UnNews:Rapper Kanye runs for President

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 07:28:59 (UTC)
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5 July 2020

Your next Reality TV First Couple?

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rapper Kanye West has announced his candidacy for President. The bejewelled musician/fashion brand and his wife Kim Kardashian — who once broke the Internet by appearing nude and wiggling her generously proportioned ass — said they were up for the challenge to "make America cool again." They tweeted the announcement on the 4th of July, while everyone else was either celebrating or protesting the celebrations.

"My good friend Donald Trump encouraged me to go all out for what I believe in," said Kanye. "I decided that what I believe in is — me. Politics is too serious a business to be left to professional liars. With me, you get everything unvarnished and uncensored — What y'all laughing at?"

West said, "We must trust God, unify our vision, and build our future." Trump for his part has been a veritable model of Christian charity, while likely Democratic candidate Joe Biden has said that we are endowed by our Creator with, y'know, the thing. West had talked about running for Trump's office, though heretofore only after Trump was done with it.

Entrepreneur Elon Musk tweeted, "You have my full support." Provided the message was not referring to financing for a Tesla 3 with a full sports package, this means Musk endorses West's candidacy. This may encourage West to pick Musk as the Vice President. Or he could reach out to another musician to fill the ticket, like 50 Cent.

One must complete FEC paperwork to run for President, which West has not done yet. Consequently, it is not clear which, if any, party he will belong to, or if none, how many states he will convince to put him on their ballots. The FEC has a Green Party candidate named Kanye Deez Nuts West. However, that is not West but someone else of the same name.

West's entry into the Democratic contest would split the black vote. However, Biden has already declared that, if West doesn't vote for Biden, then "You ain't black." It would make it a summer of irony, and not just race riots, if the American people were offered three white candidates — assuming neither the Green nor the Libertarian nominee receives enough donations to appear on camera so we can tell what they are.

If West is elected, it will be the second straight time a First Lady has appeared nude in a magazine. At this rate, in 2024, America could elect a porn star. But current Vice President Mike Pence is thought too goody-goody for such a role, Ron Jeremy has a felony MeToo problem with a former co-star, and Ambassador Nikki Haley did not reply to an email.

17 July 2020
UPDATED -- Kanye West has now qualified to be on the November ballot in the crucial state of Oklahoma, the State Election Board announced.

West paid $35,000 for the privilege, beating the state's Wednesday deadline. The payment is an alternative to submitting signatures, a process that assumes that a candidate has actual supporters in the state. Campaign adviser Steve Kramer announced on Tuesday that "he's out," but the payment means that he's in, or perhaps that he has multiple campaign advisers.

Oklahoma has 7 of the nation's 538 electors in the Electoral College, and West could theoretically get them. But he will not get the electors from New Jersey, New York, Florida, Texas, and eight other states, whose deadlines he has also missed, unless a massive write-in campaign emerges. It takes much less money to enter the famous Presidential primary in New Hampshire, which might also have a couple of electors up for grabs. But West has missed that deadline, too, and in fact the entire election, by half a year.

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