HowTo:Survive Arkham Asylum
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“Fuck Alcatraz, Arkham Asylum is where it's at; the moneys and the honeys.”
“And so he was all like 'why so serious'? And I was like 'I told you I don't like dolphins, their all rapists. Now get away from me you fucking cracker ass clown, don't make me cut you with my sharp wit!'”
“Christ on a stick, what the fuck happened to your face? What the fuck man, did you shove your head into flippin toaster or something?”
“Here's a riddle for you, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Here, let me give you a hint.”
So You and Your Homeboys Are Robbing Gotham Bank...[edit]
trying to cop some quick cash. Everyting is goin poifect. The hostages are pissin dairs pants, and da coppas is scratching their fucking big fat heads tryins to figure out how they can possibly get to yeahs. The money's in da bag and yous about to make your Great Escape when suddenly this freak wearing a cape and tight black spandex pants falls out of da fucking sky. Your first thought: Oh shit it's Batman, we're screwed. But wait, its six against one, he can't possibly win, right? Dead fucking wrong. You and your friends get a first-hand demonstration of what would happen if Bruce Lee and Jack Bauer were combined into one person and injected with steroids. Your last thought before your head is shoved up your ass: Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that burrito, I wish I had my old job at Taco Bell back.
So, What's This Guide For?[edit]
This guide was made specifically for people like you, who are too stupid to see that fucking with Batman is a BAD IDEA. So now you wake up wondering where the hell you are, and all you see are three big guys with clown faces, armed with knives and chainsaws looking down at you. Now for your first test: You are:
- in your Grandmother's house
- in Southeast Nevada
- in Arkham Asylum
- at Famous Dave's
Being a supreme dumbass, you immediately assume that you are at Famous Dave's. This, of course, is wrong. You are actually in Arkham Asylum, currently in severe danger of being gangbanged by a group of homicidal clowns. Unless your name happens to be Bobby or Lesley, this will most certainly not be a wonderful experience for you. In this case, there is really only one thing to do:
RUN FUCKER, RUN![edit]
All right, so it took fifteen minutes of intense sprinting, but you finally managed to ditch those fucking clowns after a couple laps around the courtyard. Now, ask aguard for permission to piss and enter the bathroom on the left and lock the door behind you. Not really the cleanest place in the world, but at least it's safe (in this case, safe is used in a very loose fashion). Now, pull that large textbook labeled How To: Survive Arkham Asylum out of your ass cavity and begin reading.
Survival Guide:Chapter 1[edit]
Hello criminal, and welcome to Arkham Asylum. Since you are reading this book, it is safe to assume that you were thrown into this fine establishment by that asshole Batman. If this is the case, it is logical to infer that your IQ is somewhere below the square root of negative zero since you actually thought you could beat the Caped Crusader (every smart person in the world knows that this is impossible unless you happen to be a certified member of the Justice League of Jesus). In order to make it possible for idiots like you to fully comprehend the things said in this guide, there are a plethora of externally enhanced diagnostic images as well as large quantities of complex verbal language that is very difficult to understand. It is imperative that you complete this book before exiting the bathroom or else you will suffer from an extreme case of death.
Arkham Asylum was originally created to be a senior's home, until Batman (who as a big business man has the mayor of Gotham City in his pocket) got an inspirational idea that would help cut down on the high crime rate. They decided to throw all the criminals into a drug treatment center and allow them to kill all the junkies whiles being treated for murder addiction. When criticized about the morality of his decision housing prostitutes on speed together with The Joker, The Dark Knight said: "I too was against the idea of idly standing by and allowing them to kill homeless kitten huffers. Then, I read an article from the Uncyclopedia Journal of Psychology that informed me that scientists have made a profound discovery. Psychologists have recently come to the conclusion that all crime is really just a mental illness that can be eradicated like polio with the right words and pills, and that mass murderers and rapists deserve free healthcare." Thus, Arkham Asylum was born.
Survival Guide:Chapter 2[edit]
First of all, let us introduce you to the people who run Arkham Asylum (aka, the dudes you should not fuck with).
1. The Joker-As a young boy, the Joker aspired to be a clown. Unfortunately, he was rejected many times due to the fact that everyone he met called him mentally unstable (which is the fancy medical term for FUCKING BONKERS). At some point in his life, The Joker acquired an intense passion for green eggs and ham, which led to his decision to break into a meat processing plant and create cackling green headed Joker Chickens and white faced Joker Pigs with big red clown noses, only those government goons over at the FDA found an unacceptable level of chemicals that make you go crazy. Today, The Joker resides in Arkham Asylum and has recently hired Two-Face as his lawyer, who was kind enough to give him a half price discount. You see the Joker is pissed that Monsanto can just insert a couple of fish genes into a tomato, copyright it and sell it as something new; but when he finds a new way to cure ham and cook eggs he get's caged like some kind of animal just because a few hundred innocent lives are lost, what hypocrisy! In summary, The Joker is an insane clown with green hair and a lethal joy-buzzer, and is therefore classified as extremely dangerous, and hilarious.
2. Hugo Strange-This guy is also crazy, and is similar to hospital founder Amadeus Arkham himself in abusing his position of authority over his patients, except for the whole dressing up as his dead mom thing. He is best known for injecting his patients, mostly drug addicted women, with large dosages of experimental hormones, turning them into steroidal 15 foot tall giants to satisfy his criminal and sexual illnesses. Not much is known about this character as he is skilled in misleading psycho analysis, except that at the age of four he was accused of killing his mother, whose name was Lois. The police found the body in Hugo's room, but when questioned about it Hugo told police he knew nothing as to where the body came from. Later police found Hugo's diary, which included an entry which described how Hugo had killed his mother along with a video recording of the incident. Two days later, the court proclaimed Hugo not guilty due to insanity from having a controlling mom who would make him dress as his dead sister, and forced him to attend ballet classes and modeling shoots dressed that way. His mothers sense of nursery decoration was strongly influenced by Frida Kahlo, particularly her use of her deceased children as art, making Hugo's mobile out of his older sisters plastic covered bones so that as a baby he could have his older sister looking down on him from heaven and descend with the pull of a string when he was bad. However Gotham being the liberal city that it is allowed him to continue to practice medicine as soon as the mental diseases of blackmail, kidnapping and robbing banks he had were cured, as determined through Arkham Asylum's empirically meaningless predictions of future behavior and unfalsifiable psychological scientific assessments. Nowadays he's mostly there to remind Batman of his origins as a Sherlock Holmes fanboy, Strange his Moriarty.
3. The Riddler-This super villain is a grade A loser. His head is so full of trivial information he could be a Wikipedia editor and walks around with a pimp cane. There really isn't anything else to say about this guy...at least The Penguin has the ability to shoot poisonous substances out of his umbrella, though really that's just standard issue KGB stuff.
4. Mr.Freeze-This is the coolest villain ever (literally). He was once a regular Joe ice cold six pack specializing in cryonics until one day during an experiment, a freak accident occurred that would change Dr. Victor Fries' life forever. It was a bright, sunny day and Victor Fries and his assistant were doing what they normally do on bright, sunny days: experimenting with extremely volatile chemicals and subzero temperatures in the basement just for fun. After completing yet another freeze gun for hunters to keep their kills extra fresh, Victor turned to his assistant and said "do not press that red button that says do not press this button over it." Suddenly, Victor's assistant slipped on some ice on the floor from a coffee spill too close to a container of liquid nitrogen. On the way down, his pencil slipped from his hand and flew 70 feet across the room, and knocked over an empty bottle of soda. The bottle of soda fell off its shelf, and landed directly on a trampoline below. As it bounced back up, it made contact with a bowling ball, which rolled directly up to the red button and mashed it down. At that exact moment, Victor's wife accidentally fell down the stairs as she was bringing him a bowl of gazpacho and flew across the room, landing directly in front of the freeze gun, and was frozen. At this point in time, Thomas Edison had not yet invented fire, so there was no way to unfreeze her. Victor was so filled with anguish over his wife's death, that he made it his lifelong goal to kill Batman (who was in no way related to the incident). Still, he is one of Batman's more polite villains, always telling people to have an ice day.
5. Poison Ivy-When we say do not fuck with this bitch, we mean it literally. If she so much as looks at you, make like a tree and leaf, don't fall for her tricks. However, if you don't mind losing your wood permanently, then by all means, fuck her like there's no tomorrow, because you'll be dead in five minutes. For those of you who can't live for four seconds without sexual intercourse, see Harley Quinn on page 28.
Chapter 3: Things to do in Arkham Asylum[edit]
There are many activities to participate in, all of which are implemented to help reform and educate the criminally insane so they will not have to turn back to their old ways if Batman ever begins to feel any sort of mercy and decides to release these mental patients before they rot in this God forsaken hellhole.
1. Killing people-This activity is very common in Arkham Asylum as it is very satisfying. There are a number of ways to do this, including: stabbing, throwing people into trash cans, setting others on fire, banging peoples head mercilessly into the toilet, smuggling in the parts to a chainsaw, etc.
2. Plotting to destroy Batman-Some people just never learn, that's probably why they are in an asylum, there's no better way to make friends with psychopaths than a mutual enemy. These plots are numerous and often very violent and needlessly convoluted, for example: shoving dangling Batman over a giant novelty garbage disposal, having Henchmen dressed as farm hands run him over repeatedly with a John Deere tractor, causing the Batmobile to lose control with some bananas, bouncing on Batman's head, an exploding android orphan, castrating him with a pack of wild hyenas and a jar of peanut butter, and more! These plots are not recommended as they always fail as you will inevitably walk off assuming your death trap worked when you should have just shot him, than again if you could think clearly you probably wouldn't be in this place, would you.
3. Trying to climb over the big wall-Many people have tried to climb over the big wall and escape from Arkham Asylum. Many means such as ropes, ice picks, and standing on other people's heads have all been used to no avail. Obviously, these people are unaware of the existence of ladders or the magical portal known as The Revolving Front Door. Or you could just wait a couple weeks to be declared sane as some scruple less psychologist tries to artificially inflate their treatments success rate to get a grant.
The End[edit]
You are now ready to exit the bathroom and officially begin your stay at your new home Arkham Asylum. Remember all that this guide has taught you, and you might make it out of here with your Mc Nuggets or Egg Mc Muffins still intact and not get sterilized in the showers.