Empire State Building
“Empire State building, Just a bored tower, I'll go to Egypt to be The pyramids”
The Empire State Building is currently once again no longer the tallest building in New York after the destruction of the World Trade Center the World Trade Center rebuild. It has been rebuilt multiple times after being destroyed by meteor showers, Godzilla, tidal waves, ice ages, little rascals, and sappy movies starring Meg Ryan.
Being taller than the average man, but shorter than average millennium, it is thought to be somewhere between six feet and 1000 years tall; although the true height is not know as the building fluctuates greatly due to photosynthesis.
Its current position among the world's tallest structures remains in doubt, as the Burj Khalifa's freight elevator shaft[1] has been recently certified as the the world's tallest, putting the Empire State Building down another notch. Only the recent deaths of several pron stars has kept the skyscraper in the top 50.
Beginnings
The Lenape people were troubled by vampires attacking their settlements like the one located on what is now Manhattan Island. An enterprising Canarsee then opened a small stand selling vampire killing supplies. The Vampire Stake Kiosk became famous throughout the Northeast for its low, low prices, judged to be insane by Pieter Minuet’s aide "Crazy Eddie" van Leewenhoek.
In the 1870s, Abner Doubleday bought the property and expanded it to four floors as a hostel for visiting baseball umpires. He named this the House that Ruth Built, as she picked out the vinyl siding for the exterior. Locals called it the Umpire Stake Building as they hung around out front hoping to drive a stake through an umpire’s heart. [2]
In the late 1920s, a young couple, Leona and Sherman Hemsley were movin’ on up to the East Side to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They were also looking for Manhattan commercial property to acquire. While on the roof of Doubleday’s hotel, they were taken by the commanding view of the Hudson, a green Terraplane convertible parked about 2 blocks away. They immediately made an offer for the property, with big plans in mind.[3]
With at least two other companies with major New York buildings under construction, designing and planning was carried on at a fevered pace. After rejecting many designs including a radical all-steel concept by A. C. Gilbert, the old structure was razed and work was begun on a gigantic tower to be called the Empire State Building.[4]
Construction
In 1930, construction was started in earnest.[5] Regrettably, the financing for building materials soon ran out. So five squadrons of native New England Flying Monkeys were hastily trained and outfitted and dispatched to Denmark to raid the Lego factory for bricks. After five weeks, the first squadrons returned, but builders were disappointed to find the monkeys had brought back boxes of frozen waffles instead of the little plastic blocks. After a few orientation sessions using electric cattle prods, the winged minions were sent off again. This time, the construction company was rewarded with bags and bags of Lego figures. After a stern talking-to and a promise of Yankees bobblehead dolls, the very tired monkeys were sent off once again. Finally, they returned, each carrying one Lego brick in each paw.
After the obligatory face palms[6], a daring plan was hatched. A Dutch gang,[7] would steal all the bricks they could from the Lego factory. Those would be assembled [8] into an exact replica of the RMS Queen Mary[9] and sailed into New York harbor[10] with nobody the wiser.[11] This actually worked and the ship was then disassembled by flying monkeys and the pieces flown to the building site.
Due to the need for millions and millions of bricks, the Dutch Masters were hard pressed to come up with ideas for disguising brick shipments. Authorities were getting suspicious of the Queen Mary making so many trips across the Atlantic yet never seen returning eastward. So one last massive shipment was made entirely of clear Legos in order to look like an iceberg. It proved so convincing that several polar bears were found riding it in to New York harbor. They were quickly hired by the New Jersey mob and work continued to complete the skyscraper.
The building was originally planned to be 80 stories tall, but someone forgot to tell the crews to stop and they continued until they ran out of Legos. It became obvious that they were getting tired toward the end as the uppermost stories were gradually being made smaller and smaller. The 102nd story has offices only 4 feet tall, so it was given over to the flying monkeys. Elevator operator jobs were also given to the monkeys, as they already had uniforms.
Written instructions show that the exterior was to be painted a limestone color. Instead, tired painters misread the contract and painted it a lime color, with a decidedly bluish tone. As they used a radium glow-in-the dark paint, the building could be seen at night as far as Kansas. It proved to be a great publicity feature. The glowing gosh-it’s-not-phallic tower magically attracted young women looking for jobs, who would land their cheesy little shotgun shacks on any nearby fashion felon and enter the building skipping along and singing, carrying little obnoxious dogs. This included Dorothy Gish, Dorothy Kilgallen, Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Lamour, Dorothy Dandridge, Dorothy Malone and Fairuza Gale, all with dogs named after pop-rock bands.
Yet there were problems caused by the radium paint. It is thought that someone leaving a not-quite-hardboiled egg in her desk[12] over a weekend resulted in the hatching of the 3-headed flying King Ghidora, who was not canon.
When completed, the skyscraper had a robot doorman made of metal. He was fired after an unfortunate incident when a tourist came up to him to "axe him a question". He was replaced by a scarecrow overseen by a straw boss, C. Wardley Lyon.
Incidents
Doorbusters
The Empire State Building was officially opened with great fanfare on April 11, 1931, with huge crowds arriving and paying to take in the views from the observation deck. Lines wound around the block with the crowds moving along too quickly to be believed. Management investigated and found that impatient visitors would just jump off the building rather than wait for an elevator and that later arrivals would just fling someone over the barrier to make room for themselves. Sheriff Billy Gene "King" Kong was soon hired to keep the unruly in line, and also to keep curious airplane pilots from getting too close and interfering with radio reception. He proved to be popular with the tourists, singing and dancing while clutching the tower with one hand, performing songs like Follow the Yellow Brinks Truck and Somewhere Over the Raingutter.
Kong proved to be a natural salesman and was promoted to the leasing department. He was able to fill in large blocs of the building with tenants after arranging to have floors and ceilings installed for them.
However, King Kong's absence from the observation deck might have led to a dangerous accident in later years.
Dambusters
In 1945, British Air Marshal Arthur Travers "Bummer" Harris was thrown out of the Stage Deli for refusing to tip the mandatory 50% as all tourists were expected to do, unable to take 80% of his sandwich away with him like all tourists expected to do. Furious, he quickly sped to the nearest US Air Corps field and borrowed a B-25 bomber loaded with just one bomb. As he had seen The Dambusters movie twice, he planned to skip the bomb along puddles on 7th Avenue to blow up the eatery, thus striking terror into Jerry’s[14] heart.
Gloating over his successful bombing run,[15] he made a turn but failed to pull up in time to avoid the Empire State Building. He crashed into the 79th floor, wiping out the headquarters of fledgling AIG, who weren’t insured. Everyone else in building exclaimed "What was THAT?" That was followed by another "What was THAT?" when the only human elevator operator, "Betty Lou" Olive Oyl, plunged screaming for 75 floors when the elevator cables broke. Despite her injuries, she was able to crawl over to Harris and kick him in the crotch repeatedly. This act would be memorialized later in the Rockettes signature dance routine at Rockefeller Center.
Jawbusters
In 1961, the physical Empire State Building and the land it sat on was sold. The windows were sold to another group, as was the air above the property. The original owners retained a 10 million year lease on the building, with the small change found in the lobby couches to be the annual payment. About 1990, Japanese mob tool real estate magnate Hideki Maneki somehow thought this was good deal and bought the building in a package deal where he also bought the prison he was sitting in at the time. With business temporarily settled, Leona Hemsley was able to return to her blood feud with her business partner Oscar de lo Renta. Maneki’s family saw this and decided to start their own internal blood feud.
In walked real estate honcho Donald Trump, Hemsley’s mortal enemy, to have the Maneki family try to break the lease agreement. Hemsley saw this happening in her giant crystal ball and went ballistic. Initially, the conflict involved street battles between flying monkeys and apprentices as well as court battles between undead legions of lawyers. The New York Post and Gs from the hood rejoiced as the two tycoons got in their twice-daily Yo mama exchanges. Here was the Mother of All Battles made up of good-old name calling,[16] finger-pointing and making frownie faces[citation needed] at each other.
Eventually both sides ran out of gas and New Yorkers went back to looking for vicious creepy clowns in their storm drains rather than on their TVs.
Brainbusters: Enter Christo
In 2000, the Wrap Master Christo and his Supermodel wife, Jeanne-Claude, identified the Empire State Building as their next project. Christo, who had invented the radical gift bag concept in 1948 felt that the world was ready for a reintroduction of the wrapping method. He dreamed a dream that placing the Empire State Building in such a bag would be the most radical of his projects to date. With the unwritten permission of the building’s owner, Leona Hemsley, Christo and his wife decided that they would “gift bag” the iconic penis symbol with an I ♥ NY bag. However a mix up in communication between Jeanne-Claude and Christo, and too much orange hair dye, a flock of birds, and an instruction sheet written in China led to the installation being set up upside down.
Art critics, the Sierra Club, and Hallmark called the finished project daring, darling, marketable and recyclable. Undaunted and ever confident, Christo claimed victory.
MythBusters
In 2009, the MythBusters TV show set out to prove or disprove that a penny thrown off the Empire State Building could kill someone. They brought 2,000 pennies to the observation deck, hoping to kill or not kill 2,000 pedestrians. It was determined that Jamie Hypoman would be the ground observer since his beanie provided better protection than Adam Salvage’s frequently damaged skull. That and also the fact that rock beats scissors. All 2,000 pennies were flung off the deck by a machine that could only be created by two deranged minds working as one.
Rather than falling, the cloud of pennies was carried skyward by powerful updrafts, hitting a flock of Canada Geese.[17] Stunned and trying to escape, the birds flew into the engines of a passing Airbus A320, causing it to lose power and make a forced landing in the Hudson River. While there were no fatalities, 2 passengers did dissolve when they accidentally blundered into the waters of the Gowanus Canal. An angry "Sully" Icahn Haz Cheezburger, the pilot of the ill-fated plane, went looking for those responsible, aided by witnesses telling him to Follow the Yellow Brick Road.[18] Wandering through Manhattan, he found a field of poppies in Central Park where an episode of Taxi Brooklyn was being filmed. Stopping momentarily to watch, he quickly fell into a deep sleep. He only revived when a member of GLINDA (Greater Long Island National Developers Association) accidentally dropped a snowcone on him. In January. Twice.
Meanwhile, the MythBuster team had scarpered back to their studio. Their conclusion: A penny flinging machine was a brilliant idea, much stronger and more efficient than monkeys flinging poo.
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Footnotes
- ↑ Can you dig it?
- ↑ Surprise. No heart.
- ↑ Though the original plan to build a major slum was shelved when it was found there was too much competition to create such housing.
- ↑ New York had just changed its nickname from The Land of Loads of Criminals to The Empire State.
- ↑ but quickly moved to New York where it was supposed to be
- ↑ simultaneously copied by all the flying monkeys, because --- well, you know why
- ↑ led by Dutch Schultz
- ↑ by Dutch Masters
- ↑ who liked Dutch cocoa
- ↑ and not Dutch Harbor, Alaska
- ↑ who was a better choice than Darth Plaugueis the Wise, obviously
- ↑ Dammit, Janet!
- ↑ What kind of air force puts targets on their planes, anyway?
- ↑ Seinfeld
- ↑ He actually hit the Carnegie Deli.
- ↑ also called invective, but only if big words are used
- ↑ Blame Canada!
- ↑ yellow Lego bricks were reserved for the streets around the Empire State Building.