Ip Man
| Ip Man | |
 | |
| Real name | Yip Man |
| Born | 1893 |
| Died | 1972 |
| Species | Homo Erectus |
| Martial Art | Wing Chun |
| Rank | Grandmaster |
| Race | Chinese |
| Punching speed | 1208 p/ps. |
| Abilities | Spanking naughty boys with a rattan stick, killing Goliath by a single temple-poke, beating up 10 karatekas at once without getting hit, etc. |
| Origin | China |
| Wife | Lara Croft |
Ip Man is the most destructive man ever created by justice. He is best known for teaching Bruce Lee on how to fight and take down Chuck Norris with his bare hands. He has been also known for his ability to fight like a little girl, which in turn made him 20 times stronger than an average man, which is also the reason why there are so many homosexuals these days.
History[edit]
Ip Man was born somewhere in China, at the time before Mao Zedong was born. After birth, his teacher, the old man down the street, taught him a different kind of Kung Fu, where he must fight and act like a lady in order to destroy anyone trying to touch him. He worked as a smoker of all kinds of opium, and his addiction to heroin was supported by his own students in his future, so that he can support smoking throughout the world and everyone dying of throat cancer and rocky lungs. He met his first girlfriend, Lara Croft, disguised as Agent 47, where he encounters a police man who grabs the latter's titties. In his rage, Ip Man kicks the dude's shins and then punches his balls repeatedly, rips it off his crotch and finally finishing him off with a machete in the groin. They escape, and then became rich after selling those balls for $300,000,000 to a rich testicle collector, who is fond of human balls that time until the invention of castration in 1938.
After earning a shitload of cash, Ip Man sells out Abraham Lincoln's mansion and then immediately fucks his manly wife (not naked, but already intercourse) and had a son named Gautama Buddha, who will soon invent Buddhism. Ip Man then fought a man by the name of Agent Smith in his house, breaking some of Pia Ikea's expensive furniture, which she gave to Ip Man for free because it's his birthday present. During the fight, Smith cheated by using his sword that he took out from his ass and then tried to kill Ip Man, but he fought back by using nothing but a banana. After being spanked on the ass, which made him shit himself, Smith vows vengeance so that he can eat tofu once more.
War[edit]
Ip Man participated in the war as a Canterlot Royal Guard (Who is in fact the only one who didn't take an arrow to the knee), but he has more trust on the outlaws than justice that time because of corruption. The general, who is named "Miura", then made a challenge for the martial artists all around Foshan and told them that anyone who challenges a Karateka in the ring (and survives/wins) will earn a bag of shit to eat. Ip Man joined them, but he saw his B.B.B.F.F. die of AIDS (after getting shot on the face by Sato (who always loves to open fire for no apparent reason)) inside the match. In his rage, he opened the gate so he can enter, and after that he realizes that his other B.B.B.F.F. got beaten up to death by the general. Unable to hold his rage any longer, he demands a catfight against 10 bulky bouncers who were masters of Karate and cooking. Despite being a 10 pound elderly weakling with titanium hands, be was fast and strong enough to beat them up.
The result of the fight was the following:
- Ip Man - bleeding fists
- Karatekas
- One man with a broken arm
- 2 men with broken legs
- One man unable to breathe with a shattered ribcage
- 3 men with a clogged windpipe/broken neck
- 2 men with emotional and social problems
- One man, almost dead, with a loose nose bone and extreme brain hemorrhage.
The general got excited and wanted to fight Ip Man later on, and gives him 20 bags of roadkill, but Ip Man will only give the bag o' shit to the AIDS victim's family as a sign of his generosity. After being absent for a month, the general looks for Ip Man by harassing his family, but he easily beats Sato and his tiny army up by damaging his CPU and breaking their micro processing units. When Ip Man went to see a friend's company and his workers, who were recently beaten up by Agent Smith and his clones, he taught them Wing Chun. Agent Smith returns, and were beaten up by the workers easily. Ip Man came in time to avoid more havoc being wreaked and then beaten up the Smith clones with his girly prowess. He tells them to never return.
The general arrives with Sato, now handicapped, with an army of nut crackers (to support the steampunk army). He asks Ip Man to teach sissy catfight techniques to the Japanese so they will be the strongest army of the entire world, even stronger than the Undertaker and Tony Jaa combined. He refuses unless he fights the general. The round starts, they seem equal to each other, but then Ip Man's very quick hands and puny little arms were too strong for Miura's body to bear.
The result of the fight was the following:
- Ip Man - Bruised face and broken knuckles
- Miura - Liquified ribcage, bleeding spleen, cluster headaches, liver failure, tissue cancer, broken jaw, Super AIDS, and addiction to sodomy.
After that, the disappoint Sato shot Ip Man on his knee with an arrow for the first time, shattering the fabric of space-time continuum. Li Zhao, a policeman and a friend of Ip Man, shot Sato's neck with a zip gun in disguise of a dildo. Brian of Nazareth lifts Ip Man's body and delivers it to Pizza Hut to secretly deliver his living body and family (inside a box) to Hong Kong, where he will teach Bruce Lee how to fight like a real woman.
Even more war[edit]
During the events of Red Alert 3, Ip Man's new home is under attack by the British Empire. He built a Wing Chun school out of mud, sand, water and straw. FASTER! After building his first school, which is actually a piece of wood with glue to stick it together (I know, he got poor after the war), Ip Man lured several children to coming to his school, which they want to fight him in. After getting a sore nose, they immediately joined him and became his new allies. Numbers soon rise, along with his penis size, as he makes out with his wife once again. There, her belly grew 3 sizes that day, and then asploded earns her second son, Muhammad Ali, who shall become the most badass killing machine of America, before he got infected with Parkinson's disease. While happy with her new son, Ip Man was away, fighting Goliath, on a boxing match. Ip Man's body was too weak for Goliath's gigantic fist, but Ip Man knows a weakness, and writes Goliath's name on the Death Note while simultaneously punching his face like your sister fighting your ex-girlfriend for being a bitch.
The result of the fight was the following:
- Ip Man - Bruised and extremely deformed face (managed by plastic surgery later after the match)
- Goliath - Terminal bleeding of the anus (because he shit himself, despite being hit on the face so many times)
Everyone in china was happy that Ip Man had beaten up the giant racist slob. Ip Man gave a speech that everybody should be black so that there will be no racists. Ip Man was then asked what to do after that. He responds with "I wanna go home and have more hot sex with my wife".
More lost parts of his history[edit]
Sadly, My Neighbor Cthulhu won't tell me any more about Ip Man's past, though he's now friends with Pinkie Pie and yet she ain't tentacle raped... Yet. No worries, if Ip Man 3 is released, we'll know what happens next.
Death[edit]
Even more bad news (which people won't care about, since he already died a long time ago), Ip Man suffered Throat Cancer and died instantly because God got tired of his almost murderous actions. It's probably because he thinks he's immortal because he practiced Wing Chun a lot and that no one can kill him. He also forgot how to breathe because he was so busy sparring with Bruce Lee.
Legacy[edit]
Because of his fighting prowess that came from a woman, many other people learned Wing Chun until they get their cutie marks. His sons still live today, and do what they do best. Buddha achieved nirvana and became a statue of gold and never turned normal for eternity, while Muhammad Ali still sits there and watch My Average Sized Human on Squidward's new television besides Silver Spoon, who is eating Cereal Killers™. Bruce Lee takes credit from Ip Man for being taught Wing Chun to fuck Chuck Norris up, which made him a villain to the poor Chuck and to all.
British People now practice Wing Chun (as many of the schools are actually Gay Pubs) so that they'll boast about being the strongest and the most badass people in society. That's how Sherlock Holmes became not only a smart detective, but also a deadly street fighter.