Parthenogenesis
Parthenogenesis is the development of a viable embryo without the use of sex. Thought to have first been invented by Zeus to avoid paying alimony to a Swan he impregnated. This technique is now used by many different types of animals, from Birds to Bees. The discovery of parthenogenesis, rather ironically, is considered to be a validation and blessing to two distinct and opposing groups.
Fundamental Christians have claimed that the existence of parthenogenesis is clear evidence for the possibility of Virgin birth and therefore shows, once and for all, that Mary was not 'Just blaming God for the result of a little extra curricular activity.'
Many Feminists have claimed parthenogenesis to be evidence for the possibility of a male-less society, and the potential to create a female only utopia.
How Parthenogenesis Works[edit]
In pathogenesis an embryo is formed by either, the merging of two female nuclei or the development of an egg containing only one nuclei.
The first method results in a fully developed and functioning female offspring, which is able to mate with a male, should one become available, and as such it is frowned upon by many leading feminists, who claim that this would be counter-productive in the development of a sustainable feminist society. They instead favour the use of the second possible method, which due to the haploid nature of the offspring would result in them being sexually infertile, but still able to produce more female offspring via parthenogenesis. This would of course completely eliminate any need for male involvement in the reproductive process.
Men are divided as to what to think of this, as though it presents an obvious danger to male involvement in sex, there is one enormous benefit to the technique from a male point of view, the technique, despite not technically needing a partner is made much more effective by the presence of another female engaging in sexual acts.
The Catholic Church has decried this form of parthenogenesis as blasphemous and has even suggested satanic involvement as Man was created in the image of God and so to reject Man is to reject God.
Both men and feminists have accused the Catholic Church of being spoilsports.
A Vatican official has claimed that any young women who value their souls must either find a way to guarantee any child of theirs produced by parthenogenesis is fertile or ensure that they are impregnated in the usual way.
Why Use Parthenogenesis?[edit]
Though feminists claim that there are many rather obvious reasons why it would be a good idea to remove the involvement of males in the reproductive process, the scientific community is not sure about the accuracy of this statement. They claim that most animals practicing parthenogenesis do not have the mental capacity to develop a belief as complex as feminism. This is widely believed to be a good thing.
Scientists instead promote the theory that parthenogenesis is a method to help the survival and spread of a species beyond its usual habitat.
For example, should a female whip-tail lizard find itself lost, and unable to read a map, it could end up isolated, in the middle of nowhere. Should a normal lizard find itself in such a situation it would die alone without children and worse, no one to Bitch to. However a whip-tail lizard is capable of parthenogenesis and therefore can quickly establish a whole new colony, who as well as fulfilling the role of children, would all be female, and therefore sympathetic with the constant need to nag.
Parthenogenesis and the Supernatural[edit]
A little known fact about Genetics is that it is not just what our DNA says that matters, but also where it comes from, rather like British Politics. This is known as epigenetics, what this means is that some genes, which though obtainable from the mother, will only work if they come from the father, and vica versa. This means that children of parthenogenesis often have birth defects, or mutations. These mutations can result in both spectacular and tragic consequences, ranging from the development of super powers to infertility.
Jesus[edit]
Jesus was the result of a virgin birth. Until now scientists did not know how this was possible, but the discovery of parthenogenesis has not only revealed how God impregnated Mary but also how He gave Jesus his superhuman powers. Through epigenetic mutation, Jesus got the best party trick of all time, the ability to turn water into wine. Combined with his famed food replication talent and his legendary ability to heal lepers, this ability made Jesus the most influential pop icons of all time.
Superman[edit]
Though his parents claimed that Clark Kent was actually an alien baby that crashed into their garden, Superman was the product of Martha Kent's lesbian affair and subsequent parthenogenesis. The lack of a father had an effect comparable to the case of Jesus; it gave Clark multiple supernatural powers, such as laser cannons for eyes and the ability to fly. However, it also gave him an unnatural desire to wear Lycra and Spandex, to his parents' mortification.
Infertile Girl[edit]
Though technically not in possession of a 'real' superpower, parthenogenesis gave Infertile Girl the ability to have sex whenever and wherever she desires without needing to use protection to avoid STDs.
Science and Parthenogenesis[edit]
In a bid to break US domination in the field of superhero production European scientists have been attempting to artificially induce parthenogenesis. Early progress was hindered by the total inability of the French and British to occupy the same space without attempting to re-enact the Battle of Agincourt. Luckily Belgian scientists were able to separate the two parties bringing peace and progress to the research. But again disaster struck, the British scientists realised that they were working alongside Germans, and thus were obliged to repeatedly chant the English national anthem, "Two World Wars, and one World Cup." Needless to say this was counterproductive, but again Brussels provided a solution to the British Problem. As with the European Union the British were taken to one side, gagged and left to their own devices.
The disruption firmly behind them, scientists set about trying to find out why the majority of superheros were born in America, what was so different about the United States that led to such increased numbers of parthenogenesis induced superpowers? What do they have that Europe doesn't?
As the British scientists began to binge-drink, the Europeans stumbled onto a flash of insight. The difference was under-age drinking and teenage pregnancy. After all, the British were the primary culprits for such practices in Europe, though they did produce heroes such as David Beckham and Vicky Pollard.
To test this remarkable hypothesis, scientists took unfertilised eggs from a woman and injected them with pure ethanol. Initial observations were disappointing as the egg cells appeared to just be drifting around and bumping into each other. However after this initial lag, many of the eggs began to divide, as if they had been fertilised by Sperm rather than Alcohol.
Scientists postulate that the initial lag was caused by the eggs telling each other how much they loved them, promising that they wouldn't let growing up and moving on change them, and swearing that they would keep in touch with each other after they left the petri dish.
Results[edit]
Scientists expected the experiment's results will manifest themselves as superpowers as soon as the subjects enter puberty. At that time, European cities would be defended by new, unique, all-European heroes, such as Baguette Man, Sauerkraut Girl and the Mario Brothers.
Unfortunately, puberty did not lead to the development of any superpowers, unless one counts excessive masturbation, a third eye, or the ability to fly; which of course nobody does. Europe, it seems, is doomed to rely solely on its own legal systems, police force, and the French military to maintain order in their large fictional cities; rather than the far more effective violent super-vigilantes.