The T.W.A.T. Conspiracy
The object in question is part of a conspiracy and leaves no trace. Like a ninja boyscout.
Since the dawn of man, ever since one caveman looked at another's drawing of a mammoth and found a set of landing instructions for Aliens, humans have been obsessed with the idea of the conspiracy. From Jesus's secret life as a part time pimp to Noah's tendencies towards bestiality, We have constantly sought to uncover the unadulterated truth. Now be respectful. The following information has cost the life of many an operative in their line of duty. I introdue you to The T.W.A.T Conspiracy.
Them Whom Are They[edit]
For nearly three thousand years now, an organization that spans the globe and, indeed, even into the depths of space, has carefully guided the course of history to suit their own diabolical ends. They refer to themselves loosely as the "Them Whom Are They", or T.W.A.T. for short. An organization formed of hundreds of loose "subgizations", T.W.A.T. has secretely steered the path of mankind. Even we, after centuries of research, cannot fully grasp what it is that they intend. We do, however think it has something to do with using all mankind's minds and souls as reagents to summon God, beat his ass, and take his job.
What "they" are[edit]
T.W.A.T. is the most secret, and indeed the most organized secret organization ever to exist. All other secret organizations throughout history have either been subgizations or destroyed for their impudence. Their long-term goals? Unknown. Short term goals include: finding a better alternative to eating than photosynthesis and the subjigation of all of mankind. The T.W.A.T. organization, while based on independently working smaller groups, does have a firmly enforced rank heirarchy. At the top of this chain of command is an enigma wrapped inside a mystery and put inside a state of confusion which makes up the center of a jelly-filled doughnut that has been eaten by a goat. Thrice. That leader is known, even to his most trusted seconds only as "You know the guy I'm talkin' bout" or, more commonly, "Him". Under "Him" are an unidentified number of seconds who lead the Level-2 Subgizations. Under them are thirds who lead the Level-3 Subgizations and so on for an unknown amount of levels. Each operative only knows what pertains to their particular duty and no more to protect against revealing secrets during sex or interogation. Or sexual interogation... ... ...Which would be a literal debriefing... ... ...And kinky... ... ...
Who "they" are[edit]
While a member of T.W.A.T. has never been successfully uncovered during their active duty, many members have been found out only after they have retired from active duty. While this may be according to their designs, it still gives us valuable insight into what goes on in the inner workings of T.W.A.T. Some known ex-members include:
The Brain, Douglas Adams, Michael Jackson, Havelock Ventinari, The Real Slim Shady, Elvis Presley, Dick Van Dyke, Bill Gates, Dr. Doom, Hannibal Lecter, Lord Voldemort,
While by no means a complete list, this ought to give you an idea of just how much power they command. I mean, these are just the people who USED to work for T.W.A.T. but some went on to work with U.N.C.L.E.
What "they" have done[edit]
What follows is an incomplete list of acts that has been compiled from our limited data. Note:the following ARE in chronological order. Any evidence to the contrary is just further proof of the extend of their infiltrative powers. See? You're sceptical!
- The Watergate Breakin:Forrest Gump stood a chance of defeating T.W.A.T. operative Ming Piao in the world championship ping-pong tourney. This was deemed unacceptable and a squad was disbatched to disbatch. Gump checked into the wrong room, and was subsequently not found.
- The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand: World War One was to provide the perfect cover for an attempt at introducing time-detonating gerbils into the battlefield. Trench Warfare allowed said pyroclasmically inclined vermin to make their debut. Fortunately for civilization, most got trompled into the mud, where they would pop harmlessly.
- The bombings of Hiroshima/Nagasaki: The "bombs" were merely capsules to allow the operative known as Neo Ordinance:Roundhouse Reactive Inhibitless Serendipity", or just Chuck for short, to have a comfortable flight down before his work began.
- Sharp incline in Border Hopping: Several faux trees have been spotten on and around the U.S./Canadian and U.S./Mexican borders. While their given function is known to the public as "Cell phone towers", they actually release a psychic beacon with a subliminal message. To the north, the phrase "Come to America! The streets are paved with seal fur!" is sent out every half hour, while to the south, the message is "Come to America! The streets are PAVED!!!!!!". Verison Wireless (Subgization level 21) is the most likely culprit.
- Water floridization:Efforts to corrupt our precious bodily fluids have been one of T.W.A.T.'s staple plots over the years. Floridization attempts are very similar to hieroglyphics depicting the sabotage of the Roman aquaducks.
- The DaVinci Code was written: This particular effort has been going on for some time, but has only recently come to light. Keeping other conspiracy theories the hot topic allows "them" to pass unnoticed. (They're all lies, of course. Everyone knows that conspiracies are all a bunch of bull.)
- The rise of many popular drugs: The rise and fall of casual and/or hard drugs and the rings that purvey them serves to T.W.A.T.'s end in many ways that can only be guessed at. These include but are by no means limited to: Chinese opiates, Crack Cocaine, Methamphetamines, fermented brake fluid, snorted Roly-Polys, and, more recently, Kittens and the Quick.
- Noah's Flood: While the flood did occur, and while Noah (ID:NOAH: Dual membership:Greenpeace, PETA) did build an Ark to save all of the animals of the world, the damn hippie, the flood itself was engineered to test a doomsday device. "God's Urinal" was a machine that alters atmospheric pressure to create huge storms. The resulting flood wiped out the fascility as well as all reaserch notes and technicians. The possibility that Hurricane "Katrina" was the reactivation test of a new "Urinal" is undergoing much scrutiny.
Information[edit]
- The Chroniclers (us) first became aware of T.W.A.T. during the great Pimp-Ho wars of 1439, when their favor caused the Pimps to win such a decisive victory as to establish dominance over the Hos for centuries to come.
- T.W.A.T.'s first ex operative to be uncovered was Donny Higgins (Level 93 operative), Christopher Columbus's cabin boy, trusted advisor, and... well... it gets lonely at sea...
- An abandoned T.W.A.T. base complete with very out of date documents was found at the bottom of the ocean in 1709, providing the Chroniclers with much of what we know about T.W.A.T. today.
- T.W.A.T.s have a bad habbit of acronyming things, even if it doesn't make sense or is spelled wrong. If you see a word that you don't recognise printed on a truck or building, call your local Druid Council or Poison Control Center to report it. It could just be the local Gas and Electric company, but do you want to take that chance? Huh? do ya?
- Take the letters in T.W.A.T., add their alphabetical value (20+23+1+20) and you get 64. Divide 64 by two and you get 32. Flip the digits and you get the number 23. There is no such thing as coincidicence in a T.W.A.T world.