Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The TMNT logo.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or, to give their scientific name Tortiesa Adolicious Ninjitsua Mutalia are the results of a genetic engineering experiment gone horribly wrong by Linux creator Linus Torvalds.

History

After being abandoned in a New York sewer, the four humanoid turtles depended upon themselves. Starvation became a daily part of life. Being genetically programmed with martial ninja moves for Torvalds' protection, the turtleoids quickly made friends with another genetic experiment gone wrong, "Splinter", who is believed to have been engineered by another famous open-source programmer, Richard Stallman. The years go by in New York City and the city has relied on a wide variety of malformed super freaks to protect it from other gangs of genetically modified food, who for some reason or another want to wreak havoc but never end up hurting anyone at all anyway. (Asking why New York City is begging the question, if the reader has visited Battery Park after 6 PM.)

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were also Renaissance artists in their spare time, and were responsible for such works as the famous sculpture of David Duchovny in Italy, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, and the Leaning Tower of Pizza.

The Heroes

Clockwise from upper left hand corner: Leonardo I think, Machiavelli, Inky and Clyde. Master Splinter, the TMNT sensei. The villain of the series, The Shredder , in action.

Homies Leonardo (leads) Donatello (does machines...no really) ' Master Splinter (The turtles sensei, a mutant raccoon that was fused with a crooked cop that was drunk on saki and lying in the wrong gutter.) April O'Neil (The illegitimate daughter of Linus Torvalds, April was a perpetual college student with degrees in computer programming, art history and journalism. With no hopes of paying off her student loans, April turned to forging antiques and drug smuggling before meeting the turtles. The Shredder (The head of the New York SWAT team known as The Foot Clan who led the arrest.) Be-Bop (A mutated warthog who was deputized by Shredder, now he's really a pig.) Rocksteady (A mutated rhino who leads point on the battering ram.) Casey Jones (A postal gym coach who tries to kill the four turtles for ditching class, but later they are his drug dealers.) Usagi Yojimbo (A samurai rabbit from the edo period who at first befriends the turtles, but disembowels himself in shame after realizing their true nature.)

Raphael (is cool, but crude) Michelangelo (is a party dude) Baxter Stockman (A criminal ex air force drone engineer who hires April to help him with his smuggling operation, until Donatello replaces him as kingpin.) Karai (The Asian chick that looks like a man. She was put on the show to balance out the sexuality and have more than one female on the show.) Rat King (Homeless bandaged nut job who talks to rats.) Mona Lisa (A naked turtle chick who did all the Turtles, Splinter, Casey, April and even the Power Rangers.) Foot Soldiers An NYC SWAT team under Shredders command, popular among the people for relying on martial arts rather than drawing their guns. Splinter lied about them being robots to ease the guilt of killing them.) Rock Warriors (A short lived group of Krang's back up dancers.) Krang (A psychic rap genius from dimension XXX who knew the secret identity's of all the turtles and master splinter when he first met them. He came up with a rap song on the spot about the lean green fighting machines called the Ninja Rap.)

Intensive training

Being a ninja requires intensive and rigid training, so the Turtles were taught by Master Splinter. He was this really big raccoon with splinters all over him from an acupuncture accident. He taught them the art of war, but used them to try and advance his own position in the Foot Clan by murdering his rival The Shredder.

The Turtle's Broom Broom Mobile

Acting

Cartoon series (1988)

In 1986 the guys voiced themselves in a live action cartoon series. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder and meet some friends along the way.

The First movie

In 1990 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder.

Second movie

In 1992 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder.

Third movie

In 1992 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder. Just kidding, they go to feudal Japan where special effects hadn't been invented yet and fought The Shredder's great grandpa.

Fourth movie

Actually this one was different and they fought Aztec demons or something.

Nickelodeon Cartoon

In 2006 the guys voiced themselves in a cartoon series. The 4 Heroes in a half-shell fought the evil forces of The Shredder.

Michael Bay's new imagining, either that or a new sexual fetish no one outside of Japan understands?

Heroes no more

In 2012 the T.M.N.T where arrested on several charges of theft, manslaughter and underage driving without a license, just to name a few. The clan had plugged into a hospitals back up generator to power for their Hilton sized underground home. The turtles grew a lot of weed living in an underground aqueduct full of fertilizer.

Leonardo and Raphael's manslaughter

Leonardo and Raphael took down half a high school's worth of foot clan before realizing they had knives and weren't fighting robots like Samurai Jack. Donatello only had one acid barrel and after a while it got to be mostly meat slurry. Mikey tried feeding them to his pet Piranhas, which worked rather well until they mutated and had to fight Piranah gangsters. Casey Jones than helped them bury the rest underneath a football field; until some cops showed up and they let him take the heat.

Mikeys bank account wiped out

Michelangelo was arrested for mugging over 200 people. Mikey claimed they where all bad dudes, however. Each time he kicked a bad guys ass, he would steal their money which he later would spend on pizzas and Hawaiian shirts. Several accusations that Mikey also was addicted to phone sex arose.

Donatello's drug dealing

Police soon arrested Donatello for being the ring leader who causing a hospital blackout that killed 4 people. Donatello also sold drones to third world dictators and smuggled crystal meth across the boarder in an underwater turtle submarine.

Guilty Verdict

They're not teenagers anymore!

All 4 turtles where charged as being accomplices to several crimes, ranging from 1985 to 2012.

Leonardo tried to plead he was innocent, saying he had nothing to do with anything. He didn't even know he was doing anything wrong. But when being traced back to being a vigilante, things got worse for him. His defense was, "Sure, we kick bad guys butt a bit too hard and accidentally killed some people, and than we take their money, yet not as a reward, but as a way to live. It's not like we can go out and get jobs, just look at us; we may not be human, but we are alive, and we have hearts, and feeling, and you know..." Leonardo teared up, and continues, "Family is all we've got..." The entire courtroom teared up with him, even the judge. It looked like perhaps deep down, the turtles where not so bad after all.

They were executed by firing squad the next day, master splinter drank hemlock for his crime of corrupting the mutant reptile youth.

See also

• Michael Bay
• Teenagers
• Ninjas
• Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Tortoise