Ketuanan Melayu

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Ketuanan Melayu as she is practiced in her home country; here the "fucker" in the foreground brandishes his magical dildo while threatening to force the "fuckees" (not shown) to "take it up the ass".

Ketuanan Melayu (Malay: Cultural Learnings of Osama for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Katipunan) is an exotic sex practice amongst the indigenous tribes of Malaysia. First revealed to Western civilization through the sexploits of Oscar Wilde, it briefly became a fad amongst the elite of South Africa and Nutsy Germany. It is commonly held that each culture on the planet has developed its own form of ketuanan Melayu; however, every unique form of the ritual has some commonalities worth remarking upon. The most controversial of such portions of the ritual has been that often referred to as "taking it up the ass". Several commentators, including A dope, Hitler and Mahathir the Vampire Slayer, have expressed their intellectual doubts about the existence of this particular act, noting that several supposed victims of "taking it up the ass", such as Anne Frank and Lee Kuan Yew, are clinically dead. Others have also suggested that such victims in reality were the perpetrators of "taking it up the ass", arguing that Frank frequently raped and plundered her native Switzerland, applying the esoteric rituals of ketuanan Melayu she learnt from The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

As mentioned, the specifics of the ritual are likely to vary from country to country. However, all share certain commonalities. In particular, regardless of the number of participants, there are always only two parties in the ritual: the "fuckers" and "fuckees". Another hallmark of the ritual, "taking it up the ass", is a secret hidden from the public. Although it has been the subject of much debate among the practitioners and researchers of ketuanan Melayu, no conclusive definition of this all-important part of the ritual has been given. However, it is highly probable that "taking it up the ass" refers to an uncomfortable (for the fuckee) but pleasurable (for the fucker) experience that gives a semblance of security to the fuckee in return for bountiful wealth for the fucker.

Early variations

Excessive usage of lubricant is a practice that tends to be found only in the region of ketuanan Melayu's origination — that is, Malaysia and Singkaypoh. Common euphemisms for lubricant include "political patronage" and "platitudes on harmony". However, a hallmark of euphemisms is that their usage tends to become taboo itself through what is referred to as the "euphemism treadmill" (a process whereby sweaty euphemisms, having suffered multiple cardiac arrests, are crushed beneath the rollers of sexual congress). As a result, increasingly-common euphemisms for political patronage include "bribery" and "corruption"; new euphemisms for platitudes on harmony include "slander", "politically-troubling discourse", and "stupid fucking jackass politician thuggery".

During the 1940s, Nutsy Germany was known for their odd tendency to conduct ketuanan Melayu in private, as opposed to the public nature of the ritual in most other countries. Hiding in what was referred to as "gas chambers", the Germans became the fuckees in what remains the most sadistic instancee of ketuanan Melayu. Numerous Juices, including Anne Frank, forced the Germans to "take it up the arse" in a number of exotic and rare adjuncts to ketuanan Melayu. Some examples of this include compound interest, loansharking, and financial instruments. The specific nature of these adjunct rituals is so disturbing and traumatic that all records of their existence were burnt and destroyed after World War II; the only remaining evidence this encyclopaedia could locate of their existence was a partially shredded letter from Oscar Wilde (then in Berlin) to Winston Churchill (at his summer residence in Dildo, Newfoundland), postmarked December 7 1941. In it, Wilde briefly alluded to "the horrifying practices of the Juices, which number too many for me to humanly discourse upon".

In South Africa, "apartheid" evolved as a variation on ketuanan Melayu. Apartheid developed a ruthless efficiency by providing specialised facilities for fuckers and fuckees.

After the collapse of the Juicish regime, some in South Africa took up what was euphemistically referred to as "apartheid" (an Afrikaner word referring to the greater integration and unity brought about by the sexual bonding of ketuanan Melayu). A hallmark of apartheid was the careful specialisation — fuckers and fuckees each were assigned their own facilities, in order to bring about greater efficiency in the practice of the ritual. Those parts of the ritual requiring intimate contact between fuckers and fuckees, such as taking it up the ass, were conducted through a sheet with a hole cut in it permitting the passage of bodily fluids.

Some have compared South African apartheid to the segregation of Jesusland in the 1960s. However, segregation between fuckers and fuckees (also known as "massahs" and "slaves") was entirely voluntary, unlike in South Africa where apartheid had to be forced upon the masses. Several historians also point to the fact that scientifically conducted surveys prove that slaves were not taken advantage of by their massahs, unlike in South Africa, where many fuckers turned taking it up the ass into a horrific (but nevertheless beneficial) sadomasochistic orgy of Oreo-love for the fuckees.

"Taking it up the ass"

A key part of the ritual is taking it up the ass; the fuckers force the fuckees to "take it up the ass". Although this portion of ketuanan Melayu is most free of regional variations, it nevertheless has seen application in a number of different ways. In Malaysia and Singkaypoh, those who take it up the ass are noted for their relative silence during the ritual. Those who cannot keep their silence are frequently banished; in the past, such as in the case of Lee Kuan Yew, this has led to the development of new interpretations of ketuanan Melayu. In Yew's case, after being unable to remain a fuckee, he became a prominent fucker, allowing him to moan and bitch as much as he desired.

Another trademark of the ritual in Malaysia and Singkaypoh is the relative conservatism of those who practice the ritual, actually reducing the possibility for creative interpretation or new developments in the ritual — at least on the part of the fuckee. The fuckers are often given looser rein, and different interpretations have been frequently introduced by prominent fuckers such as Mahathir the Vampire Slayer (Mahathir was noted for his ability to convince fuckees that they were in reality fuckers — a legerdemain of sorts, it gave him greater freedom in forcing the fuckees to take it up the ass, without them being the wiser). Likewise, Yew was granted greater leeway once he made the transition from fuckee to fucker.

Fuckees, on the other hand, have often been forced to remain the subservient partners in the ritual. Several acts of law, such as the Internal Sexuality Act (ISA), have been introduced to guarantee the dominant position of the fuckers (euphemistically referred to as "Bumis" in Malaysia, and "Paps" in Singkaypoh ).

A group of fuckers gather to make some "slaves" take it up the ass.

Contrast this with the relative open-mindedness of Jesusland, where laws such as the 1st Amendment permitted those dissatisfied with how they were taking it up the ass to protest. (The reader would do well to be reminded that the research of several prominent scholars, including David Duke, has suggested that those fuckees dissatisfied with the state of things in Jesusland actually numbered no more than "a few dozen nutcases". Most slaves were pleased with their massahs.) Oscar Wilde, who was present at several Sexual Rights Movement rallies in the 1960s, even penned a song praising the open approach to ketuanan Melayu in Jesusland, entitled "We Shall Overcum (Give Us the Money Shot)".


After the 1960s, a Modernist school of thought began to dominate the numbers of the ritual's adherents. Except for the lone holdout of South Africa, most Western countries moved towards an approach emphasising equitable distribution of satisfaction between fuckers and fuckees. The affirmative action movement, requiring fuckees to make an act of affirmation to indicate their consent before the fuckers initiated the ritual, became a highlight of ketuanan Melayu's "enlightened" approach, especially in countries such as the United States of Canada.

However, discontent was growing. Stagflation — meaning the penes of fuckers could no longer inflate to the size of a stag's — marked the decade of the 1970s. An embargo on petroleum jelly led by the Orgy Picking Economic Conference (OPEC) led a peanut farmer cum President of Jesusland to don cardigans for his weekly dose of ketuanan Melayu. The farmer's choice of young, nubile African American slaves for fuckees did not necessarily bode well, but what truly doomed his attempt to rule Jesusland was the cardigan. "Mon, this just ain't right!" one academic report quotes an anonymous voter as saying. "What cracka does the ketuanan Melayu with a cardigan? What kind of a fucker does this massah think he is?"

As expected, The Great Communicator (known as Darth Reagan in some circles) successfully defeated the farmer in the following contest for the biggest khrum (testes), making him the new President of Jesusland. Under Reagan, affirmative action was partially rolled back in favour of Voodoo Economics, which advocated the usage of voodoo dolls in the ritual. Some saw this as a painfully conservative way to carry out the intricacies of taking it up the ass, especially as Reagan's "family values" dictated that the dolls be fully clothed.

“The family that plays together grows together.”

~ Oscar Wilde on family values

Reagan's administration also saw the Star Wars initiative, meant to introduce Reagan's neo-Modernist school of thought to the Sandinistas of Iran. Aided by the illicit trade in cocaine, Reagan successfully introduced a new generation of religious and ethnic minorities in Iran to the pleasure of having it taken up the ass. An unintended consequence of the cocaine trade was the development of the "Gangsta" school in Jesusland, where ketuanan Melayu culminated in the death of half a million Negro teenagers and the birth of several thousand "crack babies".

The aircraft carrier cum golf course from which Darth Reagan's light saber split the Lead Curtain asunder.

Although since the 1940s political dissidents had been taking it up the ass behind the Lead Curtain (named for its impenetrability to X-rays, not even allowing Superman to enjoy the pornographic leisures of ketuanan Melayu in Eastern Europe), the 1980s saw a marked change. Some attribute this to Pope John Paul II and his endorsement of ketuanan Melayu as a form of penance for all sins, mortal and venial. Others note that Darth Reagan successfully used his light saber to cut a hole in the Lead Curtain, allowing the pent up energies and frustrations of a people eager to be sexually liberated to finally unshackle what had once been a regressive society.

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! My dick needs a a Russian fuckee this instant!”

~ Darth Reagan

The introduction of the Capitalist school of ketuanan Melayu behind the former Lead Curtain has met with astounding success since the fall of the Berlin Wall. The Gross Domination Product of the former Union of Soviet Sexual Republics has grown by over 500%, driven by immense increases in consumer spending. In Chechnya, the number of people taking it up the ass soared at rates not seen since the era of Genghis Khan.

Ethnic cleansing

After the Modernist school had its 15 minutes of fame, a new radical interpretation of ketuanan Melayu insisted on treating the ritual, especially the bit about fuckees taking it up the ass, with a more serious tone. The first indication of this new school's power was in Rwanda, where the Tutsis (meaning fuckers in Rwandan) and Hutus (meaning fuckees in the same language) announced to the world their new doctrine of Ethnic cleansing. The "Cleansing School" soon held sway in several developing countries, which saw this as a way to combat the Modernist school's views of affirmative action. In Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic was the foremost proponent of this school; he was to the Albanians as Saddam was to the Kurds, if you will.

“I did not have diplomatic relations with that man, Slobodan Milosevic.”

~ Bill Clinton

In Jesusland, a new President was starting a grassroots effort to revitalise ketuanan Melayu. With only a cigar, semen, and a blue dress, Bill Clinton styled himself as "Monica's MacGyver", hoping his barebones approach to the ritual would soon catch on after intern Monica Lewinsky, who he taught his esoteric techniques to, would spread the new knowledge that had been imparted to her through her numerous sexual relations with men — men whose names did not begin with "W" and end with "illiam Jefferson Clinton". However, much to Clinton's chagrin, the dirty pervert Kenneth Starr revealed his secret practices at a press conference, jeopardising his leadership.

To avoid impeachment — that is, being whipped by Hillary till one's ass was as orange as a peach — Clinton, who till now had avoided direct confrontation with the Cleansing School, declared war on Slobodan Milosevic. When asked why, Clinton's response was that he could not have confronted either the Rwandans or Saddam because, unlike Milosevic, he had had "diplomatic relations" with them.

War on Terror

George Washington Borat, shortly before proving the immense size of his khrum.

Such considerations held no sway with the man whose khrum proved even larger than Clinton's — George Washington Borat. After decisively winning the election by suspending the entire student body of Bob Jones University from his ballsack, the first act of Borat was to singlehandedly crash a plane into the World Trade Center with his artificially inflated penis. A drop of semen accidentally landed a few hundred miles away near the Pentagon, while another drop landed in some field in Virginia.

“If there's grass on the field, fuck the Virgin, ja?”

~ Borat

In the ensuing confusion, Osama bin Laden, whose manifest displeasure with this disgrace to the Classical school of ketuanan Melayu had been aroused, kidnapped several hundred Americans, murdered them in a manner consistent with having died in an airplane crash, attempting to heroically rescue Nicholas Cage, or both, and planted the bodies at all three sites.

“a true adherent of the Classical school would have hit the White House with his spare semen, not some field in Virginia like an infidel!”

~ Osama bin Laden

Seeing an opportunity to deal the Cleansing School of ketuanan Melayu a death blow, Borat immediately invaded Afghanistan, ostensibly to oust Saddam Hussein. Shortly thereafter, however, it was realised that Saddam actually resided in Iraq, forcing Borat to reroute his troops. After several detours, Jesusland's troops finally arrived in Iraq, deposing the former head of the Cleansing School. Elated, Borat declared victory in the "War on Terror".

In an unexpected twist, however, this led to a resurgence in the Neoclassical School (also known as "The Terrorists"), which emphasised orgasming through the violent murder of innocents. According to this school, which Osama converted to not long after Borat's declaration of victory, those who gave their lives for the cause would be greeted in Heaven by π virgins. Despite Borat's insistence that the Neoclassical School's methods would soon prove "irrational", it appears that The Terrorists have won.