Act of sexual congress

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“I was present at the first sitting of the House of Sexual Congress. Reminded me of my days at Eton with Lord Byron!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Act of sexual congress

“House of Sexual Congress? White House? Aren't those the same houses?”

~ Bill Clinton on Act of sexual congress



Bursting onto the international scene of the 1860s like an erupting blackhead, an adolescent United States of America was challenged by the economic realities of global commerce in the mid-nineteenth century. For centuries, French philanderers - from monarchs to serfs - had aroused the suspicions of other Western powers with their mistresses and not-so-private dalliances with Rough Gay Wolf Sex. British aristocrats had long enjoyed rodgering each other within the confines of Eton, and later, Cambridge and Oxford. The Dutch, with their penchants for drugs and prostitution, had long been world leaders in depravity, earning this title with their special Dutch oven technique. These perversions had enabled the establishment of modern navies, so necessary for colonisation. Secondary industries, specialising in prophylactics, toys, colonic irrigation and miscellaneous adult products developed with the newly found sexual liberation and riches from the colonies, spawning the growth of the middle classes. Marx wrote, "Double-ended dildos are the opiate of the asses." Even plucky newcomer, Japan, had added bukkake and schoolgirl pornography to its demure, inscrutable arsenal. Yet the prudish Americans had yet to extend their newly-found liberty to the boudoir.

Whilst steaming ahead with industrialisation, democratisation and genocide, the Americans had largely ignored the benefits of kinky European sex. A young George Bush Sr. reported, "Unless we harness these new sexual arts, we are destined for libidinal mediocrity and impoverishment. I can't stand by and watch this happen, I won't stand by and watch this happen, and I can't stand by and watch this happen." Abraham Lincoln, whilst aboard the USS Gratuitous Anime Panty Shot, stated, "A constitutional amendment must be made to enshrine rodgering, fellatio, cunnilingus, analingus, felching, fisting, watersports, bukkake and other such extravagances in American law. No longer can we stand idly by and watch Europeans fucking each other every which way, only to be left behind with blue balls and a sore right hand. We must create a separate house of parliament in which our differences can be resolved through peaceful and erotic means. We must show our sailors that love can be enjoyed from on top, behind, sideways, with more than one other man and with several of God's wonderful creatures. Four score and three years ago, Americans were a people of blue balls and tight asses. Let us look upon this day as a defining moment in the history of out beloved nation: copulation of the people, for the people, by the people and sometimes also by animals, toys and so forth!" The sailors rejoiced and much rodgering took place. Lincoln could not sit for two weeks thereafter.

Abraham Lincoln mentoring his lovechild, George H. W. Bush

The Passage of the Act[edit]

Strangely, the Act enjoyed bipartisan support in the US Congress and Senate, and stood largely unopposed. A faint whiff of opposition emanated from Strom Thurmond, but upon further sniffing it was found that he had been dead for some 50 years. An autopsy later revealed his death to have been caused by a disease with all the hallmarks of AIDS. The Act of Sexual Congress had become the 69th Amendment to the US Constitution, granting men the right to bear a massive chubby and women the right to a strap on. There was some derision within conservative circles, fearing the black male population would monopolize the government-subsidized sex industry with their large appendages, but the Democrats Senator for Louisiana, Snoop Doggy Dogg, placated the rednecks, saying, "We don't want yo' bitches! We want booty! Know what I'm sayin' dawg? Now get yo' bigoted ass outta my face before I pop a cap in yo' ass!"

Notable American philanthropist, Charles Montgomery Burns, attended the first sitting of the new House of Sexual Congress. He wrote in his memoirs, "There was far too much felching and not nearly enough snelching. And what's with all of this bukkake? Smithers, how would you like it if I ejaculated on your face?" It is rumored that Smithers replied, "If it was you, sir?"

Lincoln proclaimed to the American press after the first 'sitting' of the new house, "It's like bukkake, on your wedding day, it's a torn chode when you're already there, it's the smooth felch, that you just didn't take, and would have thought, it'd rip open?" This confounded the press, and so very little media fanfare was created.


The Decline and of the House of Sexual Congress and its new role in America[edit]

Following the election of Ronald Reagan as President, a massive ground swell of popular support for abolishing the House of Sexual Congress nearly led to the repealing of the 69th Amendment on the basis that a man that old should not be having sex. "That is so, like, icky!" Donald Rumsfeld told USA Today. Due to the near death of the House of Sexual Congress it was apparent that it was needing a new role in soceiy and government to be successful. The legislative body was moved from Washington, D.C. to Hollywood, where it would become the great Pantheon of celebrities, billionaire metrosexuals and other people, by luck, surgery, or as they claim "good genes", which is hip jargon for a lack of genetic mutations,who are not visibly mutated like the rest of us. The move was stated to make "shitloads of sense" by John Kerry, before he was slain by Emperor Palpatine by having communion denied to him. Many believe this was the reason why the Republicans, despite growing dissatisfaction, still had one more good election.