“I have no quarrel with them!”
“Obviously just myths.”
“WTF is a subjunctive clause?!”
“Please don't kill me!”
English gods are mythological characters used to help better explain the English language. Not to be confused with Greek gods the English gods are more ruthless, cunning and better at writing essays than even the mighty Zeus. Though today considered myths the English gods are still feared by some idiots and they're stories are still taught in schools as entertaining methods of teaching kids basic English.
Origin of Myths
Nobody is quite sure who made up the fantastic legends of the English gods but some historians believe that anonymous was not responsible as he would have been too busy writing his vast amount of quotes. There is a brief reference to a man named Homer who may have started the legends but who really cares? Since the stories were never written down until 1672 A.D. all stories had to be passed down via word of mouth. Yes, oral sex was an acceptable option.
Noun god of Things
Noun was the most powerful god of them all next to God of course. Married to the beautiful Verb Noun was often seen as a fair and just god unless someone usually a mortal being could not recognize a noun in a sentence. This was very upsetting to Noun as he felt nouns were the most
easiest easy words to identify. One example of his rage is played out in a myth featuring a strong soldier named Greggory who thought sword was a gerund or maybe an adverb. Noun's judgment was swift and yet painful at the same time.
Verb goddess of doing things
Verb was fairly beautiful and loving at heart but was known to be deeply jealous of Adjective. Verb had the ability to make anyone do anything as long as it was a verb. So if it was a subjunctive clause she didn't have a chance in Hell of controlling you. If Verb was ever angry she was known to take her anger out on a woman or the unsuspecting public. In some cases she would do both by creating (create is a verb.) a woman that would torture the public. See Sara Mushi for further reading.
Adjective goddess of Descriptions
Adjective was a smoking hot goddess. No really I'm serious this chick was hot! Her boobs totally defied gravity and maybe even a few other laws of physics. Anyway, Adjective with a snap of her fingers could turn your hunky boyfriend into an ugly abomination to the beloved earth. One of Adjective's more popular myths involves her dramatically decreasing a woman's breast size in order to not be out shown.
Adverb god of Doing Things Quickly
Adverb was also the messenger god as his job was to deliver messages quickly, efficiently, safely and if at all possible legally. Adverb's arguably most famous story involves him brilliantly tricking the English god comma into giving up half his power thus becoming semi-colon. An action that semi-colon never forgave Adverb for.
Gerund god of....uh,....yeah...
Gerund is often forgotten about due to his lack of general importance in the English language. This also may be due to Gerund's general passive nature as he rarely got angry at anyone who didn't know what a Gerund was. Thought here is one myth in particular in which after nearly 200 years of being ignored finally snapped and went on a killing spree in which a million lives were lost. The myth does not go into exact detail of what Gerund did but we are sure it's too sadistic for even Uncyclopedia. But come on people let's be honest who cares about Gerunds? Who even decided we
had have to be quizzed on gerunds they're pointless to study like Subordinate clauses WTF?!!? And then you're taking Latin and your teacher asks you to translate and label the gerundives and subordinate clauses and you have no clue what to do because you don't even know what those things are in English give me a break!
Example of Grammatical Atheists
As with most religions there are always some people who don't believe in it, these are usually people who don't speak English very
good well. Here is an example:
Student: Teacher, why do we have to learn about prepositions? I mean who made this up?
Teacher: Well the English gods, they decided why it's important to know the difference between a pronoun and just a regular noun. Do you understand?
Student: Oh I understand.
Student: That you'all are bullshiting me.
Teacher: Watch your language young man it's you are bullshiting me.
Various other gods and Trivia
- Prepositional Phrase had the power to go around you and over you.
- The Mouse ran ______ the house. Be honest how many people answered with raped?
- Irregular verb was like Verb except
retarted. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
- Plural had the power to make a girl have 18 boobies but as far as we know he never used it.
- The English gods have made certain exceptions for citizens of the south as ya'll is recognized as singular and all ya'lls as plural.
- Tupac's death is suspected to have been backlash from the English gods. It's not Nigga it's Nigger claimed the bitch Adjective.
Racist piece of shit.What a marvel of pure beauty, the zenith of perfection.
- Let's Dance by David Bowie is the current English gods theme song, it replaced
they'retheir original theme song Hang on Sloopy.
- In Soviet Russia English gods fear you!