Ninja/Laws
Although ninjas are wise and powerful, there are several basic principles, known as Ninja Laws, that ninja behaviour has been found to follow. (It was exceedingly difficult to research these laws, so we hope you're happy. Fred got a shuriken in the throat.)
The Inverse Ninja Kill Law[edit]
In 1937 Dr Manplayer, most notable for his work in his alternative theory to Boyd's Law and for his services during the Second World War, set his mind upon the more pressing issues of the world, namely the rising Ninja problem and the untapped levels of awesomeness roaming freely around the world.
He travelled far and wide in search of the elusive Ninja, whose tales and legends were very prominent at the time (this was before the Ninja Secrecy Act was secretly acted out). By mere chance he accidentally ordered a hit on the cocktail waitress who refused to give him any discrete ball-play, which led him to witness his first Ninja kill (or rather he didn't witness it. She just kind of died and fell to the ground before splitting into two, causing an impressive blood display that spelled 'L.O.L' on the wall (this was before the internet, so it is assumed that Ninji can travel through time.)
Ninja Detection and Induction[edit]
Dr Manplayer knew that the only way to actually see the Ninja was if there were large numbers of them occupying the same region in space for a given period in time. He set to to work on his famous Ninja-Detector in 1938 and finished it in 1939. The famous Ninja-Detector or "film camera" as it came to be known, was used for the first time to detect a Ninja in 1940.
During the outbreak of the Second World War, the Ninjas declared themselves a neutral party and refused to take side on any part of the conflict, not because they were 'pussies' as a US congressman once said (before he mysteriously lost a major artery), but because no country back then could afford their intense fees (this was before the Great Ninja Depression). Dr Manplayer, however, was unperturbed knowing full well that all Ninja are not actually born, but are immaculately conceived, thus leading him to his greatest breakthrough of all: Insulting their mothers.
One fact which all Ninja are shyly ignorant of is that they do not have mothers, and thus didn't suckle on a bosom the moment they were conceived (like they would have you all believe). Because of this fact, it is a forbidden law in most countries to even discuss the topic, else be killed by a pact of emotional teary-eyed black figures.
The Event[edit]
Dr Manplayer of course, being a quick-witted and well adjusted individual, spread a vast rumour around that the daughter-of-the-waitress who also refused to offer him any ball-play, had called all of the Ninja's mothers 'poppycocks' and 'over-turned vests', thus breaking the Ninja truce. Dr Manplayer then set up his camera outside her bathroom window (where she just happened to be scrubbing her silky smooth body at the time) and waited.
On the 19 April 1940, Dr Manplayer witnessed a great shadow pass over him which merged into distinct three-dimensional shapes inside the girl's broken bathroom window (Ninja's can pass through glass, but they just didn't this time). What he saw that day was the biggest contribution to mankind since women agreed to the breast implant; he found a way to kill the Ninja:
The Ninja Kill Law Postulates and Derivation[edit]
In his 1941 paper "How To Kill a Ninja: A Tale of Discrete Ball-Play", Dr. Manplayer outlined the events of that fateful night where he witnessed multiple ninja fail to kill the girl for a measurable period of time.(He spent the first three glorious chapters discussing in immaculate detail what she had been doing in bathtub before the incident). The reason for their failure, he theorised, was due to the what he calls the 'Ninja Fallacy' where:
- Ninja are solitary creatures who are in total control of their actions and thus cannot harm one another.
- Each Ninja has it's own unique level of awesomeness.
- When Ninja do come into contact with one another, their unique levels of awesomeness compete, usually leading to a confrontation.
- If two Ninja were to fight each other, they would both come out perfectly unharmed due to the perfect sheer awesomeness of their movements. This creates a time delay.
- For X number of Ninja occupying a volume V, the competing levels of awesomeness would lead to Y confrontations.
- Thus a given number of confrontations, the time delay T between a kill increases.
Leading to the Inverse Ninja Kill Law: , where
The Ninja Kill Law[edit]
This formula translates roughly as;
The effectiveness of a group of Ninja is inversely proportional to the number of Ninja in the room at the time.
So for very large values of X and for very small values of V, the time delay T tends towards infinity, meaning that it is theoretically possible to kill a Ninja while they are busy engaging in perfectly symmetrical fighting with one other.
(Note: For each Ninja you kill, their effectiveness as a group will only increase. This is known as the 'Oh Shit' paradox.)
Law of Inverse Ninjutsu[edit]
The Law of Inverse Ninjutsu states that the strength, stealth, stamina, etc. of any one ninja is inversely proportional to the number of that type of ninja in the area.
Equation[edit]
NP=(NT/NN)+NN
NP is the total power of all ninjas, taking into account the Law.
NT is the total power of all ninjas, disregarding the Law.
NN is the total number of ninjas.
If NN=NT, then the effectiveness of ninja squads remains constant.
If NN>NT, then the effectiveness of ninja squads decreases.
If NN<NT, then the effectiveness of ninja squads increases.
NP is always less than NT.
Example[edit]
Let us take the Foot Ninja in their never-ending quest to kill the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Since the Foot inevitably appear in numbers up to thousands at one time, it follows that their individual power is relatively small.
So we can conclude:
Number of Ninjas = Weaker Individual Power
Therefore[edit]
There are four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. By the Law of Inverse Ninjutsu, they have substantially greater strength than the innumerable Foot Ninja.
From this, we can conclude that the FEWER ninjas there are, the stronger they become
This is why the loner, Po, in Kung Fu Panda was so filled with awesomeness.
Notes[edit]
Also note that small strike teams of Ninjas can be more effective than singular Ninjas. This is because the combined skill of a group of Ninjas can be enough that it offsets the Law of Inverse Ninjutsu. Once the group becomes too large, however, the Law causes the collective power to lower to the point where it's not worth adding more Ninjas.
Dissimilarity Paradox[edit]
The Dissimilarity Paradox, also known as the General Exclusion Principle or Red Shirt Effect, is closely related to the Law of Inverse Ninjutsu. The Dissimilarity Paradox states that the expendability of any individual is directly proportionate to the number of people in the area who look similar to that individual.
Here, expendability is defined as the difficulty of killing a person and the lack of sympathy when that person is killed.
The paradox lies in the fact that, in some cases, it may actually be easier to die the more armor you wear, if there are enough people nearby wearing that armor.
Example[edit]
For example, in the before mentioned best-known example of the Dissimilarity Paradox, in Star Wars: Clone Wars, General Kenobi’s expendability dropped significantly when he took off his clone helmet, despite the fact that he had been wearing a ragged cape at the time. This, combined with his extremely high survivability, as defined by the Law of Vitality to Plot, allowed his triumph over the nigh-invulnerable Durge.
It is interesting to note that against the same foe, 1000 Naruto clones are often easy dispatched while 4 Naruto clones usually Rasengan people in the face.
The law also does not apply to Space Marines, due to the fact that many of them do not actually speak maths. No matter how many Space Marines look the same, only orcs die.
Law of Emotional Attachment[edit]
This law is closely related to the general exclusion principal, in that the greater emotional attachment to that person (measured in EAS, of course), the more powerful the attachment target becomes, for example a nameless samurai at -3 HP and falling. He talks about his wife and children and is spontaneously revived, claiming to "get better". Sometimes ninjas scream, "Farewell, goodnight; last one out turn out the lights."
The Law of Ninja Half-Breeds[edit]
As stated earlier, ninjas are not born. This makes the instance of a half ninja only possible if a ninja is killed by another ninja. This being rare, it is believed that the awesomeness centered in one location in fact allows the two halves of the fallen ninja to attach to their new hosts. The awesomeness of the host is raised to the power of half of the original ninja. It is believed that the ninja who initial kill is obligated to destroy the new abominations.