“Oscar Wilde is perhaps the last remaining Homo erotic in existence. Many young men seek to emulate him, but their thin façades are — to the experienced — just that.”
Homo erotic is the scientific name given to the hominid species that lies between Homo erectus and Homo sexual in the chart of human evolution. H. erotic is estimated to have inhabited earth from 1.54290 million years ago to 1.54289 million years ago. This era was known as the Renaissance. They have since interbred with the Spartans to create Homo Sapiens, the species between.
Recent excavations confirm trends in the bone structure of this species. A skull, found last year in Africa, displays the archetypal aristocratic cheekbones and full, pouty lips. In Australia, bones discovered in a swamp provide evidence of rock-hard pecs and a nice, pert ass.
Further physical characteristics of H. erotic:
- Strong, shapely legs.
- A muscular back.
- Long, thick fingers.
- A slim waist.
- A fucking fabulous six-pack.
- A tubular tube "thingy".
Archaeologists agree that it walked upright with a cocksure swagger. Males of the species were incredibly virile and possessed a brooding magnetism and raw sexuality. They could have seduced You, Your Dad and even Josey Wales.
As yet, no female remains have been found.
H. erotic is thought to have been a partciularly sociable species. Males cohabited in groups of two or more, often forming packs in order to hunt.
The artistic talents of H. erotic are well-documented. Their primitive tile art (known as mosaic) is ubiquitous in the caves and palazzos of Italy.
H. erotic forged primitive weapons and tools from various natural materials, and are thought to have invented the following:
These tools were often made of strong, hard materials, such as rock, and were used in numerous rituals and activities including, but not limited to, cooking, fighting and horsing around.
H. erotic was a very active species. Mosaics depict scenes of ritualistic, primitive games and sports, such as naked javelin, naked wrestling and football. The post-game rituals of communal showering and goosing are also documented.
Following similar evolutionary patterns in kittens and dolphins, the sexual behaviour of H. erotic demonstrates that it was understood as more than simply a means of reproduction, and was practiced as a pleasurable, social activity. Indeed, it is not known how H. erotic procreated, a fact that is often cited when trying to explain the unusually short time-span of the species.
Other Artistic Contributions
Many of the world's monuments have been reliably attributed to H. erotic. Extremely good with their hands, they were natural sculptors, and are known to have fashioned:
The strange, quaint, queer customs of H. erotic have inspired mankind throughout the ages. The Greeks and Romans are famous for their appreciation of H. erotic culture, as are Catholics and the French.
A modern school of thought, the homosexuals, devotes itself to maintaining the ideologies and practices of these ancient people.
Many artists, too, have used H. erotic as inspiration for their work. Da Vinci created Vitruvian Man based on the flawed archaeological evidence at the time, which suggested that specimens were possessed of four arms and four legs.
Infamous scientologist, minor deity and mutant nunja turtle, Michelangelo, was reputed to be an avid fan of H. erotic, and made many drawings and sketches in homage to the young males of the species, David being one of his most famous.
In literature, critics have interpreted some of the sonnets of Shakespeare as being dedicated to H. erotic, as well as some parts of the Old Testament.
H. erotic In Contemporary Society
Modern man, Homo sapiens, displays some of the behavioural patterns of its ancient ancestors. Many age-old traditions are still being perpetuated, often in sporting institutions, and particularly locker rooms.
Many popular films have been made on the subject. Some of the most notable are:
- The Lord of the Rings
- James Bond: Phallus-Shaped Weapon Armageddon
- 2001: A Space Odyssey
- Penis Wars
- Jaws III
- Fall Out Boy
- The Libertines
- Jesus "Butt-Fucking" Christ
- Oscar Wilde
- Chuck Norris
- That Guy
- That Gay
- Totally Gay Subtexts