HowTo:Win a war

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
HowTo
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
An early problem for many war-seekers.

You don't win a war with the United States. Too many people nowadays dont have the right technique to do anything, let alone win a war. But, no one knows how EASY it is with the right "help". But to win a war is more then just bomb the shit out of everyone. Explanation below.

Choose a Character[edit]

Before you can even think of war, you must be a person that people can recognize, trust etc. Many famous leaders had a moustache and/or a good posture. Obviously, people love moustaches and therefore YOU must grow one. That will increase your Charisma with 5+! Other characteristics YOU must get are:

  • A nice uniform, so that you are better then them.
  • A loud voice, so that you can scream really high.
  • A really angry face to scare off your enemies.
  • A Ph.D.
  • A cool haircut or no hair at all.
  • An evil laugh.
  • A group that your citizens must hate and therefore destroy (Jews for traditionalists, or mayber "infidels" or "outsiders" for a more general war path)
  • Somebody to plan everything out for you (all war leaders are dumbasses)

The Politics[edit]

Ok, you've got the style but if you have no power, winning a war may be hard. You should first get a lot of money. This way, you can bribe your way up as the leader of a political party. If you have no money/not enough money, you can do it the hard way. Get into the army and get wounded, get a medal, leave the army and THEN get into politics. People will feel sorry for you and vote for your party during an election. But you must also choose a name for your party. The name should make people feel safe and happy, so no words like "war", "nazi" or "McDonalds". The name could include words like "happy", "safe" or "Stalin". When your party is formed you should choose a number of things that your party stands for. These could be:

If you are not planning on being elected to start a war and want to instigate an uprising, contact the United States Anti-Communist Organization. They will send you money and enough guns to kill every person on the planet at least twice (8 times if they line up). Make sure you at least claim to be anti-communist when applying for this grant; any hint of communism will earn you a one way ticket to Gitmo buddy!

The Beauty of War. And the girl is not bad either.

It's now the Fun starts![edit]

Ok, lets assume that you control your country. You have absolute power and everyone loves you. It's time to bomb somebody! But first, your counrty must have:

(You can get all the weapons mentioned above from Russians)

If you have all these items,

CONGTATULATIONS!

You now have everything you need to Start a War, but do you have the balls to win one?

Win A War[edit]

Begin with weak countries! Don't feel sorry for them, they probably deserves it. Good countries that you should invade first are:

But remember, NEVER invade Russia! Atleast not in the winter. When you have invaded the countries mentioned above, you have the ability to invade:


In any terms, please, try to avoid invading the following countries:

The Big Finale[edit]

Lets assume that everything is going fine. Make sure that you have all the weapons/tanks/food etc. Cause the next step is to TAKE OVER THE US AND A! The first thing you should do is to nuke New York, Washington, San Francisco, Chicago, Las Vegas and Area 51. This way, they will have no idea what to do next. Of course, most of the country will be a barren wastland with horrible mutants and hillbillies. Other methods are to replace the President monkey with a monkey president. You could also bribe your way into Dictatorship, but that could be expensive. When you have taken over America, your Empire is complete and YOU have won The War.

After the War[edit]

Well, Congratulations, you just kicked the entire world's ass or you have bribed everyone to kiss yours. What will you do now with your vast wealth of nuclear weapons, cash, and fresh hookers?

Now is the time to start becoming Paranoid of people and their "loyalty". Did you make any enemies? Did you cause anything for the people of your conquered countries to stage a bloody coup? If you answered yes then get on the nearest helicopter, fly away to the farthest imaginary island that you can think of (Provided you haven't bombed it straight to hell yet), and pray to whatever god you normally worship, it's in his\hers\its hands\tentacles\feelers\noodles now. If you don't have a god, consider making one up.

See also[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=HowTo:Win_a_war&oldid=6118807"