Black Francis

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“It is I who is truly un chien andalusia, not this phony!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Frank Black

Arrrr! Gouge away, ye spineless yobbers!

Black Francis (born Charles Michael Kittridge Thompson IV in Sealand on April 6, 1607-?) was an infamous American pirate, best known for stealing the Exxon Valdez and crashing it into the Pentagon. He was later hunted down and captured by the American Justice Coalition, who Saddamized him with a broomstick. He was also in the Satan-worshiping band "The Pixies," who were most famous for their killing of innocent cybermen onstage.

The 4AD Years[edit]

Frank Black was finally incarcerated permanently in 1654, after being convicted of sniffing cocaine off of hookers' asses (also onstage.) The po-po soon flew in, disguised as ninjas, and kicked his ass (again, onstage.) He was revived in 1712 during a "show and tell" segment (on some other stage), his ass kicked once more, and finally shipped to Sweden in a giant banana. During the farewell ceremony, an undisclosed fan attacked the banana with a katana, ate large portions of it, and then recited several paragraphs of The Mexican's Guide to Satan - all for no apparent reason. Before he could be subdued, he killed himself by autoerotic asphyxiation. Black then emerged from the grievously-damaged banana and, in the chaos that ensued, proceeded to throw several of the children in the audience into a large bag of Fritos, claiming they were "forged in Satan's anus." (The children, not the Fritos, which were still onstage.)

This incident later became known as The Great Incoherent Rambling Mess of 1712, and was later immortalized in the hit movie Beaches, starring Hillary Clinton as Frank Black.

Recent Sightings[edit]

Like many other dead social revolutionaries such as Paul Bunyan, Teddy Roosevelt, Raphael the Ninja Turtle, and The Immortal Abe Lincoln An’ His Sixty-seventh Bad-Ass Black Bear Army, Frank Black is often reported to have been seen by idiots, Republicans, and unsuspecting schizophrenics who enjoy wasting their lives unravelling the esoteric secrets of the original Scooby Doo animated series.

  • Most recently, the infamous and long-dead pirate has been sighted in northern Japan, by a couple who looked up from their tentacle porn long enough to remember there is more to life than cephalopods. Each witness describes seeing a large, yellow, amorphous blob whirling across the sky for a split second, clearly recognizable as Frank Black.
  • Often he is seen wielding his infamous red 1977 Rickenbacker that reportedly killed John F. Kennedy and King Kong simultaneously.
  • Some also add that they see another blur, this one pink, somewhere in the distance, wielding a blue Rickenbacker, and many speculate that this could be Frank Black’s long lost space-pirate lover, rumored to be the beautiful Plutonian Kim Deal, who immigrated to this planet in 1802 to murder Black, only to fall hopelessly in love with him. According to one of the more touching ancient Japanese legends, the two are forever cursed to do battle in the sky for as long as the sun, Black’s jealous father and enemy, watches them. Only when the sun sets are they allowed to drop the act and be at peace. At night, it is said, one can hear Deal's lonely Plutonian call out to Black, "Bam thwok! Bam thwok!" The legend ends on a high note, with a colorful advertisement featuring Black and Deal posing for Coca Cola and Sony.
    Note: It is still unconfirmed if the colored blobs are, in fact, pirates, or only hyperconsumerism-induced hallucinations. However, the Pixies are scheduled to perform a Japanese tour in the upcoming months, following their plans for a reunion album and world domination, so those less skeptical believe it may be safe to acknowledge the sightings as accurate. However, they also believe in UFOs, a round Earth, and the existence of Leonardo di Caprio, and as a result are regarded by most sane individuals as nuts.

Famous Quotes[edit]

  • "Yarr! Yer bones' got a li'l machine!"
  • "Got a broken face, AAARRRR!"
  • "Aharrr, un chien Andalusia!"
  • "Tharr monkey's gorn ter Davey Jones' Locker!"
  • "Pioneer o' ARRRRodynamics, li'l Eiffel, l'il Eiffel - YARRRR!"
  • "In Heaven, ev'rythin' be sea. Arrrr, an' no landlubbers ter take me treasure from me."

Many consider his masterpiece to be the following:

Where be my Mind?

I was keelhaulin', in ter Caribbean,
Lashin' the cabin-boy wi' whiskers of rats,
When I saw a li'l fish, an'it spat at me,
Yarr, she said;

Wharrrr be my mind?
Wharrrr be my mind?
Yarr, wharrr be... my mind?

Walk ter' plank into the water, me hearties, I'll lash ye' wit' 'ter cat-o-nine-tails!

See Also[edit]