Parkinson disease
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This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
Parkinson Disease, is a debilitating neurological condition believed to originate in a remote and culturally backward region of the British Isles named Yorkshire, an area otherwise notable for its mass murderers. The condition’s cardinal symptom is an obsessive compulsion towards interviewing. It was first diagnosed in British Talk-Show host Michael Parkinson, and is named after Bill Taylor, the son of a parking attendant in Saltburn-On-Sea, who first recognised the condition in the early 70’s.
Cardinal Symptoms[edit]
Physicians recognise Parkinson Disease through the presentation of the following cardinal symptoms:
- Compulsive interviewing
- Obsession with celebrities and being associated with celebrities
- An irrational hatred of Meg Ryan
- Pronounced Northern English accent
- Regular spurious claims to know one’s mother
- Excessively pronounced jowls
The symptoms are progressive and debilitating. No cure has yet been found, but the symptoms can be curtailed by isolation from other individuals for protracted periods of time or continuous exposure to footage of, articles about, or the actual, Meg Ryan.
Language Problems[edit]
Aside from the cardinal symptoms of Parkinson Disease, one of the easiest symptoms to spot in a sufferer, is their propensity...if it indeed can be said...to talk in long and directionless sentences in what one could call...a gruff and practical, and you know almost beautiful in its own way: northern accent. That's not to say that what is being said is without merit...just that...when all is said and done...it could have been said... with less of the 'words' and thus unarguably: a whole lot quicker.
Creeping Northerness[edit]
It's understandable perhaps, or indeed perhaps it is not...that sufferers of Parkinson disease need to remind you constantly...that they're not from Britain...in fact not even from England...but are from the wondrous place...that haven of good honest values...Yorkshire.
And of course it would most definitely not be sufficient to just mention this occasionally or reserve it for circumstances when someone asks you "What county are you from?", the county of origin of a Parkinson Disease victim, is constantly relayed in every nook and cranny of everyday conversation. Yorkshire...Yorkshire......Yorkshire.
Knee Touching[edit]
Parkinson disease suffers, unlike many others, have an uncontrollable, compulsive urge to place their hand on the knees of members of their fairer sex that they’re in conversation with. Sufferers believe this to be innocent but this symptom can be perceived as a sign of perversion or sexual deviation.
Jimmy Savile[edit]
The famous British DJ, presenter, charity fundraiser and pervert is believed to have suffered from an unusual variation of Parkinson Disease where the underlying disease, mixed with a pathological propensity towards violence led to an exaggerated version with the cardinal symptom being excessive touching, eventually progressing to rape and necrophilia. This variant is sometimes referred to as “evil fucking bastard syndrome”.
Hunt for a Cure[edit]
Unfortunately, as we stand here today of all days, there’s still no cure for this crippling disease. That’s not to say of course, that there isn’t a concerted effort…indeed a brave and wonderful effort, to find one. It's just, as many have said before of course...some who are no longer with us...that you can't break an egg, or indeed anything with a yoke in it, which people will often argue, limits you to eggs, with, what is often called by the ruling class...a sledgehammer.
Current Research[edit]
It's interesting what is said above about a sledgehammer, because I would like to ask, if we are indeed trying to break an egg or nut with a sledgehammer or something...entirely...different...maybe even something more suited to a task like the edge of a saucepan, in the case of the nut or a nut-cracker in the case of the egg...or vice versa. In fact research as it is...it would be fair to say...is limited by both time and resources...much like an earlier record by the same composer, but this time with the original conductor from the much celebrated performance in Berlin in 1949 just four years before the Second World War would start in earnest for the second time, very much in the tradition of the original author, who would use a more classical edwardian style, previously mentioned, I think by the great Mohammed Ali.