Pirate v. Ninja

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This article is about the court ruling. For the ongoing dispute, see Pirates versus Ninjas.

“ I'm a pirate”

~ Johnny Depp on Pirate v. Ninja

Pirate v. Ninja was a historical Supreme Court decision. The case was, as the name implies, a lawsuit between the Pirate and Ninja organizations. The result would determine which group of the beings would be considered more awesome for all eternity, and set a precedent for future cases in which the awesomeness of two things would be compared.

A ninja-in-training attempting to blend in at the court trial as a lampshade. Seems they need a bit more practise.


The conflict began in the year 1336; when one ninja, Alan E. Ninja, snuck aboard a pirate ship, the S.S. Rapemobile, docked in Wanghai, Japan. He hid aboard the ship until the vessel was a safe distance from shore, then, as the crew went to sleep, snuck out from hiding and broke the necks of several pirates. When he snuck into the captain's quarters, he took the ship's captain, Douglas Z. Pirate as a hostage, and refused to free him until he would admit that ninjas were, in fact, more awesome and generally cooler than pirates. Douglas immediately ran Alan through with his trusty cutlass, and set fire to the late ninja's dojo. Supporters of both sides argued intensely, until the entire debacle was brought before the United States Supreme Court.


After listening to all evidence and seeing several films and demonstrations, the decision came down to a four-four vote, and in the end, Oprah called upon the wisdom of the great sage, Howard Stern, who resolved the vote by declaring that pirates and ninjas are both equal and opposite, superior to all but a Ninja Pirate (or Pirate Ninja).

The Cowboy[edit]

And then a cowboy walked in, and everyone stared.

“ That Cowboy really had no business being here”

~ Captain Obvious on the Cowboy

Shortly afterward, everyone in the court ran at the bastard lightning fast and kicked the cowboy and his honky-tonk ass.

The Amazon[edit]

Then an Amazon came in and and everyone asked her out.

Effects of the Case[edit]

After the case, Ninjas were forever considered equal to Pirates in every way. Ninjas and Pirates were declared above the law, and could kill as they please. For legal damages, the Ninjas acquired the S.S. Rapemobile from the Pirates. They attached magical wings to the ship and flew around wherever they pleased in their new ship. While many people, especially in the South, continue to claim that pirates are cooler than ninjas, or vice versa, Ninjas and Pirates are now legally considered interchangeable in their awesomeness. Barney's Scale of Super-De-Duper Popularity has been altered to allow for both to occupy equal slots on the list, ranking just after Jessica Alba-related Pornography.