UnBooks:In Search of the Lost Whatchamacallit
In ancient times, long before the pyramids were built and toilets existed, there was an extraordinary item created by the ancient Mayans. The actual name of this mysterious item was long forgotten so it was inevitably referred to as the Whatchamacallit. There are many theories on what the Whatchamacallit can do. Some say it can give you the power to fly, others say with it you can control the entire universe. This one Arabian guy said it makes good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but no one knows because it was lost and was never seen again.
Recently, a map was found that is believed to show the way to the ancient Whatchamacallit. Follow an expedition formed to locate the ancient relic and find the truth about what powers it holds. What they don't know is the path to the Whatchamacallit will be be more difficult than they could have ever expected. (Don't tell them, see what happens!)
Chapter One: The Beginning
It was a busy day for me. I had to pack my stuff for the expedition, fill out my medical history forms, and go through a number of very personal tests that took hours to complete. When I finally finished, Johnny came up to me and asked, "What do you think the Whatchamacallit would look like?"
"I don't know," I replied, "but my guess is, powers beyond our measures."
There were other people in my group. Sarah, a very beautiful girl; Josh, a tough guy that could kill you in a second; Andrew, a gun expert; Jessica, a historian; Darwin, a man who fought in Vietnam; Scott, the resident nerd; Brianna, a total tomboy; Raphael, the fat lazy dude; Frank, a punk rocker; David, a greedy jerk; and twenty-eight other people not worth mentioning. To my surprise, our leader was none other than Mr. T. I guess after he got all geared up playing World of Warcraft he wanted to do something really adventurous, so he signed up. "Alright," he said, "You people ready to go on this long and perilous journey?"
"Yeah," all of us replied.
"Good," he said, "Cause where shipping out first thing tomorrow. And don't forget your toothbrush."
Then Frank asked him, "Won't there be any dangers in this expedition?"
"HA!" he laughed, "I pity the fools who try to mess with my team! Stick with me and you'll be fine."
I was beginning to think that this expedition would go rather smooth and peacefully. Or so I thought...
Chapter Two: Are We There Yet
"Are we there yet?" asked Raphael.
"No we are not there yet, fool" replied Mr. T.
That was the the fifteenth time he said that. As we flew over the Atlantic Ocean, I was sitting next to Sarah. I was attracted by her beauty; her long brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes, stunning smile. I thought to myself, "She must be an angel." I was way too shy to talk to her. Brianna walked by, and Josh reached over and slapped her ass. "Nice ass," he said with a laugh. Brianna turned and flipped him off.
Just then, the pilot turned on the loudspeaker and announced, "We will be landing here shortly, please buckle your seat belts as we begin out descent." To which Johnny said, "I don't need to put on a damn seat belt." We had a pretty rough landing. Johnny threw up. "Dammit, what a waste of good chili dogs," he cried.
I was so grossed out, I threw up three times in the cab, causing everyone (except Mr. T) to begin spontaneously vomiting.
"Shake it off ladies," said Mr. T, "We got work to do."
Chapter Three: The Village of WTF
We were approaching the village of WTF. Seriously, who the hell would name their village that? Anyway, Raphael and Josh were arguing about who killed more people, Hitler or Stalin (which was obviously Hitler). We finally reached the village and were greeted by their leader, Jack WTF. “Welcome my friends," he said with a smile, "I hope your visit here will be a pleasant one, unless you’re Steve Ballmer."
"Nope, none of us are. We came to look for the lost Whatchamacallit," Mr. T replied.
“Well, you came to the right place. This is the start of the path to the Whatchamacallit, however no one has lived long enough to find it. Except that one guy, but he was killed by the Guardian," Jack said. I asked, "Who's the Guardian?"
Jack explained, "A person who guards the ancient ruins where the Whatchamacallit possibly rests."
At this point, David lost his patience and said, "Alright, let's go. I must... uh I mean, we must find it and sell... I mean, use it."
"Not yet", replied Mr. T. "We need to rest here, because we have a long journey ahead of us."
Chapter Four: Down the Hill
We woke up and started down the path. As we were walking we saw a giant mound, about 12,000 feet above sea level. Jessica said, “According to my book of legends, in order for us to continue to the Whatchamachallit, we must roll down this hill."
Johnny asked, "Is this a hill or a mountain, because this is deep," to which I replied, "That what I said to your mom last night."
Everyone laughed hysterically, except Johnny, who said, "Fuck you all!"
What a pussy. So, we were about to roll down the hill when this one dude said, "I'm not rolling down this hill. I'm going to walk." But as soon as he started walking he fell down, all the way to the bottom. He caught his balls on a large sharp rock, and he screamed so loud, I couldn't hear my own thoughts. His body was twisted at the waist, his arm was bent the opposite way, his neck was possibly broken, not to mention the gigantic dick he already had up his ass. He fell on the ground, dead as a door nail. We were all shocked.
"Yeah, let's not walk," said Frank. We all agreed.
I laid down on my side, and was about to roll when Josh said to me, "If I don't make it out of this alive, tell my girlfriend I love her and she still owes me twelve bucks."
"No problem", I said. "Me too," said Raphael.
"You don't have a girlfriend," said Andrew, "you just have a monkey you screw around with."
Raphael said, "Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures."
I was grossed out, but I ignored it and began to roll down the hill. I rolled slowly at first, and then began picking up speed. Soon, I was going 'fast like a nascar'. I rolled over a small rock, but it didn't bother me. Raphael was rolling down the hill faster than me, because of his weight.
"I'm the king of the world," said Scott.
"I'm the queen of the universe," said Brianna.
"I'm getting some sick," said Johnny.
It took like ten minutes to get to the bottom, where I rolled into a bush. Everyone rolled into a bush, except Johnny, who rolled into a thorn patch.
"Owwww!" He said, and we all laughed.
Sarah rolled off a ramp and I caught her in my arms. We both blushed. "Thank you," she said.
Mr. T rolled down the hill last (he waited for us, so we wouldn't become pancakes). He rolled over the bush and thorn patch, and then rolled off the ramp into the sky, doing a few front flips, before being stopped by a large boulder. He still left a hole in the rock about six feet deep. Climbing out, he said, "Now that's what I call rock and roll."
"Show off," said Johnny.
Chapter Five: Pitch Black
Rain came out of nowhere, so we decided to stay in a pitch black cave, which was obviously one of the dumbest things we did.
"Well, I guess we have to stay in here tonight" said Johnny.
Stupid idea. As we were sitting down we heard a noise. Johnny flashed his flashlight around. Then he froze in complete horror, and turned as white as Michael Jackson.
"Whats wrong?" I asked him. He tried to say something but only mumbled and pointed to a sign. One by one, each of us looked at the sign and became terrified at what the sign said. At last, I read the sign and it said, "It's pitch black, you are likely to be eaten by a grue."
"Oh shit," I said. All of a sudden, a grue came out of nowhere, with its mouth open.
"Open fire!" shouted Mr. T. We all fired our weapons, despite being surrounded. Johny was shooting with his eyes closed (what a wimp), Josh had a fucking rocket launcher blazing, Raphael pulled out a bag of chips and began watching the fight.
"Stop eating and fight, you fat asshole!" I said, getting annoyed at his laziness. Darwin and Andrew were definitely having a good time, and killed the most grues out of any of us. Jessica was holding up a book about the French Toast Revolution and caused a lot of grues to fall asleep, Brianna raped a couple of grues, and I took some out with a 12 gauge shot gun. Despite these advantages, many of us were getting killed and eaten. One guy had both his legs torn apart, another guy was having his nuts ripped out, and there was even a grue was singing Pop music, causing heads to asplode. I saw Sarah about to get eaten by a grue, so I turned around and yelled, "Get away from her you son of a bitch!" and blasted its brains out. Sarah gave me a smile that could melt butter as I continued fighting this horrible nightmare.
Mr. T said, "Thats it! I have had it with these mother fucking grues in this mother fucking cave!" and Frank did one of the most awesome things I have ever seen. He jumped in the air and said, "SHOOP DA WHOOP!" as he fired a fucking lazer beam out of his mouth, killing all the grues.
"Good job, Frank," everybody said.
"I know," he replied. It was then we heard a rumbling in the cave, and saw a big black grue about 14 feet tall. Scott shouted, "Ubergrue!!!" Johnny literally shit his pants. We fought the creature but it was too big, and it killed three more guys.
"Everybody leave the cave, I'll handle this bad boy," screamed Mr. T as he ran forward to fight the Ubergrue.
We were all relieved and quickly ran out of the cave (except for Raphael, because he was too fat and had to walk).
Chapter Six: Left Alone
We all got separated somehow after we left the grue-infested cave. I had no idea where I was, as it was nighttime. I kind of felt bad for leaving Mr. T alone. I know he's tough, but ubergrues are extremely dangerous. I thought to myself, he can't possibly die. After all, he's Mr. T for Cheesus' sake! I began to wander around for a while, then I saw someone. It was a girl. She had blue eyes and brown hair. It was Sarah. She ran to me and asked me if I was ok. I said yes. We began to look for the others, but we were amazed by the flora of the forest. I mean, it was breathtaking. We decided to take a break to spend some time together. I began to observe her some more. She had a nice body, slim with nice curves. She didn't have the world's largest breasts, but they were a very good handful. I started to have a funny feeling inside of me. No, I didn't have a boner, stupid (geez, grow up). It was love. Suddenly there were birds that looked like Rick Astley, and they began singing, "Never gonna give you up..."
We got up and started to dance. While we were dancing, I accidentally burped in her face (which was not good since I had eaten four chili dogs). I was sure she was going to slap me, but instead she laughed and offered me a Tic-Tac. We danced in silence for a while as the birds continued to sing, until Sarah said, "Thank you for saving me from that grue in the cave."
"Hey, couldn't let some God damn brown creature from Sesame Street harm a beautiful woman like you." She blushed Kool-aid man red. We both leaned in and, in a romantic way, kissed. It was the most wonderful thing that happened to me besides that time I won American Idol. I began to picture Heaven, with the angles flying and God on His mighty throne. We closed our eyes and enjoyed the moment.
"You two love birds done yet?" asked a familiar voice. We broke the kiss and saw none other than Mr. T. He was alive.
"How did you survive?" asked Sarah.
"Ha! I pitied that ubergrue to victory. He won't be messing with us any more. Now come, we got to go find the others."
Sarah and I followed him, hand in hand. We left just as the Rick birds finished their song. Now that's what I call rock and roll.
Chapter Seven: Caboose
We manage to find all the others, which took hours. Johnny suggested we abandon the mission, but Darwin said, "When we left Nam, it became Communist. Imagine if we abandon the expedition. An evil person could use it for evil and destroy the world." We all agreed. "He's right, we must keep going," said Mr. T.
As we approached the giant volcano, we saw a dude with blue colored armor on, the same armor that Master Chief wears, only it's blue. "Hello. My name is Caboose. I am the Guardian." We were all surprised. "You're the Guardian?" said Frank.
"Yep, I wanted to be the Blue Fiend, but that name was already taken."
"So," I said, "Your the one who killed that dude."
Caboose responded, "Actually, I told him a story and he killed himself." What?
"Oh," I replied.
"Well, can you take us to the Whatchamacallit?" asked Sarah.
"Yeah, just follow me through this tall grass," Caboose said.
Chapter Eight: Tall Grass
Before I continue, I must tell you the number one rule in life: NEVER GO INTO TALL GRASS!
Well, we learned that the hard way. As we were walking, we ran into a pack of Velociraptors. And, well.... I won't go into any details because they are too gruesomer than grues to explain.
Myself, Sarah, Frank, David, Raphael, Johny, Mr. T, Brianna, Josh, Darwin, Andrew, Jessica, Scott and Caboose were the only survivors left. The other people who didn't die gruesomely by the grues were gruesomely killed by the Velociraptors.
It was a horrible sight. Let's not speak of it again.
Chapter Nine: Volcano
"Uh, sorry about that," said Caboose.
"Well, we sure as hell can't stay here," said Johnny.
"Are there any more surprises?" Andrew asked.
"Uh, yeah," said Caboose, "there are a bunch of butterflies and chickens and...."
"Anything dangerous?" asked Brianna.
"Nope, I hope not," said Caboose. We walked towards the volcano. The volcano looked large, with eyes, arms, and a mouth What the fuck?
"That’s George the Volcano," said Frank, "he's nice." Secretly, David began to think about his master plan. He knew it was only a matter of time before he obtains the Whatchamacallit. He could imagine how much it's worth. It could make him the richest man in the world. Maybe he can rule the world with it. But first he had to climb this damn hill.
The volcano began to laugh and said, "Be careful, I'm very ticklish." Oh boy.
Chapter Ten: Whatchamacallit?
We finally reached the top of the volcano, which took four fucking hours. Then, we saw it, the Whatchamacallit, with all its power and mystery. Johnny and Frank started to jack off (what losers) and Sarah kissed me. Don't even ask what Raphael was doing (his pet monkey, gross). But as soon as we got close to it, David pulled out a machine gun and began shooting at us. Johnny was shot in the stomach. In rage I charged forward, but he shot me in the shoulder. Caboose threw a grenade that exploded on David, and his gun was destroyed (it also blew his balls off, which looked extremely painful). With what was left of his strength, David limped to the artifact, saying, "I will claim this artifact and use it for wealth and power, I will..." but just as he touched the artifact, his body disintegrated.
"Damn," said Raphael, "good thing I was too lazy to pick it up, or that could have been me."
Jessica said, "Of course! Only the chosen one could hold the artifact."
"Why didn't you tell us before?" asked Darwin loudly, to which she replied, "Nobody asked." Now she tells us, that damn whore.
"So who is it?" asked Brianna.
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Sarah. "Only the chosen one would risk his life for someone he loves, like when you saved me in the cave and in the tall grass," she said to me. "Also he must be from America, aren't you?" I said yes (don't mess with Texas, or I will kill you). "There you go, he is the chosen one," said Sarah.
I walked over and grabbed the artifact, and felt its power run through me. It felt good, like, oral sex good. I felt like a god.
"So what does it do," asked Mr. T.
Trying it out, I was amazed at its power. "It can make things turn to chocolate," I said.
"Well," said Frank, "At least we managed to find it, despite people dying in the process, and even though one of them was a greedy asshole that nobody cares about."
We were headed to the airport, when Josh asked, "Can we get some chili dogs?" to which we replied with "NO!"
Mr. T said, "Alright fools, its been a great time. In spite of some losses it was our teamwork, friendship, and bad-assness that made us successful."
On the plane ride back, I held Sarah's hand the entire time. I'm the man.
Many things happened after the events of our search for the Lost Whatchamacallit. Sarah and I got married, and we currently have two kids. Johnny, who survived the gun shot, ended up finding the cure for brain cancer and is one of the richest people in the world. Jessica is now a teacher at Princeton University. Raphael has done nothing with his life, and still screws with that damn monkey. Andrew owns a gun store where Darwin works and reminisces about the Vietnam war. Frank started a band called The Whatchamachallits, named after the artifact, which is currently in a museum. Mr. T is running his own show called "I Pity the Fool 2", and Josh became a professional wrestler. Finally, Caboose became Vice President of the United States when Joe Biden was impeached because of his sex tape scandal. What an idiot. The Ubergrue is now a musical performer in Iceland. Weird. So, that’s it for the story of the Lost Whatchamacallit. Brianna still has a nice ass I guess.