Mass (physics)

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“Mass is actually a name in Scandinavia.”

~ Kenneth H. Djurhuus on Mass

“Mass is simply a way to prove the existence of obesity.”

~ Prof. Q. Bert on Mass

“He who go to mass ev'ry Sunday shall be saved in the name of our Lord.”

~ Pope Benedict XVI on Mass

In physics, mass is an intrinsic property of an object somehow related to its overall largeness, inertia, and ultimate destiny. There are three (3) kinds of mass: gravitational mass, recreational mass, and some other kind of mass which cannot be recalled at this time for some reason, but it probably has something to do with fat women.

Origin of mass[edit]

Mass was invented by Thomas Edison in 1903, causing people everywhere to bitch and moan about gratuitous overusage of predictable clichés, and justifiably so. After thousands of hard grueling hours experimentizing with his mass in a hot sweaty laboratory somewhere in New Jersey, Edison found absolutely no practical use for this strange invention, so he decided to forget about it and invent something else to compensate, such as the electric penis pump. Mass, meanwhile, escaped from the confines of the laboratory and got rid of the awful and confusing pounds and ounces (that no-one in the world uses any more apart from Americans cos they're too stoopid to think).

Relation of mass to weight[edit]

In 1913, Albert Einstein mathematically proved that mass is a concentrated form of weight when he successfully transported a luxury ocean liner from New Jersey to Alpha Centauri (and back) using nothing but a small glob of solidified lard which was surgically extracted from his prodigious pot belly. For this stunning achievement, Einstein was awarded his choice of (1) a lifetime supply of Nobel Prizes or (2) a small slice of Swiss cheese, but died well before he could make up his mind already.

Some would also argue that mass is a component of weight, which is itself a gravitational force of attraction between objects. These people would additionally argue that an object's mass multiplied by its current acceleration indicate the net force acting on the object:

F = m x a

These people are outright liars. Distance, x, never comes into this equation!

Relation of mass to inertia[edit]

Mass is oft confoosed with inertia, and no wonder; it certainly doesn't help that this Uncyclopedia article only adds to the general confoosion (albeit unintentionally). Anyway, mass may be distinguished from inertia by intense scrutiny with a powerful optoscope, but just barely. Also, inertia usually contains (at least) twice as much more entropy than regular mass, so, if you already know what entropy looks like, you probably won't need to invest in an expensive optoscope, which is just as well, seeing that the likes of you wouldn't probably shell out that kind of money for one of those anyway. Cheap bastard.

Relation of mass to Oscar Wilde[edit]

Oscar Wilde, who knew absolutely nothing of modern physics, had very little to say concerning mass. However, this apparent lack of Wildean material to draw from in no way prohibits us from making up what wouldst be an appropriate and witful quotation as if from the Immoral Bard hisself:

“Your Majesty's globulous posterior serves only to remind me of how little I have learnt of the physics of mass.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mass

And, since Newton prophesied that every action eventually results in an opposite action, we cannot help but ponder and reflect upon the corresponding antiquote from the Anti-Wilde:

"STFU, Oscar!"

~ Chuck Norris on (Oscar Wilde on Mass)

Misconceptions about mass continue to abound[edit]

A common misconception amongst today's godless scientifical community is that mass is entirely different from weight. However, Google proves them wrong once once again by showing how one is convertible to the other and vice versa.

In spite of all their misconceptions notwithstanding, physicists continue to this day to utilize the erroneous concept of mass, almost on a daily basis. Why, it was only just this morning that Professor J Ernst Schweiheimer at the University of Lafayette in Louisiana gave such a tedious dissertation on the theoretical variation of mass in neutrino oscillations that 47 of his 53 students perished of outright boredom well before lunchtime.

Another misconception is the Christian belief that objects only have mass on Sundays. This story lives as only an urban legend, as it was proven in the Physics Act of 1603 that in order for this so-called "theory" to hold true, all objects must attend Sunday mass. It was observed that most objects only show up to mass at Christmas time, thus disproving the entire idea.

Inertia related to Marching Band[edit]

Inertia is the very thing that allows any marching band to exist. It was Winston "Badass" Churchill who first discovered inertia in WWII while secretly assasinating Adolf Hitler. Using inertia to his advantage, he was able to hypnotize all the Nazis into believing that their leader had committed suicide, and that all of WWII was just a hoax. Without it Tom Bennett's Laws of Posture/Breathing would not allow both music and marching to coexist at the same time. John Philip Sousa was well known for having early theories of inertia's existence/powers in his most famous marches, hence why he is GOD of all marches to this day (especially when it comes to adding a flat to trios). Eventually as marching bands started to make their appearance in the USA genius band directors followed Sousa's lead by making every marcher harness inertia's great strength. Inertia itself allows even the worst of marchers to appear as though they are role stepping in mid-air. Most recently the trombones, after slide-raping a choir of trumpets took their powers as demi-gods and now use inertia as their main sorce of bad-assery, even though they already had it since their conception.

See also[edit]