George Noory
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“It's too bad the end of the world had to happen tonight. We could have had you back in a few weeks to talk about it. ”
George Snoory Noory is a right-wing late night radio conspiracy evangelist and talking points spokesman for the New World Order. Maybe he isn't. He believes Jesus can be seen by wearing 3-D glasses, or perhaps that is just what they say. He promotes his end of the world conspiracy theories on his nightly syndicated radio broadcast Coast to Coast AM. He has psychic abilities, and once received a psychic message from a muskellunge in Nebraska that he is very careful not to discuss. He is or is not a disciple of Art Bell. He truly has a face for radio. Maybe he doesn't.
Early years[edit]
Snoory was born in the back of a Radio Shack in Waukegan, Illinois in 1918, the son of a Whirling Dervish and a palm reader. His mother invented the radio and gave him his first job at an experimental station in St. Louis, Missouri, in 1928, along with lessons on the xylophone. It was while practicing the instrument he first received a message from a UFO. The aliens named him "The Night Squirrel," for his habit of burying things and his bushy tail. It is a name he still uses to refer to himself. When he was 12 he had a terrible fever, and wasn't expected to die. He did, however, and recalls in his 2006 book, "Slacker in the Dark" the peculiar episode:
"I was terribly sick. The fever was so hot I felt as though I was actually freezing. I felt as if tiny knives were piercing my flesh. And then, there was a "pop" - and I was out of my body looking down at myself. I felt a tug at my shirt - I turned and looked and saw a beautiful being awash in light. It looked like Jesus, but he had a helmet on. Something in my mind, almost telepathically, told me it was "Space Jesus." He began to tell me about the end of the world, and then we shook hands, and the next thing I knew I was back in my body."
The Space Jesus Event, as Noory began to call it, became a life changing one. "The Night Squirrel" began to tell these tales over and over again on his radio program between xylophone solos, sending his listeners into a frenzy. One night, a young Richard C. Hoagland called him and begged him to put him on the air with him. They spoke for over an hour about Space Jesus visiting Mars and how the elitists have conspired to cover that up and the two of them formed an organization devoted to helmeted messianic extraterrestrial research that night while on the air. Little did they know they had really invented late night talk radio.
The muskellunge incident[edit]
Although he re-tells the story in several different versions, here is the latest version from Slacker in the Dark: "I was lying on my bed in my home in Waukegan one night in 1952, pondering auto-erotica, when I heard a voice calling my name. It said it was Edgar Cayce and that he'd been reincarnated as a muskellunge that lived in a lake in Nebraska. I asked, "What's a muskellunge?" I'll never forget his response: "That doesn't matter right now, just listen to me - you must warn the world - you must warn the world!" So, that's why I do what I do. I feel I was personally picked by a muskellunge that just happened to be the reincarnated entity of Edgar Cayce!!!" Snoory doesn't mention if he was drinking or smoking anything that night or if he had ingested some type of mind altering drug or just what exactly he was to warn the world about. To him it really didn't matter - they were after him - or maybe they weren't. He joined the Navy and became a master of disguise. He was rumored to have been recruited by the CIA as a disinformation agent, but denies ever meeting George Noory or being in the Navy. Or, maybe he didn't. After the Navy he drifted from dead-end job to dead-end job, living on light beer and antidepressants. This natural course led him to television.
Television and Jimmy Hoffa[edit]
After his grandmother invented television, she gave him a job interviewing mobsters and evil-doers that were marked to be whacked. One was Jimmy Hoffa. He received an Emmy for his work. Snoory wrote the interview into a script and Martin Scorsese directed Joe Pesci in "The Whack Job" in which Noory picked up an Oscar. He also wrote the theme song, "What a Whack Job Wants" and picked up a Grammy. He also interviewed Julius Caesar, Joseph Stalin, Czar Nicholas ll, Adolph Hitler, John F. Kennedy and Judas, for which he received another Emmy. He denies ever interviewing Charles Manson and Satan, but both of them said otherwise, and gave themselves an Emmy. After viewers were found to be getting physically ill from seeing his face on TV, he went back to radio, taking another job in St. Louis as "The Night Squirrel." In 2006, "Slacker in the Dark" was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. In 2007, Snoory was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for his work in banning the accordion.
The Suck Scale[edit]
George Noory sucks and it's scientific fact, as proven by the Suck Scale. Invented in 2003 the Suck Scale measures how much something sucks and to what degree of suckage, the Suck Scale is measured in donkey dick sucks from 0 to 2014, with 2014 being the highest known suckage. While most scientist argue over what sucks and at what degree of suckage the suck belongs. The current lowest suckage is finding 100 bucks on the floor which is measured at 0 donkey dick sucks. Its scientific consensus that George Noory is the current known highest suck, at a whopping 2014 donkey dick sucks! There is currently nothing that's at a higher suckage than that! Of course there are a few fringe scientist that claim George Noory's suckage is actually 2011 or 2017 and even 1999 but those views are far and few between and 2014 donkey dick sucks is the accepted number.
Art Bell and Coast to Coast[edit]
After Art Bell was kidnapped by a feminist Filipino army insurgency, Premiere Radio Networks was looking for someone to take his place. Rush Limbaugh remembered hearing a similar psycho on the radio while on vacation in Missouri and told Premiere about him. in 2003, Noory took over Coast to Coast much to the chagrin of its regular listeners. Noory immediately began to preach his theory of Space Jesus, and denying the same. He blamed September 11, 2001 on conspiracy theorists and claimed Islam was created by the CIA. He dedicated entire shows to End of the World rants and guests who supported the same Rapture and revenge philosophies. He began a steady diet of the Book of Revelation and is rumored to have eaten over 7,000 copies. He hired longtime psycho Richard C. Hoagland in a move many consider was only a counterbalance to have someone more insane than himself on the show. He has dedicated himself to find out who the hell 666 is and when we are all gonna die!! Heard on over a million gazillion radio stations throughout the known world, he makes it a point to keep any guests with relevant information off the show. In 2007, he took his lovable mug to the Home Shopping Network, hawking religious trinkets and the hallucinogenic energy drink Ayahuaska. Or, maybe he didn't. His contract expires in 2012, But Snoory needs the cash and will probably Renew his contract for a signing bonus of a bologna sandwich.
Kicking John B Wells Off the Show[edit]
After being jealous of Well's suck scale rating of zero and his deep voice, Snoory booted him off the show saying "he was just too rational and realistic, and too many guests were listening to him instead of me". When it was announced that John was going to have his own show, George switched to the dark side and asked the NSA to crash his website.
see also[edit]
- Art Bell
- Conspiracy
- Rush Limbaugh
- The Rapture
- 666
- Alex Jones No, don't!
- 2012