Minecraft
“I can't believe it's not butter!”
Minecraft is a sandbox-building independent video game written entirely in Java, created by Swedish professor Markus "I-can't-make-circles-or-other-shapes" Persson, after which he started a company to handle all the money rolling in, namely, "Mojang AB" (where it can be inferred that 'AB' denotes "All Blocks").
Persson began on the project after he decided that he had a deep yearning to create a game that was more boring than real life. Instead of, you know, making something that would actually benefit the world. At the time, he probably thought the project as small, insignificant. Little did he know that his creation would soon amass a mighty army of sheepish gamers that would never have a relationship or even know a life outside of Minecraft.
The game is mainly comprised of extremely pixelated blocks, gardening tools, inconsistent gravity, really ugly water and 12-year-olds who will spend every waking moment at this little game.
Gameplay
Minecraft is notorious in the gaming world for having absolutely no plot line, no variation in gameplay and no aim at all. All in all, it makes the game about as interesting as the math homework most of its players should be doing instead of playing it.
There are five game modes. Many a player dedicates his entire life starting flame wars to establish how one mode is definitely better than the other.
Survival
The primary mode of the game. In survival, Minecraft players have to remain alive, carving out a living from a cruel and pixelated environment. There's no plot, no nothing, just endless wandering in strange blocky world. Players generally spend the majority of their time mining for ores and sometimes crafting those ores into other stuff. It's all there in the title, to be honest. Minecraft - what did you expect?
This monotonous and tiring job, however, is very important. After all this hard work, you gain... the ability to mine and craft faster. Yes. It's a preposterously vicious cycle. It's so absurdly pointless, that many esteemed psychologists have hung up their coats and left the profession just trying to figure out why people find it fun.
Supporters point out, however, that there is a lot more to the game than just mining. Building, for example. When players take a break from all that mining and crafting, they are given the chance to create. Using stone, sand, metal, wood, and tools ridiculous over-sized pixels that resemble nothing they're supposed to, Minecrafters can construct pretty much anything they want, including the genre-mandated sandboxes. Then, once they have built it... well, that's all. They get a sense of accomplishment, and then they just head back down to continue mining.
I mean, seriously, if building had any importance, they would have called the game Minecraft-build. But they didn't. Deal with it.
Oh and don't forget the idiot mobs. I mean who makes a flying jellyfish that lives in hell and shoots fireballs out of its face, or the green walking dildo that is also a suicide bomber?
Variations of this game-mode include hardcore and adventure:
- Hardcore- Makes the player die a horrible death depending on the death experienced by the player in the game. Studies have shown that creeper deaths attribute to 95% of deaths of Minecraft players, and have been proven to be painless.
- Adventure- Really takes the "Mine" out of Minecraft. It restricts the ability to break blocks and only serves the purpose of griefer control. NOTE: This mode also takes the "Craft" out of Minecraft, as it is impossible to get materials to craft things without breaking blocks. This mode consequently makes Minecraft nothing as proven by this mathematical formula:
Creative
Same as survival, except all the mining and crafting has already been done for you. (You can get blocks to cause climate change.) So, pretty much pointless in every way.
Spectator
Added recently, this game mode makes the player a ghost who flies around and can possess other people to do unspeakable things. This is by far the most ownage game mode ever created.
Physics
Minecraft's science laws are so pathetically unrealistic, some have theorized that the game was solely developed as a 'fuck you' to real-world physics. The game operates in a world where only three four materials are affected by gravity, where you can carry 32 stacks of 64 cubic meters of cobblestone (which is 10,000 times denser than the core of the sun) and yet not be slowed down, where you can break something with a tool and it shrinks instead of breaking, where torches burn underwater, where people and animals and monsters can walk inside each other...
...and I haven't even mentioned the water and lava physics yet...
Enemies
On top of cross-eyed animals, Minecraft also has plenty of monsters hell-bent on either murdering you or just pissing you off.
Overworld
- Zombie- A green-skinned cloning experiment gone wrong. They enjoy nothing more than simply walking into you and does not deserve to live at all. They recently have been given the ability to wield weapons and armor.
- Skeleton- A skeleton that is trained in the art using an aimbot. If you see one, don't even think you can zig-zag away from its arrows, because it will hit you anyway.
- Spider- A giant spider that jumps at you and will damage you even if you hit it first. This is even worse when confronting its poisonous brother the cave spider, which will drain your health away in seconds.
- Creeper- The bane of every minecrafter's existence. These green suicide-bombing fuckers will destroy everything you worked so hard to build and instantly kill you! Whoever invented this vile monster deserves to be sent to the Nether himself.
- Enderman- Despite Notch's claims that they are totally not a racial stereotype against black people, it is a tall black creature that steals random blocks and attacks you if you look at it. Upon examination of the depths of the 10 lines of Java code governing the enemy, it shows that they may steal chicken and watermelons as well. (They also don't like to take baths)
- Endermite- A really bland and surprisingly rare enemy that is just a re-hash of the Silverfish.
- Witch- Also known as the meth lab operator, they live in small shacks in swamps and throw toxic drugs at you while they enhance themselves with other drugs.
- Silverfish- Little grey/gray bugs that pop out of blocks. These enemies are useful for nothing.
- Slime Cube- The true Minecraft MVP, they are cube-shaped and bounce around. There is the true essence of Minecraft in all its uncreative and lazy glory.
- The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog- The most powerful enemy in the game, this demonic beast is only subduable from the almighty power of the holy hand grenade. Has a 0.1% chance of spawning in place of a regular rabbit.
- Guardian- Cyclops fish that are enlisted at protecting the treasure of Atlantis from intruders. They are impossible to kill because of their overpowered death laser attack and uncanny ability to swim faster than Aquaman.
- Elder Guardian- Same as a guardian, but with more HP and attack power.
Herobrine - A legend long forgotten, never existed, but still ends up here
Nether
- Zombie Pigman- Rotten pork chops that carry gold swords and brutally attack anybody who attacks one of their brothas.
- Ghast- A floating ghost/jellyfish that enjoys firing explosive balls at innocent bystanders, crying blood and screaming like a vampire
- Magma Cube- Same as a slime cube, but made out of lava. 'Cause EVERY game has to have lava!
- Blaze- Demonic floating fire spirits made out of metal that shoot fireballs. Their only weakness is snowballs, who knew?
- Wither Skeleton- Taller and blacker skeletons that carry stone swords. They suck the life out of whoever they touch.
Bosses
- Ender Dragon- An unexplained black dragon that flies around The Moon. It is the father of all endermen and flies around the stage and stands in one spot while the player ruthlessly hacks away at its body. It drops a fuck-ton of experience points upon its death.
- Wither- A triple-headed demon from Hell that spams explosive heads at the player, inflicting AIDS and every other STD at the same time and killing said player within five seconds. He is summoned in a satanic ritual involving severed heads from wither skeletons and hopeless souls infused in sand. The only effective methods for defeating the Wither is by using unconventional methods such as dropping anvils on its head or suffocating it.
- Giant- An all-powerful being with 300 health points. If you kill it though, it would drop 5 dead bushes, and one experience point. The Giant boss fight has yet to be added, due to currently being very unrewarding to slay, and that it would quickly end any Hardcore game.
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Structures
Besides the monotony of just jungles and caves, there are a few structures meant to aid in your exploration in the world, but unfortunately they makes the world worse, given the bad designs of the following structures...
- Village - Called 'hueh' by those inhabited there, the villagers welcome you. You are free to stay, make a bed, destroy the houses, take all their crops, kill some of them and scam them out of their items before moving on. However, as always, a good place to return and take shelter, and the villagers are still happy to welcome you.
- Zombie Village - Those inhabited there are a bit different from normal villagers. For one thing, they are green instead of brown. By then if you realised it, it is too late. Much less welcoming than a normal village.
- Desert Temple - A bad imitation of what the Egyptians called the 'pyramids'. For one thing, you don't find a tomb; there is only one treasure room. Land carefully and you get bombed by TNT, thanks to a pressure plate conveniently placed there at the middle of every temple. Thankfully, this is not called a pyramid.
- Jungle Temple - Nothing like remains of an ancient civilisation - there are no dead bodies here. Instead, you get a puzzle, which I recommend taking a load of TNT to bomb you way through, and better be careful of arrows suddenly shooting at you. All that for two chests.
- Dungeon - A proper battle room. To get two chests of nothing, fight through zombies/skeletons/spiders/ etc.
- Ocean Monument - A long forgotten Atlantis, probably much beautiful, but too well-protected by guardians and pufferfish who are not so friendly with looters. See what are guardians are in the previous section.
- Woodland mansion - The surface version of Ocean Monument, which is made of wood (of course). See Ocean Monument. Just expect less water and evil clones of villagers ready to strike.
- Stronghold - The place where you reach the End of your journey. Technically, once you enter this black hole you find in this place, you will never return, alive... Great to start a nice adventure from the boredom of mining.
- Mineshaft - Nothing fun, since much of the mining has been done for you. The fun only starts when you get lost...
- Witch hut - Given the fact where the witch lives, this place has all the drugs you need. Call it a hut, but it is a warehouse for drugs you can sell.
- Igloo - Since when does an igloo have an underground chamber? Those eskimos really have things to hide. Really, imprison a villager and a zombie villager? What will make the eskimo imprison them? How did he do it?...
Graphics
At its creation, Minecraft was run in a highly laggy 1 TB of fail. Over the years it has gradually become more reliable, as Mojang improved it in various areas - speed, variety in materials, gameplay, etc. They seemed to leave out one crucial area, though... the graphics.
Lazily simple, and shockingly pixelated, Minecraft's graphics are a divisive issue. Many people argue that the style is unique, and the game just wouldn't be the same without it. In other words, they're trying to hide the fact that it's a complete failure in every way.
Why do the creators choose to stick with such a terrible look? Why, instead of a smooth surface, does there have to be gigantic pixels that make up the environment?? Well, that really is the question, ain't it. One idea is that it's cheaper and easier to program that way, which is a complete load of crap if you ask me. I mean, c'mon; Mojang cashes in big time from people who pay a buttload to buy the game, so why money is such a large concern here? And easier programming? Seriously, they have the best developers working on it!
Spinoffs
2D Minecraft
Terraria, also known as 2D Minecraft, is a version of Minecraft that has been ported to run on flatscreens, that lack the ability to display three-dimensional graphics. Here the goal is practically the same: chop down a tree, build a house, fight the dark lord Cthulhu, and maybe ride a rollercoaster.
2D Minecraft 2: Electric Boogaloo
Terraria Otherworld was yet another project that was given up on. Being a ripoff of a ripoff of a cube simulator, this game had one advantage, it was marketable to children thinking it's going to be any different. Scrapped in 2018, there is no hope for it ever being resurrected.
2D Minecraft in space
Starbound, also known as 2D Minecraft in space, is a version of Terraria, but whose setting is in space. Instead of having a single house as a base, the player now has a spaceship, that allows for interstellar travel. Each planet is different, in the sense that the ground and monsters have a different color, to make it seem as if the engine is capable of doing miracles. Support for this project ended in 2016, but there is still a community eager to simp over granny Esther.
Reception
Critical
While many have criticized the game due to its grinding repetitiveness and the utter and total defiance to any-world physics, others praise it because it passes the time, keeps the kiddies occupied and is one of very few games that really exercise the imagination of its players (except every single other create-and-design game ever made). Most of all, though, it has been applauded due to its amazing ability as a contraceptive. Namely, it can turn the most sexually favored male into an anti-social, basement dwelling retard.
Maybe not the most orthodox use of a Java game, but it's effective...
Hell
Who makes Hell in a kids' game? I mean seriously this game is for little kids. And how in the land of holy shit do 14 cubic meters of obsidian and fire make a portal to hell? And then the fracking blaze... I mean what the hell is a floating mass of bronze (or what I think is bronze) and fire and how does the thing fly!?
Commercial
Minecraft is one the most widely-purchased PC games of all time, having currently been purchased by over 9 trillion people, and in the process making over 30 kasquillion dollars (or about 20 kasquillion Euros). This is the result of staggeringly high numbers of dull, addicted gamers; nerds, basement dwellers, Canadians, and basically any other knuckle scrapers with money. And if you think you know what addicted means... think again. These people get more enjoyment out of finding a diamond ore than most people get out of a long-lasting relationship. They feel more grief when they lose that diamond ore than most people feel when they lose that relationship. And to top it off, whereas most people spend an average of 20 hours a day with their aforementioned relationship, Minecrafters spend like fifty hours a day on the game. I know, fifty hours a day.
That's a lot.
It's like they all fear that if they leave the game for even a second, it may spontaneously combust. It's more likely, however, that they fear they may actually get distracted by the call of real life, which may force them to reflect on all those hours they could have seen on superior sites like Bookface or Uncyclopedia. It is a looming menace to every lonely user that they might realize they have wasted their life, spiraling further down into society than the neighborhood bum, eventually taking the appearance of your stereotypical gamer with absolutely no chance at marriage, sex, sense of accomplishment, or a true and fulfilling lifestyle.
Why are people so drawn to endless mining and crafting, you ask? Psychologists have puzzled over the elusive answer to this question for years now. Many say that is because people wish to escape their boring lives, to live in a world where they have complete freedom. But it's a strange thing to say, really.
Because if they're trying to escape boredom, then Minecraft is the last place you'd go.
See also
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