HowTo:Create Laser Ninja Sharks

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Ever heard the story of the marine military base where several "unnamed sea mammals" were genetically modified and given flame throwers? They escaped and went RAMBO on a bunch of tourists. This led people to believe that if the government could do something, they could too (also the way that Canadia was captured by Switzerland during WW7). Here is the guide to following that logic.

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The most important things to have are a laser gun, and a shark. I'm sure that you already have these things, otherwise, you wouldn't be looking up this article. If not, check ebay. Other useful things include:

  • Rope
  • Water-Proof Glue
  • Duct Tape
  • A Staple Gun
  • A Bug Zapper
  • Large amounts of caffine/energy drinks.

Three Simple Steps[edit]

Step One: Surgery[edit]

The simpler method

Attach the laser rifle to the sharks head (dolphin if the shark is gay) in a way that it can reach the trigger with its teeth or "other body parts". You might try integrating it right into the sharks brain, but that is expensive and not recommended. It helps to tie the shark down, or have a large supply of CNS depressants, in which case you could be charged with drug trafficking.

Step Two: Training[edit]

After the rifle is in place, and there no clearly more visible stitches, you can begin teaching it to totally own things, whether that be boats, surfers, innocent bystanders, Japenese fishermen, terrorists, Randy Jackson, or other things. A good place to start is having it attack giant white blowfish, or democrats (hint: the bug zapper can be very useful at this point).

Note: This entire step can be avoided if your shark is one of the ones that resulted from "The Great Ninja/Hippie Orgy of '67".

Step Three: Pwnage[edit]


You should now have a fully trained ninja/shark (if not, ask a perverted dolphin trainer for "assistance"). We recommended selling your equipment anonymously and transporting it in a pick-up truck rented under a false name. Now go down to the east coast and do something (the west coast is for losers).


Never stand directly in front of the laser rifle, as they are generally unreliable, and tend to fire randomly.

If the shark gets ticked off at you, it may attack, with several possible results:

  • Loss of Balance
  • Loss of Consciousness
  • Loss of Electronic Equipment
  • Loss of Life
  • Loss of Identity
  • Loss of Credit
  • Loss of Appendages
  • Loss of Insurance
  • Loss of Virginity
  • Loss of Accounting Services
  • Loss of Constitutional Rights
  • Loss of I.Q.
  • Free appendix surgery

Note: If you are sued because of this, just say "The Russian government made me do it". Also, you can't sue us because another side-effect of shark attacks is Loss of Lawyers.

See Also[edit]