guiney.
- Children scream in the streets.
- Lovers cry.
- Church bells break.
- Girls who sing the blues smile and walk away.
- Radios were deemed illegal by the RIAA and the hidden broadcast flag was turned on in each radio. Radios refuse to play after that.
- Dreaming poets still can't write anything good worth the $5.50 you gave him because you forgot your anniversary and were desperate for a last minute gift that wasn't like the crummy necktie you got your wife last year.
- The Father, the Son and The Holy Ghost, have left for parts unknown. We have received unconfirmed reports it was on the last train to the coast, however.
Solve the Mystery
The RIAA has announced that prizes will be given to residents of the continental U.S., the U.K., and the PB&J who can solve this mystery. To help out the contestants, they have released the following clues along with the autopsy and suspect list.
- The shifty-eyed trench coat wearing man has been spotted at many of the bars, clubs, and gala luncheons that The Music frequents.
- The walrus was Paul.
- The Music was frail and sickly from years of drug and physical abuse. She wouldn't have been able to defend herself against even the most elderly of men.
- It wasn't Sean Connery.
- It was Bob Guiney.
One Grand Prize Winner receives a copy of Bob Guiney's second, unreleased album Electric Motorcycle. 10 First Prize Winners receive contracts to be record executives at major label record companies like Soni, Soney, and Tony. 1100 Second Prize Winners receive one way tickets to Funky Town. 42 Third Prize Winners receive two copies of Bob Guiney's third, yet less imaginative album, I Shot The Music.
All contestants are eligible for the mandatory screening process which will ensure said contestant is not a file sharer. The process includes surveys, RIAA search and seizure of all properties of said contestant, and a run through the Gauntlet of Metallica.
All contestants who submit their answer of Bob Guiney will be included in the screening process. All surviving contestants will then be entered into the drawing after serving a 20 year sentence in a federal prison. Contest expires July 4th, 2006.